Dear depression,
we go way back
You've haunted me for years, hiding in the back
empty corners of my mind
Waiting to take hold of my heart
And paint all the windows black.
Dear depression,
You are the shadows in my room
On a bright and sunny day
Your weariness took my bones
And taught them too young to stay in
Instead of go out and play.
Dear depression,
You are the cold, hard, heavy
metal chains
That held me to the bathroom
mirror for hours, searching
But finding nothing but self-hate.
Dear depression,
You are my old lover
Who can't seem to stay away
But loving you got me sick
Choking me on the words that
I never knew how to say.
Loving you got me addicted
To destroying myself
To leaving gaping cracks inside my mask
Because I didn't know how else
To cry for help.
I used to think that I was ugly
I hated my hairy arms and my big nose
And my teeth, and my acne
And my disgusting, jagged bones.
I used to think my name was lonely
As everyone ignored me at my first teenagers party
And even when I finally found friends who really knew me
I still felt alone
Behind a one-way window mirror glass
Because to them it all seemed normal
And only I knew I was trapped.
I've always been afraid
Of the darkness, and of my thoughts, and most of all of being alone
And people tell me to have courage
But what they don't know
Is that if I had been braver
I would have given up by now.
Dear depression,
You are scars
You are lists and tally marks
of all the times I stayed inside
And hid in bed, not wanting to live
But not ready to die.
Dear depression,
You are silence
When I feel ready to explode
Because when I climbed a tree
and he followed me, to ask if I was okay
All I could say was "I don't know"
And I don't know, I don't know... how to not be alone.
But I don't want to be alone anymore
So I'm building a house with no black windows
And unlocking my door.
So now I can tell you
That I'm learning how to feel loved
And that I no longer think I'm ugly
And you won't be happy to hear
That I'm no longer addicted, and that I'm learning to love me
But I'm happy to let you know
That I'm no longer choking
On all those words that I'm very slowly
Learning how to say
Like 'I am beautiful'
And 'I am not okay'
And 'I need help conquering my depression'
And 'I am a strong, priceless woman
Who is learning to be open'.
And I'm not sorry to tell you that I'm learning to hope in God again.
And maybe it has taken me a lifetime of hurting and of growing
But I'm finally ready to say freely
Dear depression,
You are not my friend
You cannot have me
You will not silence me.