my mom says the bags under my eyes
are lighter than they've been in years
the last time my face looked like i'd gotten
a full night's rest was that day at 3 o'clock
before my lungs swelled with fluid
in the third grade
before the doctors said I wouldn't make it to
christmas.
i didn't die, but i must have
i've been a ghost for years.

my mom says I look happier
my mom says I'm glowing
i slept for six hours last night and
i'm more rested than i've been in months
falling asleep presenting my poster
in second-period english
i started it with a raw red nose
my voice grating against the
inflammation in my throat
i don't believe in euthanasia, but in my case, it might be merciful
at least three laughs
that's a win in my book
after class, my english teacher drops
5 cough drops in my palm
sweet like candy, sugar coating my throat

in august, i run into an orange cat
on my walk home from school
he lets me pet him
but then he bites
i walk down the same alley
the next day
and the next
and he greets me every day
By october, I've named him garfield
and he forgets to remember to bite me
october and he runs up to me as soon as
he sees me.

october and i'm wearing your hoodie, and
the boy who loves me most
isn't who i thought it would be
in the hallway, the curly-haired boy
i called mine waves, and his hands accuse me.
selfish
yes, i know.
i'm sorry i couldn't love you as long as
i promised i would.
liar
yes, well, you lied too.
both our hands are too stained with sin
to hold each other
october and his hands accuse me
every 5-minute passing period
by january i will have forgotten
his hands left ravines in my skin
by january i won't remember that once,
all my roads lead back to him.
by january i will have forgotten.
october.
15 days with you have seemed
more real than 8 months painted blue
i am forgetting that
i loved the color blue
i am watching the world turn orange
i am watching my world turn yellow
you kiss me at the red light
and I'm singing along against your lips

in biology, we learn about
dendrites
and vacuoles
and 80 ss ribosomes
your arms around me,
my hands on yours,
my knees against the altar
my youth pastor tells you
this is the only allowable purple
i'm crying and
my smile reaches my eyes this time
how did I get this lucky?
you say it wasn't luck
your hoodie smells like bonfire smoke and
the thing is, i don't wanna die anymore and
i haven't for a long time
even on my bad days

i guess what I'm trying to say is
i love you