I remember him coming home on the first day of school
Red shirt, bright yellow shorts, and light up Lightning McQueen sneakers
Running as fast as his little legs could carry him
Arms flailing like a madman
Little Man how was your first day?
Winking, he replied
It was GREAT I shared my goldfish with Susie!
Chuckling softly, I follow him inside

SISSY I GOT MY WISH LIST READY FOR SANTY CLAUSE
Little Man barges into my room and hands me a long list with items carefully written in green crayon
CAN YOU MAIL THIS TO SANTY FOR ME SISSY?
I scoop him into my lap and pull out an envelope
Envelope first, Little Man, you want Santy to know you’re serious about this list of yours

That was only yesterday
I never thought I would have to know the horror of seeing my mother hunched over his lifeless little body
Tears streaming down her face, her whole body, trembling
I tried to keep it together
Only yesterday he was giggling like the little boy that he was, writing letters to Santy Clause
And now?
He’s……

I let the tears come, but none appear
Instead is anger and frustration
Why, God, WHY?
If I shut my eyes and pretend it didn't happen
I’ll only reopen my eyes to see my mother, hunched over my little brother’s body, crying until she has no tears left

This Christmas won’t be the same
There won’t be anticipation lingering in the air as we wait to go to midnight mass
There won’t be kissing under the mistletoe
There won’t be the traditional first snowball fight with the neighbors

Instead there will be his room to pack up in boxes that will have been his life
There will be arrangements and phone calls to cemeteries
There will be funerals to go to and black dresses to be worn
On Christmas morning, Little Man won’t be there to wake me up at the crack of dawn nagging me to get up and open presents

Little Man, watch over us
I know you’re up there already
You probably raced your classmates up the stairs of Heaven
I hope you weren’t afraid when he shot
But I can’t blame you if you were afraid
I would have been afraid
Little Man, be peaceful