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things i need to say to ciaran
May 10, 2013
in the back of my head
understanding the only part of who I used to be that I’m still proud of
and it was you who made me see the world as it is
rather than how I felt about it
and it was you
who brought me out of myself and gave me a reason to belong to something
like you,
something really alive.
in the back of my head, cleaning, brushing the dust off
boxes
watching tiny flecks of memory catch seconds of light and fade
to sparkle behind my eyes,
and you
it was you behind my eyes,
behind my voice,
behind my smile and everything I wrote.
in the back of my head
I still wonder what you would think of me now
in all my confusion
my afraid-unafraid
my watching and avoiding and undoing.
what you would think about this and that and him.
I don’t know.
it’s you.
in the back of my head.
© Haley S., Long Beach, CA
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This article has 7 comments.
He was/is really involved in human rights and politics. It is irrelevant whether or not he thinks of me in the same sense because I am not the person he loved. I've changed a lot. And my part in his life, however small or large it may be, is, as far as I know, over. I advise you to be as discreet as you feel necessary, but never let yourself hide your true self in your writing.. if you get what I mean? Um. There's parts of me I don't disclose fully in my (published) writing because there's things about me that I haven't told my family about yet and I don't want them to find it out like that. So I get it, I really do. It would be interesting to see more of who you really are in your witing, though. I admit fully to being curious about my most loyal reader :)
No don't apologize or ever ever change them. I think it's what makes your poetry so much better. So memorable. I love how personal some writers can be. I don't think I'm at that level yet. Mostly cuz I want to be discreet. Although I'm kinda wanting to throw that all away and be like the h*ll with all of the mystery and stuff. Whatever. Anywho, he does sound like an interesting person. And I'm sure he still regards you as a very special person in his life, despite whatever may have happened between the both of you. I can see it throughout this poem. And I think it's special not creepy or weird that you still think of him. I still think about people I don't have any communication now, some I even hate. But I think that's just life. You can't really get rid of the memories of that person, someone like Ciaran has been for you. And I really want to know how he will change this world. And yes, we do want know that personal side of you, even though we may not reciprocate in the same manner. Ok....that sounded kinda creepy. Not gonna lie. But i don't mind the personal-ness if your poetry.
Ciaran will change the world because he is a bright, aware human being. He cares and thinks when no-one else does. Despite our various distances nowadays, I still belive wholeheartedly that whatever he puts his heart and mind into, he will have blinding success, and, knowing him, he will do it on a global scale. He is still my personal hero and one of the most beautiful minds/souls I will ever encounter. And yes, I do wonder about him. So much about me has changed since we knew each other, I wonder constantly what he would think. It's wrong, but I hold myself to his standard still and try to be a person he could love, or at least respect. Because Ciaran's love and respect were the two hardest things to earn, and the two most beautiful things I will ever, ever have had.
I'm very interested as to know why Ciaran will change the world according to you. He sounds awfully interesting. And like good times too. The poem is very personal. It seems as though this person had a great impact in your life. It seems like you're wondering if he approves of your choices or something. You still wonder about him. And he's still having that same affect on you. I love the "fleck of memories" line. Creative. As always your poetry is great.
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Favorite Quote:
"The people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world are the ones who do."
—Apple’s “Think Different” commercial, 1997
“Crazy people are considered mad by the rest of the society only because their intelligence isn't understood.”
― Weihui Zhou