There are times at night where it's just you and your mind. The world around you just kind of stops. The times where you think about the conversations you had with your friends and wonder if you should’ve said something different or if you should have maybe smiled at the stranger you walked past. Wondering why when you walk in the hallway it feels like you are moving in slow motion or maybe everyone else is. It feels like whenever you look out of the window in a car, everything just speeds by, you hear voices fade away as you pass by. Times when you know that this is just another episode and it'll pass, just like any other fever I've had. After school when your parents ask you how your day was and you say good, realizing that you have just forgot everything that has happened to you. Memory loss is such a shame and burden but then you remember that your brain is just too tired to remember and you freeze. Moving as if you have a motor and suddenly you're on autopilot. 

When you wake up in the morning and repeat the same selfish and pathetic prayer. “Thank you lord for allowing me to wake up in the morning.. Please allow me and everyone in this world to be safe and have a good day.”

     Then as you get dressed you wonder what will happen, will this cycle repeat, will I have fun, will I remember? You stare at yourself in the mirror with absolutely nothing in mind, just emptiness that you could almost feel. Hollow. As you keep staring at yourself you have one thought in your mind that is almost calming only because maybe it's something you could relate to..”Am I crazy?”.  You feel like time is moving ever so slowly and wonder how you got to school already. Not knowing what to expect, a bad day? A good day? Drama?  A new crush? You wonder if you might even die. You are at a stand still with yourself and think about how ungrateful you are, you fill yourself with so much regret it hurts and you spiral even more. 

You step into school and remember that people can actually see you, you try to look pleasant and you raise your eyebrows, lift your mouth into almost a full smile, widen your eyes, and look up, you put your hand in a comfortable resting position, to your side or fidgeting with your nails and fingers, behind your back or in front of you. Anything just to look ‘good’. You suddenly remember the time your mom told you that you look unapproachable and then you realize that you not only have to look nice but you have to be nice. You would do anything to look ‘perfect’ in this small, absent minded, ignorant, pathetic, hopeless, school. After a while of empty thoughts you snap out of it and zone out into the teacher's eyes. It makes people uncomfortable but it's okay because it gives me a good grade. After school I walk to my car but I walk like a penguin, waddling because you know people are watching you and you get nervous and forget how to walk in a straight line.

When you get home and prepare yourself for the arguing, victimizing, idolizing, narcissistic, and hopeless, family you have. I think mom copes with victimizing and blaming. Mom says she knows everything about me, she will find out one way or another. Mom prays to god about all this. Good for her. Dad likes to blame and gaslights himself into thinking it's not his fault, a narcissist. Hypocrites. Sister.. Goody two-shoes, favorite, brat. She pretends. She's not a good liar, she tries things, “But so has she so why am I getting in trouble?” guilty. My little sister is too young to understand, I feel bad for her. 

You wait patiently for the next argument, the next winner. The next time. You wonder why? Is this just your family? Your mom assures you this is normal and you believe only because you need something to believe in. You are so disgusted by what you see and you hate observing but you can't help it. You are so disgusted that you can't eat. But you do anyway because you don't want to die. You go to bed and close your eyes. You wake up. Then you do it all again. This time you don't eat because you feel like the food that's supposed to be made with love was made with hate and complaint. You can't help but do anything to get away, you point out your dad's actions and your moms. They think you’re a narcissist. 

The next day you go to school and try to not make everything about you. I'm not a narcissist. I am not like you. You keep me locked up “the world is dangerous' ' but how would I know If I never am in it.

In your home you try to avoid tasks. Lazy. You get bored, you end up painting or drawing, you listen to music and write. You play games and you read, you watch TV and you sit and stare at the wall. You hate being alone but being alone is so calming. 

I don't feel the need to say “I” because I hate talking about myself. I can't concentrate on my own. I rely on my body and its muscle memory to sit and write something. Anything. I straighten my back and I act pleasantly. I listen to music to block out the rest of the world. I like breaking the fourth wall and I look around this table, looking at the plastic table that looks like granite, my blue personal computer, I look to my right I see my mom cooking.