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It's Saturday morning in the Month of May.
Was waking up to what I thought was a good day.
Until a blast took place in the back of my head.
It was as if a bomb blew up and I thought oh no.
This isn't normal, blurry vision, bomb like headache, feeling sick.
I knew it couldn't be normal.
I grabbed my cell and gave my Ma' a call.
Telling her something's wrong, you need to get back here now.
I fell to my knees in tears knowing this could be it.
I pulled myself up walking to the shower and just stood in it for relief but
there was no such hope.
I was so weak, I wasn't me.
I gave in and tears cam rolling down the sides of my cheeks.
I was in so much pain, my Ma' asked do you want to go see the Doc?
I knew I needed to but I was so weak, couldn't move or walk so all
I did was stumble to the car door with the help of my Ma's hand and me leaning
on her to carry me.
I got to see the Doc, they wanted to give me a shot.
Unable to really speak I mumbled and asked where?
He said it'd be best in the buttocks.
I lifted my head with my eyes wide open with an angry pale face
and stuttered two words, Hell No, can't you give it to me in my arm?
We can it just will take longer, I say that's okay.
They go then come back and say nope it can't be done in the arm has to be done
down there. I again stutter Hell No, give me pills. They did and so I went my way.
Hours passed, no change, no relief, so out of it. My Grandmother asked had I ever felt like this
before? I nodded no, she said I bet your hemorrhaging.
You need to go to the hospital and we did, unable to walk, talk, see, function leaning
on my Ma to carry me. I collapsed, so weak, tears in my eyes and think why, God why me?
They ran many tests, had me doped up on morphine. That was finally some relief from the pain in my head. The worst felt pain was yet to come. The Doc came in looked at me with that face, you know, bad news. I wasn't expecting the words I'd hear next. My heart was racing, pounding, I was scared, nervous, knowing what may come next I needed God, I needed him then more than ever.
The words flew out of his mouth your bleeding in the brain caused by an AVM.
You'll need to have surgery because if not you'll die. We're having you air transferred to Children's Memorial Herman Hospital, my heart was then ripped from my chest!
I busted into tears, horrified my life flashed before my very eyes, seeing the good and bad I'd done,
things I may never get to do in life such as have a family, kids, my dream job, never see my loved ones again friends, family, my beloved pets and even my favorite actresses. My life leaguered between life and death. Riding in the air craft wasn't all that bad because the medics were looking fine, and had me doped up on laughing gas.
Arriving at the hospital they rolled me to the ICU where the most serious cases were. They ran more tests. Four surgeons, many nurses working as one to benefit me, that was pretty sweet. What kept me calm was the fact they were all good looking, and I had the one thing I called my best friend since I was a young child a orange/white tabby stuffed animal named Kitty and holding on to my Ma's hand tightly.
A surgeon came in and explained that there was three different surgical ways they could remove the AVM. The first going through the nasal to the back of the brain, second going through the groin of the thigh or third craniotomy going through the actual head to clip the AVM. I again fell weak and in fear yelled Hell No, I won't let you. Let's say at the time I became a bad patient.
Unable to eat or drink I was numb, pale, scared, hurt, angry. I wasn't so much angry with those that were trying to help me but more because I felt like God had left me, didn't love or care for me. I blamed him for what was happening.
Sunday a day in may just another day of tests, being poked in my hands and arms left many bruises. Was finally able to eat so I sent my mom out to get me some subway because they had to go back to the house to get stuff anyways. My Aunt stayed with me, got some ice cream sandwiches for me and her, we ate and talked. Then the unexpected happened again, I fell weak worse than before grabbing
my head and yelled get a Doc or someone please! Strong tears pored from my eyes like a river, they didn't come at first, my Aunt yelled at them and said no something is wrong come now with fear, and anger in her voice.
I was ice cold which I knew I was an inch away from death, they did a brain scan and being so weak and out of it I heard a nurse say she just might need to have surgery tonight meant it was a second bad bleed. My Ma, Grandmother came back up and my Ma tore into zillions of pieces fearing the worse for my life. She grabbed my hand and I said to her please don't get rid of my cats, I love you Mommy and the last words I said to my Aunt was work things out with Grandma.
They then rolled me back to surgery which wouldn't be my last but the first of many. Pressure of the bleed which wasn't caused by the first but second was causing the blood to drain down my spine which could make me go blind, paralyzed, comatose or die. They drilled holes into the top of my skull, placed tubes in and let the over flowing blood drain out.
Then following two more surgeries both through the groin in my thigh. Being so out of it I dreamed two dreams. The first being me laying in a hospital bed in a soap opera acting out a scene. The next was me trying to find a place to sleep while seeing different kinds of monster like things. I even saw a familiar soul, she wasn't a person within the flesh but rather an angel. I knew who she was, I saw her. Felt nothing but love, hope, peace all those things. I waved and smiled big, no one would of expected who it was. She was my Aunt Mary who hadn't passed even a year prior. She was watching over me, the funny thing though the night she passed she came to me and touched my head way before all this. She was one of probably many angels who watched over me.
First day of June the sky was blue. Then came that day June First. I laid in preparation for surgery, being out of it but still able to hear. I heard the shaver that which was used to shave the part of my head they'd be cutting into. When it was done I was put on life support, asked them by writing in the palm of my Ma's had to restrain my wrists so I wouldn't pull out the tube. They did, being bed bound I had a catheter, my head was wrapped with white cloth. I was in and out of it for three days post op. Able to still hear, I heard my grandmother ask do you know what today is? It's grandma's birthday. They tried to show me some stuffed animals they had got me and some other stuff. A singing Chihuahua, 2 Bears one a doc & nurse that sing and a Memorial bear that sings Proud to be an American in honor of Memorial weekend because it was around that time all this took place. I didn't care I was to out of it to see it.
They soon came into test my memory by asking me all kinds of questions knowing I'd be able to answer some but not others. I struggled with it at first but got through it. It was a hazy memory after major brain surgery. Days later I was me again but a new better version of me. We were told of a girl that was 10 years that died of the same thing I had, I fell sad. I wanted to so much reach out to her family but knew I couldn't. We were also told of those with AVM's like mine don't know they have it until they are gone which is 99% of people, it can cause seizures which I had been suffering from for many years which was the likely cause by the AVM being the source. I was soon released to go home, they stitched up my inner arm with a needle and thread that will disappear on it's own over time. Came home lucky to have no major side effects from the surgery but with a little bit of memory haze and loss of eye sight in my left eye which was where the AVM was.
There isn't more than to say I'm a living breathing miracle, fighter, survivor. There was this young black boy about my age at the time who went up to my Ma and Grandmother, said I'm going to call my mom she is a pastor, I'll ask her to pray for your daughter. My Ma talked to the boys mother. My Ma stood in shock, and thought he must be an angel and even maybe my guardian angel, who would do that? I then lived to see Seventeen on June Sixteenth also the day I had the stitch's removed from my head.
Soon was home, lived to tell my story and say God is real, Miracle are real. God gave me a second chance. Believe in the almighty one and through him you shall see change, miracles be lined, feel the presents of his holy spirit and sing glory to God's holy name and his son Jesus Christ the king of kings, Father of all his children. I don't weep, I smile and sing, my king is here with me, I close my eyes and say goodnight.
Rancho Santa Fe, California
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