i walk through the halls of my undoing

watch stolen queerness fade

then rush back with a vengeance

i shone greyish and bleak then

afire with loss of comforting stares

& assurance.                                         he'll stay alive

in memory and starry nights:                 no.

those nights i had no recourse

but spilled secrets on the bathroom floor

tainted memories adrift on broken wind

crushes on boy-apparition-nothings

i had you, grrl i met every night, your hair in my eyes

your hand burning a blinding pink triangle into mine

a scar i never knew i had to earn. such a pain to deal with

but god, you were beautiful—are you still?

i had you, you who taught me with a shy smile to feel again

thrust embers of past love into my heart

you burned me down; i just came crawling to you

living for possibility, aspiring to a will to live

you spurred the world

to mock this queer

a walking felony for fourteen years blank slate

or else live unloved entertainment

for debate bros with too much time on their hands

in private you dressed me in diffuse light

the kind you only see at the end of a long, straight tunnel

we saw him through together:

impracticalities gleaming in our burnt-out eyes: saw a roadmap

for the kind of love

you've only known after falling apart