When the wind blows

My hair running faster than my heartbeat

Trying to speak

But my voice is swamped

Stolen

From the yelling

My feet are aching

Pounding

As if it was a headache

Its fluctuating

The way it hurts

Reminds me of the stomping

Reminds me of the slamming

Reminds me of the screaming

I'm pulled back to reality

By the slap of yelling

Cheering

They won the game

They won the hearts of this small town

This small, ugly town

That rips my heart apart

That makes me run to the bathroom

Crying

Tears running down my face

Streaking my memories

It reminds me

Reminds me of the stomping

Reminds me of the slamming

Reminds me of the screaming

I feel my chest rise and fall

But it’s tighter than I’ve ever felt before

I can feel the panic rising

I can feel the tightness of my bra

Constricting me

I can’t feel like this

I haven’t in a while

I have the urge

But it’s been too long for me to give up now

And it would hurt too much

But God

It would feel so good

Letting the pressure go

Letting the blood ease its way down

The way it hurts

Reminds me of the stomping

Reminds me of the slamming

Reminds me of the screaming

I can never understand why I have these attacks

Almost as if my heart is seizing

Shaking

Under pressure

But there’s no pressure

I’m perfectly fine

I’m just cheering

I’m just sweating

I forgot I was crying

Can they tell?

Do they care?

If I walk out it won’t be enough

They won’t be loud enough

They need to scream

Because the way it hurts

Reminds me of the stomping

Reminds me of the slamming

Reminds me of the screaming

Can they see my struggle?

Do they see how I can’t breathe?

Why can I not focus?

Why can I not breathe?

Why is no one stopping me?

Why can’t I just cut?

Why is this so difficult?

I need to breathe

It feels impossible

I feel the weight of it all now

It’s all so heavy

Pushing down on my chest

I have no way of relief

It hurts too bad 

I have to deal with it, though

For her

For him

For myself

For my family

I have to stop remembering