Under the Influece (Of You) | Teen Ink

Under the Influece (Of You)

June 27, 2011
By Emily.L GOLD, Gilbert, Arizona
Emily.L GOLD, Gilbert, Arizona
10 articles 12 photos 84 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Sometimes, we just have to be happy with what people can offer us. Even if it's not what we want, at least it's something. " -Sarah Dessen


For years I’ve lived under the influence;
Everyday it’s driven me insane.
If I could, I don’t think I would refrain
From feeling my heartbeat’s rapid cadence.
Above, I’d feel a terrible grievance;
Missing this feeling would become my bane,
A much worse destiny than to deplane
A million miles into death’s essence.

What is this that can manipulate me
Into accepting everything untrue?
For days I have wondered: what is the key
To getting more than your fair virtue?
Because for more than a year I have lived.
I’ve lived under the influence of you.


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This article has 6 comments.


on Aug. 10 2011 at 4:46 pm
JoPepper PLATINUM, Annandale, Virginia
35 articles 0 photos 782 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;Freedom is the ability to not care what the other person thinks.&quot;<br /> <br /> &quot;Not all those who wander are lost&quot; --JRR Tolkien<br /> <br /> &quot;When you are listening to music it is better to cover your eyes than your ears.&quot; --Jose&#039; Bergamin

This is very good, I really like the way it flowed.  The second line needs a comma after "Everyday' or something...  very good keep writing!!!! :D

. said...
on Aug. 3 2011 at 12:06 pm
oh, okay. So then I guess "influence" was part of A? I think you need a closer rhyme.

Emily.L GOLD said...
on Aug. 3 2011 at 11:46 am
Emily.L GOLD, Gilbert, Arizona
10 articles 12 photos 84 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;Sometimes, we just have to be happy with what people can offer us. Even if it&#039;s not what we want, at least it&#039;s something. &quot; -Sarah Dessen

Yeah, but my rhyme scheme is for a petrarchan sonnet, so it goes abbaabba and then there's different versions of the sestet. Thanks though! :)

Eirias SILVER said...
on Aug. 3 2011 at 10:34 am
Eirias SILVER, Spring, Texas
5 articles 0 photos 70 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;If you wish to be a writer, write&quot; -Epictetus

Rhyme scheme, rhyme scheme, rhyme scheme! Why does everyone have such an awkward rhyme scheme?? Sorry, but most of the poems I've looked at so far have inconsistant rhyme scheme, and I've had to type the SAME thing over and over and over and it's really getting old. I guess that rant was mostly 'cause I'm bored with everyone doing the same thing wrong. Haha, it bothered me even more than the misspelled title!

 

Anyways, rhyme scheme should be regular. I should see a rhyme pattern fairly early, and be able to predict what lines will rhyme with what. Then you can throw in something different, but that calls MAJOR attention to it (so it's good for the ends) and doesn't really work more than once. A shakespearian (oh man, I butchered that word) sonnet has a rhyme pattern of ABAB, CDCD, EFEF, GG. Yours appears to go xAABBAAB, CDCDxD. The x's are words that don't rhyme.

 

Other than that, it's not bad. I think changing the last line to "But under the influence of you" would make it a lot more powerful.


.Izzy. BRONZE said...
on Jul. 22 2011 at 10:18 am
.Izzy. BRONZE, Broadview Heights, Ohio
1 article 0 photos 388 comments
I can soooo relate to this /: This is a great poem. Good job!

M.Lizeth GOLD said...
on Jul. 20 2011 at 8:40 pm
M.Lizeth GOLD, Santa Fe Springs, California
12 articles 0 photos 9 comments

Favorite Quote:
My heart is blind, that so it can love the soul that is too bright for the eyes to see.

Great poem, I must say. I just love the diction you chose; they're words I don't see often. You used them in a great way though. I loved the lines:

"Above, I’d feel a terrible grievance;
Missing this feeling would become my bane,
A much worse destiny than to deplane
A million miles into death’s essence."

Seriously, this is a great and lovely poem. Keep writing kidd (: