05-06-24

I remember

I remember that one boy

The boy that destroyed the way I looked at myself in the mirror

The boy that left an impression of nausea anytime I pass that one skatepark

The boy that made me feel like a monster everytime my phone died, detailing to me the belt on his bedside table and exactly how he would hang himself from it if i didn’t respond

I remember is sweet, crooked smile he flashed each time he saw my face

I remember the familiar smell of his denim jacket he’d wrap around my shoulders each time I'd complain about being cold (which, more often than not, was a lie.)

I remember the feeling of the thin, brittle paper between my fingers as i folded him another paper crane, the ones he told me he cherished

I remember how he made me hate the joy of living, and how that feeling still sticks with me to this day

He’s the first boy I ever loved, the one who made me scared to ever love another again

I remember how I loved to fall asleep in his bed as I watched him play GTA, afterwards slowly awakening to the scent of him giggling as he waved fresh cookies in front of my face, squinting my eyes and groaning.

I remember the feeling of crying so hard I threw up the night we decided to go no contact

I still feel the daily struggle of not reaching out to him every time I’m feeling down

I remember praying each night that he would reappear in my life, whilst in the same breath asking God to “Please not let my baby sister meet somebody like him”