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Under the Influece (Of You)
For years I’ve lived under the influence;
Everyday it’s driven me insane.
If I could, I don’t think I would refrain
From feeling my heartbeat’s rapid cadence.
Above, I’d feel a terrible grievance;
Missing this feeling would become my bane,
A much worse destiny than to deplane
A million miles into death’s essence.
What is this that can manipulate me
Into accepting everything untrue?
For days I have wondered: what is the key
To getting more than your fair virtue?
Because for more than a year I have lived.
I’ve lived under the influence of you.
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This article has 6 comments.
Rhyme scheme, rhyme scheme, rhyme scheme! Why does everyone have such an awkward rhyme scheme?? Sorry, but most of the poems I've looked at so far have inconsistant rhyme scheme, and I've had to type the SAME thing over and over and over and it's really getting old. I guess that rant was mostly 'cause I'm bored with everyone doing the same thing wrong. Haha, it bothered me even more than the misspelled title!
Anyways, rhyme scheme should be regular. I should see a rhyme pattern fairly early, and be able to predict what lines will rhyme with what. Then you can throw in something different, but that calls MAJOR attention to it (so it's good for the ends) and doesn't really work more than once. A shakespearian (oh man, I butchered that word) sonnet has a rhyme pattern of ABAB, CDCD, EFEF, GG. Yours appears to go xAABBAAB, CDCDxD. The x's are words that don't rhyme.
Other than that, it's not bad. I think changing the last line to "But under the influence of you" would make it a lot more powerful.
Great poem, I must say. I just love the diction you chose; they're words I don't see often. You used them in a great way though. I loved the lines:
"Above, I’d feel a terrible grievance;
Missing this feeling would become my bane,
A much worse destiny than to deplane
A million miles into death’s essence."
Seriously, this is a great and lovely poem. Keep writing kidd (:
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