Revenge of the Mascots | Teen Ink

Revenge of the Mascots MAG

November 5, 2011
By Prometheus PLATINUM, East Aurora, New York
Prometheus PLATINUM, East Aurora, New York
29 articles 0 photos 106 comments

What happens the day Mickey Mouse finally cracks? When he grabs that little kid by the pants – the one who's been pulling his tail all day – and punts him down Main Street USA? Would the magic of Disney be lost forever? Probably. Parents would no longer buy their children Disney toys, the Disney channel would be banned (“too violent”), and Disney theme parks would crumble. A corporate empire would vanish. All because of one ratty little mouse.

Such responsibility is shared by the big-headed mascots of all types and professions. Take for instance the cute little buffalo at the local baseball stadium – the one my younger brother pulled down by the tail because he ignored requests for a high five. If that furry fellow had turned around and chucked my brother into the bullpen, I would not have been surprised. But instead, he chose to ignore the taunts and walk away passively. He saved the business. But I was disappointed.

Which brings me to another point. Mascots are terribly abused. Everyone wants to see Daffy Duck get punched, and the amount of slime that accumulates on Winnie the Pooh from drooling babies must be enormous. Job satisfaction? I think not.

Thus, we must address the pressing question (a question not of if but when): What will happen the day the mascots go on strike? The mere thought – thousands of distraught, furry creatures stampeding through major cities, not allowed to speak but wholly prepared to trample – terrifies me. And will we be able to reason with them? Come to think of it, are they even human?

The zombie apocalypse is nothing compared to this imminent disaster brewing in our stadiums and theme parks, our car lots and TV studios. The errant Mayan calendar and the creeping undead are merely a sideshow to the main act: sheer doom that dances merrily before our eyes. The mascots will rise. They will conquer. And they will be smiling.

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This article has 14 comments.

kmeep GOLD said...
on Feb. 6 2013 at 7:38 am
kmeep GOLD, Woodbury, New Jersey
17 articles 2 photos 62 comments

Favorite Quote:
If you can't laugh at yourself, laugh at other people.
-Tim Hawkins

I love this. It could be a movie :D

on Nov. 23 2012 at 11:12 am
L7SquariaN GOLD, Madison Heights, Virginia
15 articles 0 photos 32 comments

Favorite Quote:
Love, Life, Loyalty, and Living Long Like Legends. That's that L7.

Yes, yes, and another yes for good measure. 5/5

on Jun. 6 2012 at 4:48 pm
Kestrel PLATINUM, Warrenton, Virginia
29 articles 11 photos 189 comments

Favorite Quote:
-There are more things in heaven and earth than are dreamt of in your philosophy. (Shakespeare, Hamlet)

actually, from what ive seen (i have a lot of family in colorado-home to thousands of buffalo/bison) they use both terms interchangably, so both are correct. generally, when eating it, it's bison however, like steak=cow. 

on Apr. 13 2012 at 6:31 pm
Prometheus PLATINUM, East Aurora, New York
29 articles 0 photos 106 comments
Good Point.  Where do you live?

on Apr. 13 2012 at 5:52 pm
Imaginedangerous PLATINUM, Riverton, Utah
31 articles 0 photos 402 comments
I love the ominousness of the endin:. '...And they will be smiling.' Cue creepy music! :D

on Apr. 2 2012 at 8:42 pm
ScienceLover PLATINUM, Colden, New York
28 articles 1 photo 20 comments
I really enjoyed your article. I have one comment about the "buffalo". It's a "bison". I realize how insane this sounds but I live really close to you and I learned this when I made the same mistake.

Chrysaora GOLD said...
on Dec. 12 2011 at 11:45 am
Chrysaora GOLD, Providence Forge, Virginia
10 articles 2 photos 63 comments
The thought of Mickey Mouse punting any little kid down the street frightens me; although it would probably scare the little kid even more. This was very funny; write more!

on Dec. 9 2011 at 4:31 pm
UNserieswriter, New York
0 articles 0 photos 75 comments

Favorite Quote:
idk my bff jill

Youre certainly origianl! good work here. mickey is a scary guy when angry if youve ever played kingdom hearts

Lovejuice GOLD said...
on Dec. 6 2011 at 4:20 pm
Lovejuice GOLD,
19 articles 0 photos 55 comments

The thought of a horde of mascots charging down a street in and of itself had me laughing.

I haven't read a good, humorous article in a long while, so please, write more.

mbrown106 GOLD said...
on Nov. 30 2011 at 7:52 pm
mbrown106 GOLD, Warner Robins, Georgia
10 articles 2 photos 8 comments

Favorite Quote:
"The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return."

As someone who has been in the furry suit, I completely appreciate this!

on Nov. 28 2011 at 7:50 pm
Resonating_Words SILVER, Dallas, Texas
5 articles 10 photos 87 comments

XD This made me lol, I kid you not.


You know how some kids are scared of mascots, and cry when they come near? I know that they get some sort of satisfaction from that, you have to find it somewhere in that job.

Delightful idea.

on Nov. 24 2011 at 4:30 pm
sweetheart2598 SILVER, Atlatna, Georgia
5 articles 0 photos 20 comments

Favorite Quote:
Lord Yes

I love this it is so funny

on Nov. 22 2011 at 5:19 pm
Prometheus PLATINUM, East Aurora, New York
29 articles 0 photos 106 comments

I think you're taking this too seriously.  I did this for a laugh- it has only slight literary value.


on Nov. 22 2011 at 2:28 pm
Donahue8 BRONZE, Lansdale, Pennsylvania
4 articles 1 photo 86 comments

Favorite Quote:
"The only easy day was Yesterday" -U.S. Navy SEALs

Interesting idea, but the ideas need to flow a little more. It seems more like randome thoughts thrown together, but the concept is cool!