I want to write of my proud moments
of the days I was invincible
indestructible
those warm days
with winds carrying familiar scents of feisty grass and charming sea salt
carrying me
like a dandelion seed to new worlds of growth
I want to write of those cool days
when the rain graced my cheeks like tears
but of course they were tears of joy
and the wind playfully tousled my tangled mess of dark curls but I didn’t mind
I was too busy laughing at the worms and the muddy world at my feet and the green
everything green and alive

But today is not one of those days.

Today I am not being guided.

Today, my stomach is flooding with stress juice. My fingers tingle and hurt as I smooth out the perspiration on my face.

Today, I am thinking about everything, like school and college and what I want to do with my life, all at once. No matter how often they ask, I still don’t know what I’m going to major in, and that’s ok. But of course it’s also not ok.

Today,  I am unsure of what is ahead and I am begging the world to stop and let me catch my breath.
But of course the world cannot hear me. The world will remain as I stagger through life, forever maybe.

Today, I am worried that there is nothing ahead at all. I am scared of my dreams never coming true because I did everything wrong.

Today, I wonder if I will work so hard that I will forget what I am working for. I am afraid that my eyebags and hunched shoulders will weigh me down and that once my guiding signs finally come I will miss them, too busy searching for my soul beneath my feet.

Tonight, I will imagine my future self crying broken dreams and I will dream of proud moments, hoping to once again feel  invincible.