I’ve always believed words are the most powerful things in the world until my love was over powered by the hatred of how much words ended up betraying my love. Power causes corruption they say, but how can something as beautiful as a poem or as delicate as a rose petal at the same time be as deadly as a broken hour glass letting time drive away because what do we really have in this life if you think about it. Nothing. This world would be empty without the presence of words but why is it that words are the reason my world is empty. Yet the one most important person to me sits there in silence and it hurts more than a 1000 words. Too may ideas. Too many thoughts. Feeling like an outcast in society feels like a step forward, when you come to a point where you just don’t know. You don’t know anything and you don’t want to know anything, because why would you. Knowing only means hurting and I’m too broken to be smashed into another million pieces. Like the smallest possible form of an atom in humanity’s knowledge, yet every time you open your mouth, every word is like a new discovery in the scientific world. It’s just too much and I can’t stress the fact that I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. What don’t you know they ask? What is it that’s hurting you they ask? I don’t know. You have to know they say. But I don’t know I tell them. How am I supposed to help you if you don’t know they say? Yet sometime you need someone else to know. I’m so tired. I’m so tired of talking to myself in the mirror imagining conversations with people I wish were actually happening in real life. I’m tired of crying until my body is physically unable to produce tears and you want to know the worst thing of all? It’s not the pain, it’s not the swollen eyes the next morning, its not the depression, it’s not the anxiety. It’s none of that. It’s the fact that no one knows about it. And you can’t tell anyone about it so your stuck in your own bubble with no one to talk to, because that is the only place you feel safe. But how can you feel safe when your brain is attacking your every action with torturous thoughts. They say to get out of your room and do something with your life and all you can think is what’s the point. What is the point? There is no point. That is the point. Everything is useless because I’ve learnt that happiness is the most important thing in your life. But I’ve also learnt that all happiness in this world is artificial. All happiness will rot. All happiness will disappear and stab you in your back because happiness is selfish. Happiness is your first love. Falling deeper and deeper until they decide that the freckles on your cheeks makes them not want to love you anymore, so they leave without an explanation. So just like that, your first true love is gone. Yet you try again because you still have that piece hope in your heart. Yet again and again your love leaves you and you’re left with more and more broken hearts than you can bear. And eventually, you stop. You stop trying. You stop caring. You stop everything and drop. Because nothing really matters when you know its not going to last. And I wish you understood what I was saying, even if you don’t understand what I’m saying because sometimes I don’t understand. No I lied. I never understand which is really what the problem is. I hate listening to songs where I don’t know the actual meaning because I want to understand what the writer wanted to get out of the lyrics. The turning point is when I realized that no one cares. No one. Cares. They don’t care if you’re hurting. They don’t care because they have their own problems to deal with and you can’t always depend on people because then you’ll get hurt. I guarantee it because I am hurt. And the strange thing with hurt is that it doesn’t teach. Hurt does not teach. Hurt never teaches because you keep falling for that same boy who has never cared and will never care but you keep playing it in your head over and over again trying to convince yourself that he does, when he doesn’t.  But maybe he’ll change his mind. But he won’t. And if he does, which he wont, you will have moved on and said I wish I hadn’t wasted my time on him. And I wish people knew how much I knew. No I lied again. I don’t want any one to know how much I know because then they wouldn’t act normally around me. I just want you to know that I am so confused and that word does not even come close to how I am feeling. There are no words to describe depression and yes I am depressed. And don’t think its just a phase because its not. There is no pain harder then the pain you go through with yourself. And there is nothing another person can do to stop it from happening because I just don’t care. Please excuse my lying again because if I didn’t care I wouldn’t be this hurt. What I wish more than anything is to not care, because I care too much. If you can’t understand how much I think just imagine this. Everything written on this paper is a millisecond of everything that goes on in my head, of every day, of every week, of every month, of my entire life and sometime it’s just too much. And please don’t try to understand this because I don’t. And I never will. And I’m not sorry. Because I’m tired of being sorry.