“He never loved you.” A common answer from an emotional mother who just hit a rough patch. In the United States, 1.5 million children have their parents divorce every year according to an article from Scientific American Mind known as “Is Divorce Bad for Children?” by Hal Arkowitz and Scott O. Lilienfeld on March 1, 2013. When asking my mother why she got a divorce from my dad, I got the previous answer. For a five-year-old child, it is heartbreaking to hear that her father didn’t love her enough to stay, and is something that takes time to recover from. There are many controversies about what happens to children of divorce. Some of which say that they are doomed to fail while others say that their ability to be happy is buried too far underground to ever retrieve. The lurking question states, “Is my happiness limited because I have divorced parents?” Some say yes, others say no. I say in some ways it could be affected, but in the end, children with always find a way back. I’m going to take a dive into the short term and long term effects, how our own relationships can be affected, and how we bounce back from this event happening in our lives.

Children going through divorce experience many short-term effects. The main effects of divorce are the ones that deal with feelings. One of the feelings that children going through their parent’s divorce may feel is that they are responsible for the divorce. They might also feel like they are at a loss and that could lead to violent outbursts. Feeling responsible is a big issue a lot of children suffer from after a divorce in their family. It’s been 10 years since my parents split and to this day at some moments, I still feel responsible. My brother and I will get into fights and he’ll say it was my fault they split up because he was only just born. When people are constantly reminded of a hardship that has happened to them, it takes a toll. Then, once they have heard it enough, they’ll start to believe it. When these kids are young they don’t really understand what’s going on, but when they grow up with the constant feeling of loss, they will begin to understand what happened. Being without a fatherly figure for most of the maturing years can have lots of side effects that last forever. As a daughter growing up without a father, I never got to experience the father-daughter dances that all of my friends got to do. I will never get to go on a father-daughter date or have him teach me how to shoot my first gun. I will never get to celebrate Father’s Day with him. According to an article published on June 16, 2016, by Denna Babul, RN and Karin Luise, Ph.D. entitled “How Women Who Grow Up Without A Father Are Different” says, women who grow up without a father miss out of on gaining a sense of security with him not being in the house to protect them. Also stated was that the women were reported to have not learned positive masculine behaviors, or the comfort of a male-female conversation. Another short-term effect they found was that the child became more violent and or aggressive with the present parent, friends, family members, and their teachers. As most children of divorce will only experience short-term effects of the divorce, some kids do suffer from the long-term effects as well.

Now, some children aren’t as fortunate and have to deal with some long terms effects too.  The first long-term effect is also a short-term effect that can continue to burden the child throughout their lives. Some children continue to have the feeling of abandonment in their lives.  If they grow up without a mother figure, it results in not being able to experience the feeling that a mother’s unconditional love would give them. The feeling that they will always have someone to talk to, goes away. They won’t have the special mother and child connection that other children would. Without having the mother figure in their lives they are forced to find one from other places, whether that be an aunt or a close friends mom. A daughter who grows up without her father lacks the male-female connection that would’ve been built if he were present in the child's life. A son who grows up without his father lacks the ability to know about himself or having father and son time with him. A son and daughter who grow up without a father have to look for that fatherly figure in their lives to fill the empty void in them. They often will look to their uncles or grandfathers for advice or do things that they would do with their father. Personally, my uncle will bring me to baseball games because my mom doesn’t usually understand what’s going on. He will also take me drifting, snowmobiling, and four-wheeling due to my mom not being super adventurous about those things. Next, a long-term effect is education loss. The child will start to not pay attention in school and fail to do homework assignments resulting in bad grades. If started at an early age it can affect their future schooling options. Colleges won’t accept them and they will be stuck. They can also develop depression as a result of the abandonment feeling and grades dropping. They will start to push away their friends and family members. Most will want to just cut out everyone from their lives so they don’t fear that they’ll mess something up. According to an article by Feldstein Family Law Group from 2014 called “Effects of Divorce on Children,” a huge effect can be on the child’s own future relationships.

To get some input on how children view their future lives and relationships, I decided to ask someone who fit the criteria. I asked my eight-year-old cousin about how she wants her future to look like, she said she wants to get married, have kids, and see her grandkids. Then I asked what she wants her marriage to look like. Her answer, “Just like my mommy and daddy’s.” When asking someone to describe a perfect marriage, they will commonly say identical to their parents. As a society, we use our parent’s marriage as a role model for our own. Now, if that person has divorced parents they won’t have someone to model off of. It could be based off fighting, no love, and little to no communication. Children of divorces future relationships to their marriage that will be based on the same aspects will be affected. Having divorced parents won’t allow the child to learn specific relationship skills to have a successful one. They see their parents yelling at each other and will associate it with their own romances later on. It could cause them to be more abusive or controlling to their significant other. As a column from Marripedia titled “Effects of Divorce On Children’s Future Relationships” published on May 26, 2017 states, “parental divorce often leads to low trust among children.” A child shouldn’t have to suffer emotionally and romantically because of something their parents decided to do. They will also see divorce as a way out of a trouble sign. Trouble signs could relate to yelling, disagreeing, fighting and then someone leaving. If that is what they are taught to act like when trouble arises in a future relationship then they will never be able to have a healthy and successful romance with someone. Children need positive role models around them to base their futures on, and if it’s only filled with negativity then the child too will be negative. We have to remember that even though divorce can have these effects on a child’s life, the child can always recover from it. Bouncing back from a hardship is a sign that they are strong and able to move on.

Although some children are affected forever, there is a bundle of kids who bounce right back from the rough patch. They’ll likely have a few short-term effects but once those have passed they’ll see that their parents getting a divorce was eventually a good thing. A positive outcome is, children will now have a more stable living environment with less fighting and yelling. Children of all ages shouldn’t have to constantly hear their parents arguing and screaming at each other for excessive amounts of time. It will also create a more nurturing environment for the children to continue to grow in. Getting out of that relationship the parents’ children will see that they are happier and having more success by ending the marriage. As parents are a role model for most children, when they see their mother or father’s happiness increasing their own will follow and lead them to become happier as well. Collaborative Practice Marin expresses in their article titled “The Positive Outcomes Of Divorce” from April 11, 2015, that, “By choosing to end an unhealthy relationship, children are taught an important life lesson: People change.” When getting out of a troubling relationship people teach their kids to cope with change, and that change can be for the better. Additionally, they will become more independent. Daughters and sons will learn that life doesn’t end with one tragedy. When a child sees their parent achieving greatness in their our they will see that they don’t need someone to help them succeed. In fact, seeing their parent’s independence growing will send a message to the child’s brain to follow in their footsteps. Personally, I never thought I would become happy again. I was eleven years old when my dad came to visit for the first time. Getting to know him more as a person and my new family was interesting. In my mind, I didn’t think he deserved to be happy again, but when they came to visit I saw that everyone deserves to be happy. Being surrounded by amazing friends helps people get through the pain and bounce back from this troubled period. The biggest thing I took out of this visit was that I learned that he still and always will love me, even if he is over one thousand miles away from me. Another lesson I learned is that parents choices don’t define who a person is or what they do. Who you are and what you do.

Growing up without a father has been hard. I have missed out on things that my other friends got to do with theirs. All in all, I wouldn’t change a thing. Having divorced parents shaped me into who I am today. It has made me stronger in ways that wouldn’t have happened if they stayed together. I am so thankful for this challenge in my life and realizing I can overcome it. Now, we have taken a look at the short and long-term effects of divorce, how the child’s future relationships can be affected, and how children have bounced back from the inconvenience. I will now repeat myself when I ask, “Is my happiness limited because I have divorced parents?” or “Are children with divorced parents limited in the amount of happiness they have?”. It’s all up to the eye of the beholder and someone’s own experiences. A couple positive things to remember throughout life. Someone’s past doesn’t define their future. Going through a hardship doesn’t mean that it is over. Anyone can be happy even if their parents weren’t.