I am a homosexual teen.
Right now there are people out there that believe it’s “cool.” Maybe they are just trying to get attention. But, I know I am gay, homosexual, a lesbian, or whatever you want to call it.
Like going through the stages of death, you also go through stages of accepting homosexuality. As in death, you deny and isolate yourself. You deny your sexuality and claim to be straight. Hiding or isolating yourself from others, believing they may know. In this stage, I was scared and so self-conscious. I thought everyone who looked at me knew. I started avoiding people and became withdrawn. I hung out with my friends, but I wasn’t really there, just existing in denial.
Then the denial turns to anger; you lash out at others and even yourself. You are angry and believe you’re being wronged. I blamed God because He created all humans, and in the Bible it’s wrong, so why would He create a human with a sin for her life? I began cutting, trying to get the anger out. To bleed out the homosexuality! I became frustrated at my friends. They didn’t understand. They thought I wanted attention. Then someone told me that yes in the Bible it is wrong, but God also added that if anyone were to wrong or judge the homosexuals that they would be punished. I realized that God didn’t make a mistake, that I had some sort of purpose.
The anger does turn into bargaining. You start thinking that you like both, that you’re just in the middle, trying to hold on to what most people want, to what was taught growing up. I tried saying that I’m just Bisexual, but I still felt hallow; I didn’t feel right, didn’t feel like me. I decided I needed to figure it out.
Depression sinks in, and you start to wonder how or what to tell your parents or family and how your friends or family, more importantly, will react. You imagine it to be the worst knowing you’re tearing someone’s heart out. I didn’t tell my parents; they found out through my journal. My mom wanted to kill me or lock me up for the rest of my life. I knew my parents would be enraged. By this point, I was seeing a school psychiatrist. He helped me. I stopped cutting, and my parents and I settled on the fact I was just confused.
Finally there’s acceptance, where you know you are gay and you know that this is how you are and that you can’t change. So you agree with yourself and realize it’s okay. It is so nice knowing that you can finally be at peace with yourself, that you know who you are. I still don’t show it as best as I can. I want people to know, but at the same time I don’t. I do because then people will see me for who I am, but I don’t because people might just see me for what I am. People I trust at school do know, as does everyone I work with. My sexuality has cost me a job and many “friends,” but in the end, I’ve gained so much more than I’ve ever lost.
I am a proud homosexual teen.