When I hear your name,

it is as if it is a noise of pure destruction,
Your voice & smile I onced loved,
is now a nightmare in my mind.
My crazy little mind fell for an illusion,
an unhealthy illusion.
You destroyed me,
you made me detest myself.
While loathing myself,
you sat there happy. 
I was filled with anger,
I felt as if you were my escape from reality.
My crazy little mind thought you were right.
You were the only constant thing in my life,
every morning I wondered what it was gonna be,
A hit?
A word?
An action?
Or maybe just pure carelessness.
My crazy little mind began believing it.
I was ugly,
and not good enough.
I was annoying,
and wouldn’t shut up.
I was over weight,
and needed to lose it.
My crazy little mind told itself to believe you.
Noone would ever want me,
I wondered why you were with me.
I began hurting too much inside,
I needed to equalize it by hurting on the outside.
I punched.
As I felt the cold concrete hitting my ripped bloody skin,
I felt better.
I came to you to tell you I was considering taking my life away,
Your heartless self didn’t care.
Throat burning, eyes tearing,
debating whether its from crying over you or chugging the recently emptied Vodka bottle.
My crazy little mind didn’t care.
I did everything in my power to make you happy,
I guess it wasn’t good enough.
It now felt like a morningly routine,
wake up, open the cabinet, chug.
The burning in my throat, the escape from you,
numbed the pain.
When I finally got self respect & the courage to leave,
I sat in bed crying for days.
Drank the days away…
It was an act of self degrade on my part.
One month later,
as two boys pushed me down against my will,
all i could think of was you.
Wishing you were here to help me,
I felt as if I didn’t kick hard enough,
I didn’t yell no loud enough,
I told myself it was my fault.
Because that was all you taught me,
To tell myself I was the messed up one all the time.
How could I ever love the same way again?
Physically & mentally drained I wondered why I everyone hurt me.
As if I was everyone’s punching bag.
I realized soon after the rape,
that you made my crazy little mind believe it is screwed up.
You weren’t a waste of time,
You… you were a lesson.
A lesson no one should go through.
I always wondered how someone can be such a great manipulator to someone they said they loved so much.
Congratulations on losing the only thing that will ever love your pathetic self.. My beautiful little mind is over your games.