halmoni often tells me in bed

when the lights are off

that she thinks death is nearing her—

with a shaky voice that

once sang me lullabies. 

words cling on the

tip of my tongue: 

“it cannot be / because you still  braid my hair / because you still tie my shoelaces / because nights are too long without you / because I will be strayed & because I am still your baby girl.” 

I cannot fathom such words

without shedding tears

and halmoni gets mad when I cry.

I think of pretending to be asleep

but halmoni knows when I’m lying

and halmoni gets mad when I lie. 

& I don’t want her to be mad—

especially at me. 

so I swallow the words

sitting on my tongue 

and say—“then who’s gonna feed your cat?”