Suicide Prevention
Disclaimer: This piece is for satirical purposes and is in no means meant to be taken seriously.

The tenth leading cause of death in the United States of America is suicide. Suicide can be accomplished in a multitude of ways: suicide by cop, slitting the wrist and the all time favorite, jumping off a bridge. Often used in the phrase, “build me a bridge and jump off it”. If only everyone got over their unnecessary drama and do just that. While there are nearly half a million deaths annually from suicide, there are many ways to prevent it. Therefore, I propose a simple way to cut back on early deaths and that is to feed everyone the happy candy: skittles. Skittles provide the colors of the rainbow and therefore make people happy.

Since 2007, the suicide rates have refused to die, and continue to increase. “White males accounted for 7 of 10 suicides in 2016” therefore, they are much more successful than the women desperate for attention. It is imperative that we, as a whole, manufacture and produce and overabundance of these happy candies in order to make the nation a happy one. The “123 suicides per day” could be a statistic of the weaker generation who failed to realize that you can buy happiness for the low price of 190 calories. While this may add to the troubling amount of obese people in America, wouldn’t you rather be fat and happy then skinny and depressed? After all, it’s only your appearance, the one thing everyone judges you on.
As the efforts are continued and Americans are being forced to take skittles, the nation will just be one big smile. The smile will just grow wider as we leave guns up for grabs. On the bright side, “firearms account for 51% of all suicides”. It’s not like it’s the majority of the population. These happy treats must be carefully delivered to the oversensitive patients. God forbid they get startled and pull the trigger on accident. Even if a life is loss, it’s not like it’s anything important like learning how to use the Pythagorean theorem or, more importantly how to divide polynomials.

Happy treats will have to delicately be placed at the hands of its abusers. Soon they will be the new addictive drug. Students will be more obsessed with popping skittle pills than juuling in their school bathrooms. While skittles may be highly addictive so are their lasting effects of being highly happy. As there are close to 30,000 deaths caused by overdose, the most that will happen if you overdose on skittles are diabetes. With the simple help of a shot, nothing can stop you from this beautiful drug.
Some of the many collateral benefits from popping skittle pills are the wonderful colors of the rainbow and how happy they make you feel. Whether you prefer taking the happy yellow ones, the royal purple, the graceful green, and many more to choose from. There are plenty of options to help put you in your narcotic state of mind, the only state of mind you should be in. While being under the influence of these delightful snacks, suicidal Americans will forget to hang themselves and be granted another worthless day on Earth. This beautiful drug also has the lasting effect of distracting their abusers. They will be so high on the rainbow, the leprechaun at the end of their colorful journey will be throwing his coins at them. Skittles prevent their abusers from feeling left out, as these highly addictive drugs become a new trend. While you can’t blow O’s or do any really cool tricks with them, they will help you lose IQ points, if that’s possible.
Suicide can bring in the money by posting a simple video that gets over millions of views. Adding to the suicide rates would be a pity but why not force another drug into circulation to distract the “temptation” of wanting to kill yourself because of a bad five minutes one had and decided to sulk all day on it. While there would be some backlash, as expected by the oversensitive Americans who need to get off their periods and grow a pair, this is the best alternative. The American public gets to pop pills almost as fun as Xanax all the while tasting the rainbow.
This plan would allow for Americans to do what they love: pop pills and get fat. While each packet has under 200 calories, this would be a safer and less expensive way to ruin a body. The nation would no longer waste $69 billion dollars because some worthless soul actually listened to some lowlife and ended it all. Maybe if they decided the extra 50 pounds were worth living instead of furthering their country in debt, there would be more opportunities for the people left on this rubbish planet. When aiming for your goals, you might as well aim to be the one that succeeds instead of being one of the other 25 that attempted suicide.

While suicide trends could be reduced by spreading hotline numbers and letting people know someone cares about them, the better alternative is letting them know food cares about them. Food will never let them down and obviously is more comforting than another human. Instead of wasting copious amounts of money on light drugs to overdose on, a suicidal person would get more bang for their buck overdosing on the hard drugs that are Skittles.