I wrote a lot of thank you letters this year but, I seemed to be at a loss for words when I decided to write to you. I couldn’t figure out what to thank you for. I wanted to write something that sounded positive and that you would appreciate. I wanted to write something to help you and everyone else understand what you mean to me. Unfortunately, I couldn’t find kind words that I meant. It took me some time, but I figured it out. I was thanking you for things that you didn’t help me with because they were what you would want to hear. That’s something you taught me; always tell people what they want to hear, especially with Mom because, Mom always puts herself first, no matter what. Thank you, for teaching me exactly what I don’t want to be. Thank you for leaving me completely alone after everything this year because you couldn’t handle your own problems. Thank you for fighting fire with fire and making it impossible to feel at home in the only house I’ve ever known. You never failed to make everything ten times harder for me and I guess that made me who I am now, someone strong who can hold their head up and handle themselves.

You never failed to break me down and make me feel dumb and worthless when all I wanted was to be like you. I truly am sorry that I was so much of a burden on you; I didn’t know how hard it was to grow up with me. I guess I just hoped I could be worth more than a pack of pods or a dime bag. I am genuinely thankful I had you in my life; you prepared me for the hardest things I would have to prepare for in my life because, everything is tough with you.

You taught me it was fine to do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. I followed that for a while, and I grew from that. I learned that sometimes you have to be selfish when you’re looking at your own life. Then, I realized that’s what makes it so hard to appreciate you. You do what you want, when you want, without a single regard for how that might affect anyone else ever. You leave my life when you want and come back when you want without a care for my feelings. It is so hard to have someone who is only around when its beneficial to them. I guess you can’t understand that though.

I can never tell if you just don’t understand what you are doing. For example, how much you lie to everyone, I genuinely think you may just be oblivious to everyone else’s feelings. Or, if you do know, but you just don’t really care and you are too busy looking out for yourself. You make everything so hard yet you taught me everything I want to be and, everything I want to accomplish. Thank you. I’m lucky I got to grow up with a kid like you.