My Life's Only Fate | Teen Ink

My Life's Only Fate

November 28, 2011
By WriterGirl33 PLATINUM, Tulsa, Oklahoma
WriterGirl33 PLATINUM, Tulsa, Oklahoma
26 articles 0 photos 18 comments

Favorite Quote:
It is better to not speak and let people think you are a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.

I dwell in a house bigger than most.
I live in a neighborhood nicer than some.
I stand in a country so grand and so great.
I drift on a planet lush green and dark blue.
I spin in a galaxy surrounded by stars.
i shrink in a universe compared to just earth.
I feel i'm an alien in this popular world.
I wonder what's out there in the vast open space.
I think is this it?
my life's only fate?

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This article has 1 comment.

on Jan. 6 2012 at 1:21 pm
Zinaidia SILVER, Moreno Valley, California
8 articles 3 photos 78 comments

Favorite Quote:
\\\"Whatever you are, be a good one.\\\"

So you asked for some constructive criticism, so here you go :) The first line, great job using "dwell" instead of "living", it makes the poem more enticing. Second line, great job as well. Third line, writing "so grand and so great" does not flow too well, and takes away from the poem. Otherwise good. Fourth line, again does not flow too well. Maybe add punctuation marks. Fifth line, great job! It is clear and memorable. Sixth line, you need to capitalize the "i". Try switching earth and universe, because having "universe" then "earth" is a little choppy. Seventh line, I think you meant "populated" not popular. Eighth line, good job. Ninth line, put quotes or italicize the "is this it" part, since it is something you are thinking. tenth line, capitalize "my". Overall, it has great imagery and I like how it starts off small and then gets bigger and bigger, then comes back to you. Great job!