I will never be able to sit at the oak table again
Across from where you grinned over the meals
My mother had made us
And I will never stop hearing my name called
In your calming voice
I will never be able to climb to the top of our favorite tree
To munch on an apple
And I will never stop hoping that maybe you were okay
Maybe I imagined that lifeless body that looked so similar to yours.
I will never be able to look at rope
Without imagining your neck tied in it
I will never be able to take even ibuprofen
Because what if I decide life isn’t worth it without you in it
I will never grab a razor to shave my legs
Before imagining the awful things you did to yourself
Using the same blades
I will never be able to hold a lighter
Without a curiosity springing in me, as to why you would do such a thing to yourself
Holding it only centimeters from my skin
I will never be able to look at the pictures of us just two months ago
Without tears in my eyes
Because I knew you needed me
And I never reached out to you
I never asked how you were
I never pulled you from ashes your step dad was shoving down your throat
I keep having this dream
Actually it’s more of a nightmare
You are always there,
In the back
Laughing and calling my name
I want to reach you,
But I trip over empty bottles of pills
And fall into a rope dangling over the ceiling
And right before I wake up every time,
I see a foot wearing your favorite pair of Chuck Taylors,
Kick over the stool.
Then I wake up, not able to return back to sleep for at least another hour.
When you were here, I slept fine
But ever since you left
I feel my soul being tugged from my chest
And I’ve forgotten how to close my eyes
And breathe at the same time.
so maybe I do know how you felt after  all
scared and alone.
suffocating in yourself
But i still couldn't have saved you,
and i will have to live with that for the rest of my life.