i sit on the park table next to my boyfriend,

(as much as you can have a boyfriend at thirteen)

we are leaning against each other, our feet on the bench,

and his upperclassman friend is crying in front of us.

my boyfriend is talking to her, comforting her

i focus on him: his high voice, his clammy hand holding my clammy hand

his leg pressed against my leg, his body heat overpowering me -

and the upperclassman is still crying.

i focus on my boyfriend: he rubs his thumb up and down my hand, 

draws a line on my skin with his overgrown thumbnail,

leaves behind a trail of pink irritated skin, like an unrealized cut,

and the sight sticks with me.

i focus on the table: it’s one of those tables with diamond holes,

the ones you stick your fingers in and have trouble getting out,

isn’t it funny, how easy it is to get stuck,

how many people get stuck permanently?

the moon is high in the sky, 

the street lights glow white a few yards down,

though nothing illuminates the darkness under this pavilion,

nothing can make this upperclassman stop crying.

i remember how i felt just a few months ago, twelve versus thirteen;

i felt like i was part of the world, 

like i was so human, so empathetic and normal,

and now i am sitting, watching this person cry and not feeling anything.

i try to focus her words and not her heaved cries,

and this whole time she’s been crying over her relationship, and i think:

“why would anyone put themself through that?”

and then i remember that my hand is being held.

i focus on my boyfriend: his is still talking, the upperclassman is still crying

and honestly i’m getting very tired, it’s almost 9 at night,

this upperclassman just won’t stop crying and my boyfriend just won’t stop talking

and it is now that i realize i do not feel anything for either of them, not really.

why do i not feel, when he holds my hand, when he smiles at me

when we sit together on his couch and watch tv

when he talks about how much he likes me

why do i not feel anything -

she stops talking, my boyfriend grabs my face and

before i can react, before i can think

he kisses me,

and it isn’t anything.

there are no fireworks, there is no pleasure

there’s just this quick kiss, chapped lips pressed together

and they’re smiling at me, both my boyfriend and the upperclassman,

and the upperclassman is not crying anymore

i do not understand what is happening

i do not understand why i am sorrowful

i do not understand why he kissed me

but i do understand how i am supposed to react:

i smile and he does it again and again and again through the night

and i smile then, too (even as i do not kiss back, even as i pull away)

so maybe that encourages him, maybe that’s why he keeps doing it

but it’s only a kiss so i should not feel like i am going to vomit

i have always known there is something wrong with me,

but on this halloween night i am shown that i lack what so many believe

is a fundamental aspect of being human:

the ability to fall in love.