I am a video game addict.

Not just any type of video game addict, I am a competitive video game addict. And recently, more and more people are becoming like me.

When talking about video games, it’s almost impossible not to mention household names like Fortnite, League of Legends, Counter-Strike, whatever. They always get talked about, especially when tournaments with large amounts of prize money roll around. 

Growing up as an asian, I was always bred to be the best. Parents needle you, asking you “why can’t you be like John?” and “Jonas would never.” It’s the never ending cycle of saying “You’re not good enough.” 

And that’s why for me, Competitive games mean everything. I know that my parents couldn’t care a single penny about my rank and how well I do in a stupid 15 dollar game, but in a way, I can finally be good at something anything. I can be better than them, I am better than my friends, I can beat people at something. 

And for me, that’s what’s so scary. Competitive gaming brings out the worst in me. I’ve screamed and thrown things. I’ve torn my skin apart. I started shaking uncontrollably and my heart started to burn. 

I have no doubt that I’m in the minority here, that my circumstances and reactions are something that regular teens or video game players don’t have. But in a world where reddit posts complaining about the cheating problem in video games run rampant and people give death threats in games to people who had the nerve to ruin their gaming experience, when the gaming experience doesn't do anything for you in the real world except for clout, when you take a step back and understand the motives and the feelings of competitve gaming, it becomes a truly scary topic to think about.