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Secret Swan MAG
You.
Gossamer swan
bathed in moonlight
shed of speech
edge of the lake
you are my most precious secret.
Yours.
Glances I tuck away
into the front of my shirts
to examine in class.
Yours are the glances I relish.
You.
Floating on water feet trailing behind
walking like Jesus
I pluck feathers braid into my hair
smells like mud and water
secret swan
thin, fat string of calls I don’t understand.
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This article has 18 comments.
There are some definite good qualities about this poem. For example, I absolutely adored the second stanza. It had the poetic sound while at the same time managing to endear the speaker to the reader. The "glances I tuck away / into the front of my shirts" was so wonderfully worded, and then the "to examine in class" made it so understandable and... likeable?... to the reader. Who can't sympathize with the bored little kid who has a secret, who reaches in to gaze at it in the middle of class while the teacher isn't looking? Even if the same hasn't happened to you, it is easily imaginable.
The first stanza was also poetic, a bit abstract in contrast to the second, but no real comments to make on that one. The third, I think, started getting a bit... Hm, not sure. Like LillyRedline said, it seemed as if you were trying too hard to make that one sound poetic. When you force it, the words end up sounding... well, forced. The stanza didn't really connect back to the poem as a whole. The first two really captured the swan, each in its own way. The "you" describing the swan itself to the "yours" describing its glances -- both were giving the reader a fuller picture of the swan. With the third, you got a bit carried away with the imagery - I think - and sort of forgot to zoom out to the big picture. It seemed more like you wanted to stuff as much imagery into the words as possible, rather than have it enhance the poem itself. Words for the sake of words.
Another thing I really liked was the start of each of the first two stanzas. I don't know what it is about the "You." and "Yours." but I thought it was a nice touch regardless. On the flip side, I wasn't a big fan of the last sentences of each. Again, I can't explain exactly what turns me off about it. It seems a bit... juvenile? Maybe. Either way, it took away from my enjoyment of the poetry-ness of the poem.
Just offering some friendly advice. You can take it or leave it as you see fit. :)
And the line comparing the swan to Jesus was disappointing.
As was the attempt to make the smell of mud and water a poetic description.
I don't mean to rain on your parade, though.
You have potential if you work to improve.
I just don't like how every single comment that is supposed to be "constructive criticism" is just declaring your brilliance.
If you work hard, you might be one day.
Well, Good Luck.
♥jackie