Well, I enjoyed the first stanza. It sounded like real poetry. The rest . . . slipped back into rap again. I'm not sure if it's just me (I'm on jet lag, and I only got 3 hours of sleep) or if it's your style.

I think the random rhymes help foster the rap feel, as well as the short lines and absence of puntuation. I actually did enjoy the thought/un-thought/thought in the first stanza.

Wow! First before I start with the the construtive critiques I must say this was amazing! I loved how you personified Night and made it seem like an actual person, an actual villian...truly brilliant. Second, I loved how this sounded as though you were talking (or in some cases yelling) at someone...amazing! 

Ok well the first thing that stuck out to me was in the first stanza...the word un-thought...I understood what you meant, but that word just stands out and it ruins the flow of the poem so maybe chose another word that helps the story's flow continue. Also in that same stanza, the word thought itself was repeated a lot in the last lines and because of that repition it loses it's meaning and strength so maybe a bit less repition there. I found nothing wrong with the second stanza...in fact, I loved it, especially that last line! The third stanza was also amazing; you really picked up pace and had a lot of emotion in it...the only thing that stuck out to me there was the second to last line...I had to re-read that and it really broke the tempo you had built up so maybe look for a way to reword it.

Still your poem was amazing!