1. I loved her, but not in a romantic way;

    she was my best friend,

    but so inexplicably much more than that,

    like I loved her like sunlight:

    like she was total, complete, absolute;

    I felt her warmth even when I was not in her presence.

    Like sunlight, she covered every part of me

    and filled the chasms inside of my chest

    that had been so dark and void.

    Like sunlight,

    she was something that I

    could not pull myself close enough to.

    Like sunlight, I did not realize

    that it was possible to be burned

    until I had already spent so much time

    beside her.

2. In Bible Study one night, I told my youth pastor

    that she was one of the best gifts I’d ever received,

    a gift from God:

    the counterpart I had needed,

    the hope that I was lacking,

    the happiness I hadn't felt in so many months.

3. She taught me how to enjoy new things:

    like sleepovers,

    even the ones that don’t go the way you think they will;

    like white t-shirts,

    making you notice how

    well color can be spoken through the eyes;

    like butterflies,

    willing to sit on your finger and let you admire them if

    you take the time to give them a chance;

    like blue cars,

    the feeling of wind against fingertips,

    of sunshine through a dashboard over a bridge,

    conversations in traffic.

4. When I spent time with

    her, I felt for the first time

    like it was possible for someone

    to understand me.

5. She made me feel like summer was an amusement park ride,

    like I was at the apex of a rollercoaster,

    standing,

    forgetting my seatbelt,

    breathing steady

    taking in what it felt like

    to soar,

    to see a view of my life

    and be able to admire it,

    like for once I was on the verge of a thrilling something.

    She promised me the world.

6. When she left, I wanted to feel like I was drowning.

    When she left, I cried for hours,

    When she left I left those marks of mascara

    on my pillowcase

    for two weeks afterward,

    because I wanted to remember

    that I was hurting.

7. I want to hear her voice,

    and for her to know about my life like she used to,

    to visit, to call, to send letters…

    but it feels like running again and again

    into a wall,

    like slamming into plexiglass,

    looking through to see

    a window into her new life,

    where she is laughing with life,

    where I no longer am;

    and I want with everything in me to

    smash that glass

    but I don’t.

    I sit on the edge of my bed and

    let resonate the fact that she

    is not going to text me back.

8. When she told me goodbye,

    I told her "We have the rest of our lives."

    Because I thought ours would be a story

    that lasted my lifetime;

    I realize now that we have

    the rest of forever only to write the epilogue.

    Still I don't hate her,

    and I’m not angry with her,

    though I tried with every drop of boiling blood to be.

    It hurts less every day because

    after months of dwindling contact,

    I am moving on.

    But I cannot believe that she

    ever meant to hurt me

    or that she

    is a bad person;

    just so much less of a person to me

    than I had hoped and believed that

    she was going to be,

    just a bad friend.

    When I saw her last week,

    and she told me goodbye,

    I heard myself say nothing.

 
9. Her childhood

    is comprised of things that I

    cannot share.

10.I don’t know    

    if she loved me more than she hurt me.

    She was like medicine

    For all of the things gone wrong

    inside of me;

    when I told her how much it meant to me,

    she said “I am the person who loves you more.”

    But now every broken promise

    feels like gentle slap sting

    to the cheekbone,

    and I know that it’s no longer true.   

    I have watched her replace and   

    ignore me,

    I have felt the gravel in my palms left-

    over from when she dropped me.

    I don’t know

    if she saved me that summer,

    or let me fall even farther

    when winter came for me;

    but I think

    I am grateful.