I never knew how to tell her that
I loved her.

The words faltered on my tongue
Like a tiny body too afraid to
Leap off a building, drowning in
The horror of anticipated peace.

She was so lovely in the way she
Was everything I despised and I
Always wanted to fall asleep in
The way she looked at me but
Love only ever strangles.

I told her lies instead, and even then
She knew that my heart was made
Of synthetic longing.

She drew the hatred out of my bones
And rattled my demons and I could never
Apply the laws of physics to the way
She made me feel like everything could
Be okay.

But she was foreign to my practical
Bloodstream and my paranoia devoured
Her smile.

I hated her, and loved her, and I
Couldn’t even tell the difference.