College dining halls are the death of every student's existence. The place where you go to eat and leave feeling like you just ate a whole lot of grease. But I have come up with a grand plan to improve the dining hall experience – or at least make it more entertaining.

Let's start with the options. Who likes the terribly cooked chicken that can give you salmonella every day? It's almost like the chefs are trained to cook like that because there is no other way to mess up chicken that consistently. The crackheads that live in downtown Tempe could cook better. For a change though, how about some kangaroo meat? It's high in protein for those who are bulking. It's not like anyone will know the difference. And why stop there? Let’s introduce some exotic fruits like dragon fruit or jackfruit. Sure, they smell terrible, but at least it'll be an eye-opening experience.

Let's talk about the quality of ingredients. The vegetables are so overcooked and unseasoned that they turn into puree the moment you touch them. Why not just skip the whole process and serve baby food instead? It's already mushy, perfect for those who have trouble chewing. While we're at it why not serve cardboard with toppings? No one would notice the difference between cardboard and pizza anyway. Why waste money on fresh produce when we can just serve canned fruits that have been sitting in syrup for years past expiration? It's like eating packets of pure sugar. It would save the chef's time and effort too.

                                                                                                                              How could anyone forget the presentation of the food? Why use plates when they can just serve everything on a single tray? Who needs utensils when we can just use our hands, after all this is America, the land of cheeseburgers and corndogs. Our ancestors didn't need plates or cutlery, we should pay homage to them.

Now, let's address the portion sizes, the few days dining halls decide to serve edible food. The servings are smaller than our appetites, so why not just skip the trays and serve everything in shot glasses? College kids already have experience taking shots so might as well make them feel comfortable. And if we're really hungry, we can just get a dozen shots of mac and cheese if there's any left.

Finally, the price. We're already paying an arm and a leg for tuition, so why not charge us $3,000 more for the privilege of eating what can only be defined as borderline food? We are putting our taste buds in prison. Imagine paying to be in prison, oh wait we are. Maybe someone could start a black market for dining hall food where we can trade our meal swipes for something actually edible. Enter the Provisions on Demand or P.O.D. market, another cash grab by the university. The dining hall makes the P.O.D. market seem like a New York Steakhouse. Mostly because all of the food is pre-packaged making it impossible for the “Dining Hall Chefs” to mess up.

We need to change the way we think about dining halls. Instead of questioning the “food”, let's be intrigued by the questionable meats, expired canned fruits, and the lack of utensils. Let's get creative and see who can take the most shots. After all, it's not about the food itself, but the memories we create while trying to survive the jumbled mush in our stomachs we call the dining hall.