What to wish, well I wish
I was a little girl again
And the worst pain I ever felt was a scrape on my knee
Or pulling a tooth out
And I never wanted to take a drag from a cigarette
And the D.A.R.E. officer
Told truths like God
I actually cared and I swore I’d never touch a drug
And the worst blackmail was
Give me your Cosmic Brownie
Or I’ll tell Zeke Jonas you like him
And I never had to send a dirty picture
To keep a boy quiet
To save someone I love
From having secrets spilled
Like milk from my cereal bowl
I never loved a needle
Or a knife
Never wanted to steal them
From every where just to have them
“In case I needed them”
Thinking that death would never happen to me
Or anyone else I knew
And I thought everyone
Would be around forever and ever
I didn’t even know what suicide meant
Never thought I’d see it happen
I still believed
People just appeared in Heaven eventually,
When God felt like they should
And if you told a lie
You’d go to Hell
(which surely was no worse than Time-Out)
And getting slapped by that first grader
Was the most any boy
Ever hit me
And he got in trouble
Because telling on him was enough
To make it stop.
And I never had to be dragged
Across the country and back,
When I never really wanted to go “home” again.
And when my biological father was still my daddy
And I never had to know
The terrible truth about the monster he really was
Who he’d been all along
Before families got complicated
And I found myself with two fathers
When my real dad wasn’t my real dad anymore
He disappeared
And someone else was daddy now
And I had to spill my entire life onto the floor
(Or rudely ignore the question)
When someone asked
“So who’s your mom and dad?”
“How come your mom has so many boyfriends?”
Back before the other kids got curious
And started asking
“How come you go to the office at lunch?”
“What are those little pills you take for?”
(This was when I still took the correct amount, too
Only one a day)
When my biggest fear was
The hand that I just knew
Was going to grab my ankle and drag me under my bed
Never to return again
(I just knew it)
I never had to think about the real monsters that hid in the dark
Waiting to waste me like the wrapper around
My McDonald’s cheeseburger
There were no thoughts of causing my own
Demise
Or that of others
I never got called names by people I didn’t know
And the worst thing I was ever called
Was ugly or dumb
Back then my “boyfriend”
Was really pretty much a friend who was a boy
And he was just fine with only
Sitting next to me at lunch or sharing my Skittles
And I never had to give him
My body because he “loved” me
Even though I knew
Deep down I didn’t really love him back,
Didn’t want to do this, but oh how I loved
To make him happy.
And getting pregnant was a far off fairy tale
And kind of gross, not a real concern.
Crossing the street was off limits
Thoughts of running away
Were nonexistent
Much less the actions of doing so
And homework took 15 minutes
(that was far too long)
And if I forgot,
My grade didn’t really go down
“Just turn it in tomorrow.”
And candy was good
And green beans were bad
And no one cared if you were fat or little
(Before I stepped on the scale
Every day at least twice)
Before 100 pounds was too much
And I needed to be lighter, smaller
Thinner
Back when cookies were still okay to eat
Being annoying
Was no character fault
It was merely “that age”
(kids will be kids)
I wish… what do I wish?
I wish I was 5 again
Naïve and sweet like caramel apples
I wish… 11:12
It doesn’t really matter what I wish
Does it?