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Death's Reject
Across the depth of risen fidelity
Lift the ominous evidence of pain
-Through the faint of soulless warriors
The strength of a weak tiger
An undying faith that surge trials of passion
Surely shall we be relived within reality?
Below the bellow of a sunken heart
we throb for comfort in the clueless clouds
Your heart of stone
Valiant as the soul of an eagle
hacking the sage of the sky
I hear that
You lynch the brightest of stars
The majestic of a competent empire
Through the thorns and blushing rage
We seek divine sacrament to obviate this loss
In the uproar of our obscene obsession
We shall dazzle you with a pudding
Or entice you with our bulging boobs
Or indulge you with our wrinkling wealth
Or rather wage a catastrophic war
so we can sail in the ocean of immortality
I ask, Could there be a more demonic strategy
to chastise the fright of this eternal figure?
Unsatisfied in rigid despair
With your immense propensity to take away
So I must plead. Death…
the sovereignty of great loss and sorrow
Please
let my people go
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This article has 8 comments.
Lost me after the first stanza -- it sounds like you're trying to be too intricate, too fancy with your words and syntax and have made some critical errors: "Surely shall we be relived in reality?" First of all, it should be "we shall," and 2nd, what does that even mean? Your ideas are not very clear; I didn't understand what/who you were talking about until the end of the poem. And if you confuse readers at the start, most won't even make it that far.
(Not to rain on your parade--it's a great topic to write about and I liked some of the images you used--but I know I would appreciate honesty if it was you correcting my work.)
i love the way you ended this. it left one last lingering thought. i can really feel the emotion in this. i was hooked from the first word to the very last! you're a great writer
you can rate/comment on some of my work, too if you'd like. great job on this! keep writing!(: