Care Bears 2 - -A New Generation (because one generation of Care Bears just wasn’t enough to get the job done)

I’ve watched three of the “Care Bears” movies and out of all of them I will say that this one is maybe the second best. Oddly enough, the first one was actually the best one and they deteriorated after that. However, saying “best one” to any of these movies is not an easy task. Don’t get me wrong, these are horrible movies, based off a horrible TV show, based off a horrible concept. There are these magical talking multicoloured bears called “Care Bears” that can shoot a magical beam out of their chest called the “Care Bear Stare”. Their job is to go to earth to make it so people care. And on that note I would like to talk about the cosmology of Care-A-Lot.

After the first movie I came to the conclusion that Care-A-Lot was in the sky since everything in Care-A –Lot is made of clouds and you can see the earth under them. But at one point in the movie, Grumpy Bear’s teleporter malfunctions (Yes, there is ground-breaking technology in Care-A-Lot) and several people who are inside the teleporter disappear, when asked where they are Grumpy says they are lost somewhere between here and earth. This suggests that Care-A-Lot is in another dimension, but then again I am just beginning to talk about how they play with cosmology in this movie.

Anyway, on to what passes for a plot. There are these three children at a camp who always lose at sports. One of the children, Christie, is very angry because she wants to be “Camp Champ”. She suddenly meets up with a mysterious boy knows as Dark Heart, a Demon Lord who can transform into giant wolves, a sea serpent, giant clouds of smoke, and many other transformations. In order to disguise himself he transforms into a teenage boy in a red tracksuit and flaming red hair (yes this movie proves that red hair is of the Devil). He makes a deal with Christie that he will give her all the athletic ability she needs if she’ll help him catch the Care Bears. So, Christie has a choice-- make a deal with the Devil or be horrible at sports. And because everyone in this movie is either an idiot or a magic bear, she chooses to help Dark Heart for Dark Heart hates the care Bears because....well...do you really need a reason? Realizing that Dark Heart is after them, the Care Bears move to a different part of Care-A-Lot so he can’t find them, but he finds them two scenes later so it is kid of pointless. Once he does, since he can transform into a giant serpent and no doubt holds many other amazing powers, he decides to capture the Care Bears by stuffing them in a burlap bag! GENIUS! After an incident where Christie saves his life, because, and I am not kidding here, Dark Heart can’t swim (and I guess he forgot that he can transform into a Sea Serpent), Dark slowly becomes a good person and in the end, again, I’m not joking here, he turns into a real boy. Yes, apparently Pinocchio was a real jerk in his later years.

The good performances in this movie don’t really exist. All of them just perform a standard job, except for Dark Heart who I can honestly say, is hilarious – sounding like a younger version of Christopher Walken – and if I were to give any credit to the movie, it would be there.

The moral of the story is just the typical, “you have to care about everyone”, and that if you ever stop caring the Care Bears will come to help you out. But even that is sort of confusing. There is a scene in the movie where Christie is trapped in a canoe without a paddle and the Care Bears go to help her. And I have to ask, is that really a Care Bear’s matter ? I mean, it is not as if she doesn’t care that she is in the canoe.

When it comes to demographics, you could argue that the film is aimed at very, very , very young children, but I would argue that this movie is aimed at Pet Rocks, because chances are that they are the only thing in existence that are too brainless to notice the myriad plot holes that just spring up. I know two-year-olds who are still confused as to how Dark Heart became a human just by caring.

If I were to give this movie a grade and a rating, it would probably be two out of 10 and they can thank Dark Heart for those two marks. And as for age group, I would categorize it P.R. for Pet Rock. So take them to see it, I am sure they’ll have a blast.