I’ve always wondered if life is like the movies. Not necessarily the plot, but the way the people act. The characters seem to be so mature, and I wonder if people in real life are the same way. Being eighteen, I feel like people my age are a lot older than I perceive them to be. When I was younger I admired people older than me and could not wait until I could go through the teenage experiences I imagined they had. My freshman year I got a glimpse of that, but as time went on I started to isolate myself to spend time with just a few people. I missed my opportunity to branch out and meet a lot of people. At the time I didn’t realize what that mistake would do to me. Not talking to anyone or being social left my mind stuck on freshman thoughts. I feel like right now, I don’t truly see people how they are, but a freshman version of themselves. Except certain people that closely resemble stereotypes seen in movies. I constantly question whether or not my personality correlates to my appearance. I ask myself everyday what people see when they see me. I understand that what other people might see is not necessarily important, but it matters to me because knowing would give me a better understanding of who I am. Since I don’t know what to make of everyone else, I feel like I don’t know what to make of myself.

Moving schools also jumbled my perspective as well. At my old school, I knew everyone’s niche and the type of person they were. I knew my spot in that school Here, I don’t know the different groups of people. A majority of the people seem preppy, and although there were preppy people at my old school, these preppy people are uptight. I can’t find that laid back group here like the one I was a part of at my old school. I don’t talk to a lot of people like everyone else because I never took the time to get close to a person. I put up an immediate wall in front of people because I’m afraid of judgement. As much as I try to drive that wall down with confidence, my self conscious keeps it firm. I know I need to start being authentic with people, because deep down inside I know who I am. It’s just hard to let that person show. My voice literally changes when I am around certain people. I think I focus too much on who I am supposed to be, or the idea that I am trying to figure it out. I just want to find myself and be happy. I feel like to the rest of the world I am a loser, and if that’s true then I don’t know how willing I am to accept it.