Alright. It’s about time someone honestly addressed how it feels for one of your siblings to hate you. I have two brothers. One of them is older than me, and the other is younger. My older brother hates me for the sole reason that I am annoying and bratty. Sure, I’ve had my moments as every younger sister does. But our relationship has gotten so out of hand. We used to be close. When we were babies we took baths together and played Legos and watched Elmopalooza. When we were a little older (ten and twelve) he would teach me to play XBOX and PS3. We would play for hours, even after we should’ve been asleep. Even a couple months ago, he would sit down with me and confess his use of drugs and how horrible high school was. But recently, he has pulled away from me. He ignores me, pushes me around and didn’t even care when my mother announced to my family that I was on medications for depression and anxiety.

Here’s how it feels when your sibling hates you: you begin to feel so lost and not ready to grow up. You don’t want to grow up because you know that your sibling won’t be there with you to support you. And I don’t know about anyone else, but that feeling for me is unbearable. I have spent fifteen years looking up to my older brother and cherishing his company and wanting his approval. That has been all I’ve ever wanted. And when you know for certain that your sibling has changed in some way, it hurts you deeply. It physically hurts to lay back in bed and know that your sibling wouldn’t shed a tear if you got hit by a car. I would give anything to have my brother be proud of me and laugh when I tell jokes instead of ignore me and call my attempts at reaching out to him pathetic.

Disconnecting from a sibling is almost like losing them altogether. I’m sure siblings have experienced fights, but disconnecting is something completely different. Every sibling is bonded to the other in one way or the other. When that bond is theoretically broken, something snaps within you. It’s a little piece of you that makes you feel at home when you’re around them. All you want to do when you’re around them is throw baby photos in their face and old videos and say “Don’t you remember when we used to be best friends and do everything together? Don’t you remember when you looked out for me and cared about my safety? Don’t you remember when you felt that you could tell me secrets because you trusted that I wouldn’t tell? Don’t you remember when we were family?”

That’s what it feels like to lose a sibling. And trust me, it hurts more than I could ever express to you. Losing a sibling is like losing a little bit of yourself; and I pray no one ever has to experience it. But they will.