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Death's Reject

July 19, 2010
By Olajide BRONZE, Lanham, Maryland
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Olajide BRONZE, Lanham, Maryland
4 articles 0 photos 14 comments
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Across the depth of risen fidelity
Lift the ominous evidence of pain
-Through the faint of soulless warriors
The strength of a weak tiger
An undying faith that surge trials of passion
Surely shall we be relived within reality?

Below the bellow of a sunken heart
we throb for comfort in the clueless clouds

Your heart of stone
Valiant as the soul of an eagle
hacking the sage of the sky
I hear that
You lynch the brightest of stars
The majestic of a competent empire

Through the thorns and blushing rage
We seek divine sacrament to obviate this loss

In the uproar of our obscene obsession
We shall dazzle you with a pudding
Or entice you with our bulging boobs
Or indulge you with our wrinkling wealth
Or rather wage a catastrophic war
so we can sail in the ocean of immortality

I ask, Could there be a more demonic strategy
to chastise the fright of this eternal figure?

Unsatisfied in rigid despair
With your immense propensity to take away
So I must plead. Death…
the sovereignty of great loss and sorrow
Please
let my people go

© Ariana R., New Orleans, LA

The author's comments:
This idea came to me because of the fear and pain that runs through my spine everytime I hear the news of one of my family/ family friends and other relations dying. I've been told and you might have been told also that the only way to crush death is to come face to face with it, even if you'd not win, Or basically by pleading. One of those things that inspired me...
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JOIN THE DISCUSSION

This article has 8 comments.

Boosflash DIAMOND said...
on Aug. 29 2010 at 9:17 pm
Boosflash DIAMOND, Papillion, Nebraska
55 articles 0 photos 2066 comments

Favorite Quote:
What the front door.

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I like this captain. and yeah, i have no idea what it's about,but I'm not here to criticize. I'm here to do my dance.
Niftygrrl BRONZE said...
on Aug. 29 2010 at 9:14 pm
Niftygrrl BRONZE, Norfolk, Virginia
4 articles 0 photos 39 comments

Favorite Quote:
&ldquo;We are all a little weird and life&#039;s a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.&rdquo;- dr suess<br /> <br /> &quot;Saying &#039;I notice you&#039;re a nerd&#039; is like saying, &#039;Hey, I notice that you&#039;d rather be intelligent than be stupid, that you&#039;d rather be thoughtful than be vapid, that you believe that there are things that matter more than the arrest record of Lindsay Lohan. Why is that?&#039; In fact, it seems to me that most contemporary insults are pretty lame. Even &#039;lame&#039; is kind of lame. Saying &#039;You&#039;re lame&#039; is like saying &#039;You walk with a limp.&#039; Yeah, whatever, so does 50 Cent, and he&#039;s done all right for himself.&quot; <br /> &mdash; John Green

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I love the idea. It just doesn't flow very well at the top.

But It improves alot at the bottom!So Yay! 4stars=]

Olajide BRONZE said...
on Aug. 29 2010 at 5:46 pm
Olajide BRONZE, Lanham, Maryland
4 articles 0 photos 14 comments
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thanks so much. Pretty much, i value your critic as one that is more than gold. I was still working on the clarity, but when a reader was able to foil out the meaning from stanza one to the end, i relaxed on revising the clarity. Though you've awaken me on the revising on the clarity, thanks so much.
apocalyptigirl BRONZE said...
on Aug. 29 2010 at 3:58 pm
apocalyptigirl BRONZE, Staunton, Virginia
4 articles 2 photos 285 comments

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Lost me after the first stanza -- it sounds like you're trying to be too intricate, too fancy with your words and syntax and have made some critical errors: "Surely shall we be relived in reality?" First of all, it should be "we shall," and 2nd, what does that even mean? Your ideas are not very clear; I didn't understand what/who you were talking about until the end of the poem. And if you confuse readers at the start, most won't even make it that far.

(Not to rain on your parade--it's a great topic to write about and I liked some of the images you used--but I know I would appreciate honesty if it was you correcting my work.)

Riley141 GOLD said...
on Aug. 29 2010 at 1:26 pm
Riley141 GOLD, Yale, Michigan
13 articles 3 photos 145 comments

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This was verry good. I found it verry lyrical and your word choice was great... Keep writing :)
Olajide BRONZE said...
on Aug. 28 2010 at 9:42 pm
Olajide BRONZE, Lanham, Maryland
4 articles 0 photos 14 comments
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Thanks for the compliment. Now my goal is to make this improve, and hpefully get published here. I need your help guys. Keep voting and sending me useful ideas. Thanks. i CAN ASSURE you all that my mouth is above my head not below my nose.
Alcanno DIAMOND said...
on Aug. 28 2010 at 1:12 pm
Alcanno DIAMOND, Mexia, Texas
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Wow. This is very good - you have an amazing vocabulary/word choice, and it flows well. I love the verse starting with "Your heart of stone..." Could you comment on something of mine? Whatever catches your eye would be fine. Great job, definitely keep writing.
thewriteidea DIAMOND said...
on Aug. 24 2010 at 1:55 pm
thewriteidea DIAMOND, Pleasanton, California
67 articles 0 photos 336 comments

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i love the way you ended this. it left one last lingering thought. i can really feel the emotion in this. i was hooked from the first word to the very last! you're a great writer

you can rate/comment on some of my work, too if you'd like. great job on this! keep writing!(: