This is not what I expected.
I did not think it would happen like this.
In my wildest dreams, I never imagined that it would end this way.
But it did.
There was no siren, no horn, no wailing sound to announce the end.
There was no Paige to cry out to all who were watching this drama play out that it was over
The end had come
I was left sitting in the stands waiting to see what would happen next
The end was so subtle, I almost missed it
Like the sun, sinking beneath the horizon
I didn't realize it was over
Until all that was left was darkness
I had expected a more dramatic ending
Perhaps a violent fight mirroring the rest of the twisted and abusive plot
Or at least bitter parting words
That could not even hope to scratch the surface of the already scarred hearts
I expected something more finite than this empty, hollow feeling
A signal that would bring me closure
An epiphany
A shot from a pistol
A fallen star
A resounding note
The final tick of the clock
But the only thing that marked the end of this fight
Was the vial of sand sitting on God's desk
Silently, the sand slipped away
Grain by grain, never hinting that the end was near
I had always thought that I would be the victor
After all, how could I not?
The battle fought was brutally prolonged
And I would never settle for anything less than victory
But when the old hag in the mirror looks back at me I wonder what was the price for victory?
Was it worth hurting myself time after time
Watching my hopes rise and then fall with a deafening crash?
Was it worth each cut made upon my heart
Rendering it so weak that it could barely keep a pulse?
Was it worth losing everything I had;
My heart, my vitality, my trust, my optimism, my faith, my courage, and almost my soul
In return for nothing?
Absolutely nothing.
I have nothing now, not even closure
No concrete proof that this is over or that it was even here to begin with
My body has become a cavern
Empty
Save for an aching hollow sound
That reminds me of the past
And what was, and what should have been, and what never will be
Never
I never expected this
I always thought I would feel triumphant, blissful, jubilant at the end
Instead, I walk away apathetic
The only real reason it ended is because I stopped caring
No, it was because I could not care any longer
The pain it caused was not worth it anymore
It hurt too much
It
Hurt
Too
Much
I could no longer convince myself that scars on my heart were signs of loyalty
I could no longer convince myself that losing the battle would mean winning the war
I could no longer convince myself that what I believed was right and what
Everyone else was telling me was wrong
I could no longer convince myself that one day it might be worth it
I could not longer convince myself to stand up every time I fell down
And one day, I didn't even try
I stayed down there in that pit, in that dump, in that hellhole
Longer than any human should ever have had to
I gave up
I gave up on winning
I'm not victorious
There is no winner here
We are stuck
For eternity
At this standstill until judgment day
There will be no crown will be awarded to whomever gets the right hand of cards
Pure luck. Simple chance
And all this will be forgotten by everyone, except me
No, this is not what I expected the ending to be
I expected, I WANTED to be free of all pain, all memories, all ties
I thought that the end would be, The End
No remainders, no leftovers, no baggage still to carry
It was supposed to be done. Over. Finished.
It's not fair that I'm left with a mournful ache that will never leave me
It's not fair that I have to feel hollow and empty and apathetic now, at the end
I thought I would be free
This is not what I expected to feel
The day I realized that
I
Was over
You