As it is reaching April 1st there will be a lot of fear among students. It is the final notification of colleges across the country and I am afraid. All throughout my life I was taught that I need to get good grades so that I can get into a good college and that good college will get me a good job then that good job will give me a happy life. Now, my parents have lowered the standard. All they want me to get into is at the very least a state funded college, a college above community but less than a university. It probably has to do with how they discovered that my sister’s private school is so expensive. Yet I can’t help to feel anxious and have self-doubt that maybe the reason is that they don’t have faith in me. It could just be the anxiety from the notification that is making me believe this.

My dream college is on the other side of the country where it has everything I wanted in a college. It has my major which is hard to find nevertheless being a notable course for that school based off several lists I’ve researched. It has an active greek life and an active community. Furthermore it would be interesting to explore the cultures of a different state. Yet dreams rarely take roots. I don’t know whether I will be able to get in and even if I was able to then how would I be able to afford it.

This brings me to my second choice school and in all honesty probably the school I will be attending due to affordability, family friends who go there, and various other factors will promptly make my parents shove me towards that choice. To further my fear, my second choice was suppose to send their notifications a week ago. All that weekend I was afraid that I wasn’t going to get in so every day at every hour I checked. There was nothing. Come Monday and people tell me that nobody has received any notification from that school. I was relieved. I thought I was the only one. When college application itself is really just a lack of choice as a whole it would be nice to know that from what I was able to apply to, my choice, that I would be able to at the very least make that decision. No? Yeah, pretty much.

I keep telling myself that no matter what schools accept me then those that don’t are at a loss. Yet I feel the one at loss. I keep trying to tell myself that where I go doesn’t matter because it is what I do with it. Yet I feel like I won’t be at my best if I don’t go to the right school. I keep trying and I’m just exhausted. I’m tired of being afraid. I’m tired of the anticipation, not the I’m watching a really good TV show and I want to know what happens next but the I’m in the middle of a horror movie and I’m probably going to be killed feeling, and the rejection letters. I just want it to be over, this feeling of a lack of control.

My teacher who I’ve known and had for practically four years told me stories of his past students who wanted to get into x schools but then they had to settle for school y. He said how even though they cried and they whine about it the moment they arrived on campus till they went back to visit him they had fallen in love with where they went. I hope that applies to me. He also said that there is like a 5% chance that you may not like where you settled for but to remember that you can set a goal and figure how to get there. After all it is only undergrad, you can always transfer out for go there for grad school.  My philosophy has always been, “you will always get to where you need to be as long as you try”. It is a philosophy that was suppose to work even in conditions where I feel like I’m helpless so I’m doing my best to remember this.

I hope that I can hold onto his advice and remember my philosophy.