Above any other quality, I would consider myself to be an expert student.  Throughout my fourteen or so years of schooling, I have basically mastered the ins and outs of every little aspect of the pre-collegiate student.  A lot of this comes from my understanding of the concept of common sense; whether it’s talking my way out of trouble or making the correct decision to avoid that trouble in the first place.  On top of that, I am full of successful test-taking tips, I give trustworthy advice on joining social groups, and I know the best ways to cheat on that upcoming quiz (don’t tell my English teacher).  However, above all things, I pride myself in the classification certain teachers based off of my years of observations and interactions.  After all that I have been through, I have essentially narrowed every teacher that I have ever wasted my time in a classroom with into five specific categories.  Every teacher out there, in some way or another, can be assigned to one of these groups, and that I can guarantee.  Having prior knowledge of where your teachers fall under these standards can be the difference between an outstanding and a grueling semester.

The Safe Bets
The Safe Bets are those middle-of-the-line teachers who you don’t really consider to be too special.  To put it simply, there isn’t much to say about these teachers since nothing major ever happened in their classroom.  These were the rather boring classes such as your language or math courses where you sat in the desk towards the back of the room and twiddled your thumbs all day, waiting for the bell to ring.  You coasted through the year, not getting to know the teacher too well on a personal level because, honestly, you didn’t care either way.  More details for this type of teacher would be provided, except for the fact that they weren’t too memorable in the first place, so it becomes a challenge to cover the specifics.  Overall, the Safe Bets receive a mediocre grade in regards to their effectiveness.

The Embarrassments
To be straight, these are the teachers who should heavily consider going back to school in search of a different profession.  Everyone has had an Embarrassment as their teacher at some point in time.  They tend to be the ones who seem miserable every single morning and progressively get worse as the day goes on.  This capitulated demeanor does everything but directly tell the students that they hate their job.  Besides their negative attitudes and lack of ambition, most would struggle with teaching a rock to stay put.  They are depressing people who are thankfully rare in population.  They don’t fall under any certain subject since technically any subject can be dull enough to be taught by one them, although age-wise, they are almost always found on the young end of the spectrum.  Their effectiveness receives a negative score because they take away from time that a lot students could have used in a more efficient manner.

The Lieutenants
This example of a teacher, similar to a drill sergeant, makes your life a living hell (in a good way).  The Lieutenants are the ones who whip a struggling student right into shape.  With eyes in the back of their heads, they can tell when you are not paying attention, on your phone, or dozing off in the middle of a lecture, and they are not afraid to call you out on it.  Drop and give me 50 you maggot!  They are as strict as can be.  Usually found in the history department, these intimidating middle-aged adults can come as tall, husky, grey-haired men, or as tidy, scowling, well-postured women.  With these sorts of teachers, you find yourself nervous when you miss even one question on your homework, scared about the consequences that could possibly result.  Using this fear factor to their advantage, Lieutenants often guide students to finish the school year on a good note… or at least those who can survive the year.  This earns them a very high score in terms of their effectiveness.

The Sparknotes
This is a very fitting name for these types of teachers.  They are the ones who you are in love with since they make things easy and enjoyable, much in the similar way that Sparknotes makes reading simple and convenient.  At the same time, though, they really don’t have any depth to their teaching as Sparknotes normally spares the specifics.  Lacking substance does make these people awful teachers, but you still remain satisfied nonetheless.  You’re ecstatic to be taking their blowoff class because you expect that it should be an easy A.  These are the teachers that you tend to kiss up to in order to ensure a solid grade in the class.  Seen as science teachers for the most part, many of the Sparknotes are getting close to retirement.  They could easily be classified as Embarrassments if it weren’t for their stellar personalities and tenure status.  As far as effectiveness goes, Sparknotes are unfortunately sub-par, but their conversational skills definitely give them a few bonus points.

The GOATS
The Greatest of All-Time, or in this case, Greatests.  The name is pretty self-explanatory.  I have been lucky enough to experience a plethora of phenomenal teachers in my days.  These are the ones who check all of the boxes.  They are great teachers with great personalities, who allow you to be yourself and enjoy your time in their classroom environment.  You are always caught hanging out with them after school, you know to go to them for your recommendation letters, and you already plan to invite them to your graduation party.  These open-minded English and Art teachers who could pass for your aunt/uncle, always have smiles on their faces and a positive ambiance about them.  It could be their sarcastic humor or their outgoing gestures of kindness, but whatever it is, it makes them your favorite teacher, and they are effective beyond belief.

Being able to identify which category your teachers fit into is a very handy skill to obtain as a student.  By putting this classification to use, kids should be able to turn their academic school year into a success.  Without it, who knows what could happen?  You could get stuck with an Embarrassment, and in the case of that, I wish you good luck.