Everyone raves about how amazing “Love” is, but if it is so amazing why does it leave me feeling the way it does? Love has left me with so many questions throughout my life: “Why am I not good enough?” and “What do I do to get treated like this?” During my life, it has made me feel lonely, guilty, and full of regret. Love shouldn’t leave me empty if it's as amazing as everyone claims; love should make me feel full and ready for more. I shouldn’t have to question whether I’m loved, I should just simply know it. My whole life, I grew up believing love is something it wasn’t. Love isn’t screaming at @/ each other one day, begging for a divorce, and there’s a beautiful bouquet of fresh flowers on the table the next day. Love isn’t getting drunk one night, leaving your family, and coming back out of nowhere begging for forgiveness with gifts for everyone. Love is your nana cooking your favorite meal of tuna casserole every Friday night and letting you spend the night while your parents argue; love is encouragement when you feel you’re at your all-time low, and most importantly, love is shown at church when everyone supports and loves you.

Home has never felt like a home, instead, it feels like a resting place for me to close my sad weary eyes every night. On the outside, it appears nearly picture perfect, fresh flowers on the porch, blooming plants in the mulch, and perfectly lined fresh cut grass. But the moment you step into the house your whole mood will shift, it feels haunted, not by ghosts, but by a shattered family with destructive lies within it.  When we moved into the house in 2016, our lives were different. We were a young family, excited to make new memories filled with happiness in this house. There was always something missing though, and it was simply love. As the years went on the house slowly felt less like a home, My father went through jobs, which led to his severe alcohol abuse. My mom's career was tanking due to the economy, and I was raising my brother while they were both gone working. I kept him safe, and I showed him the only love I knew. I provided for him, I held him during the hard arguments, and I closed his ears so he would not hear the painful words of hate downstairs. In every argument, they scream they hate each other and they need a divorce, yet they claim this is love. They sit me down and tell me it’s normal for couples to argue every night, but deep down I know it’s not okay. Love shouldn’t be screaming hateful words at each other, love shouldn’t be divorce papers, this isn’t love it’s simply hate. I am thankful that I grew up with this love though, because it has taught me the most valuable lesson of what love isn’t. 

My nana was the most powerful and loving person I knew. She had the power to make a grieving room laugh, and she had the power and strength to fight through cancer until her final days. Up until her final breath, she taught me how to love and to feel loved. Every Friday night throughout elementary school I stayed the night with her, while I was there I created my fondest memories; like dancing to Michael Buble, eating tuna noodle casserole, and scratching lottery tickets hoping to finally get the big win. I never knew why I had to go there though, but I always looked forward to it. Until recently I believed it was so I could have fun, but now I know why, I went there to escape my arguing home. I went there to escape the countless beer bottles, and the constant swearing at one another. I went there for the love I wasn’t receiving. There was never a day when I didn’t feel loved by her; she gave me hugs, tucked me in, and was there for me when nobody else was. My Nana was there to parent me when my parents couldn’t, she was there to rub my back after a rough day, and she was there when I needed a shoulder to rest my heavy head on. She gave me the love I needed and taught me how to love. Overall, my nana taught me love and taught me what it was.

I started going to church once my father got a new job in Alaska, since he was gone my mom wanted to take our family to church again. Once I started attending regularly again  I learned the true meaning of love: “Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud” (1 Corinthians 13:4). This verse simply changed my life. I realized that I'd wasted my life searching for something that wasn’t even love. Now I know and understand how great love is. Love is unconditional, selfless,  amazing, and exciting. There’s love all around me; I just need to search for it. There’s love in the emptiness, love in the silence, love in the gifts, love in the kind words, and love in relationships. Love is simply everywhere you just need to look for it.