I was raised in a very religious household, attending church every Sunday and singing in the choir. My mother works as the musical director and my dad could be heard frequently practicing his part for the small ensembles in the adult choir. I was always the kid who attended church camp in the summer with my friends, took part in the talent shows singing current Christian rock songs, and I even read my statement of faith on my confirmation day four years ago.
About two and a half years ago, my faith in the god that I believed was the answer to everything shattered. My father has cancer, more specifically a tumor called a chondrosarcoma that grows around part of his spinal cord. He has had it all throughout my childhood and I always knew it was a major health concern. Two and half years ago was when the condition finally caused him to become paralyzed from the waist down. This was when I really began to question what kind of god I was putting all my faith into. I prayed and prayed to him for years and was loyal and yet he took away part of my father. I was angry, and I still feel anger today.
Going back into the Bible and reading passages that, at a younger age I believed so highly in, I still feel confusion as to what I thought I was reading at the time. It feels to me that this “righteous and forgiving god” seems more like an abusive parent, never noticing or rewarding you when you do something good and yet taking away and threatening you when you sin. It feels to me now that the reason people worship god is mainly out of fear. Like if someone puts a gun up to your head and demands you to tell them you love them, what are you going to do? The answer is obvious: you’re going to say it only to save your own life.
Another point is the concept of God’s omniscience. If he knows everything that we are going to do, why punish us when we do these actions? And why give us free will if we are only going to be punished for utilizing it? The more I think of religion, the more I see the contradictions and inconsistencies. I sometimes wish I could believe again, and yet at the same time I feel better questioning and being skeptical than blindly believing and listening with no opinion of my own. I don’t know where I stand and right now that feels okay.