“I am not my brother’s keeper”

Whoa. Those are big words from a guy who just murdered his brother. As tragic as the story of Cain and Abel is, my sister and I find a lot of joy in paraphrasing that quote to instead say, “I am not my sister’s keeper”. As twins we are constantly questioned about the other one’s whereabouts, personal thoughts and feelings. These conversations are the perfect times for us to unload our favorite saying. A typical response I get; you know after they question why I quote a murderer, is: “But she’s your twin” as if that will suddenly make our psychic connection snap back into place and I will now be able to read her mind. Now I’m not 100% sure how the human brain works, but I’m pretty positive that reminding me I have a sibling won’t give me a sixth sense. And that’s really all she is. A sibling, another branch on the family tree. 

I think it’s interesting that because I didn’t come into this world alone I have to put in an extra effort to be seen as an individual. As a twin I can never be looked at and just be seen as me. Instead I am seen as half of a whole, like a chunk of me is missing. The problem is that because I am always expected to know where my “other half” is at all times I have unconsciously catalogued just that. You want to know where she is G2? AB Calculus with Mrs. Heinl. What days does she work at Dunkin? Sunday, Monday, and Thursday. I know that my sister gets the same treatment, and that she has my schedule memorized just as thoroughly as I have hers. 

I remember in my youth, mainly elementary and middle school, I would make my decisions based on what my sister would do. I wanted to stay up late reading, but she was ready to go to bed so, lights out. I wasn’t sure if I wanted a second serving of pasta or not, well she’s already full so better to just put the fork down. When I realized that I was unconsciously doing this I tried to stop myself. This isn’t a big issue when it’s something as simple as two bagels or one, but the bigger decisions, I found, are harder to make on my own. I’m the type of person who needs to talk my options to death before I can finally pick one. So, now that I decided I need to make decisions without my sister's opinion clouding mine, I lost my person to talk to. But who am I supposed to talk to who would understand exactly what my concerns were if not the person I spent the most time with? The only possible solution is to still talk to her, but try my best to not let what she wants overshadow my own judgement; sometimes it is still difficult to tell if we just have the same opinion or if mine has now changed because of her or if she just made a good point against my choice. Unfortunately, that is still my decision to make. 

All kids dream about what they are going to be when they grow up and as time goes on those dreams change. In first grade I wanted to own a fashion empire with my friend Mia. From third to fifth grade I wanted to own a bakery, until I realized I don’t even have a passion for baking, it’s my sister who does. The more I turned over the idea the more I figured out that I was never interested in the bakery; I liked the idea of owning a business and being my own boss. But mostly I felt safe knowing that no matter what I would always have my partner in crime; someone there to drive the getaway car. 

I spent the rest of my years floating from idea to idea never settling for any of them. Now, as seniors in high school my sister and I, just like the rest of our grade, are beginning to plan our after high school lives. We have gone through every step of our lives together, but this one’s a little different. While my sister plans on taking the traditional college route, I have decided to walk the path less traveled and do other things with my life. After I graduate from high school, which is getting scarily closer, I plan on going to cosmetology school to get my cosmetology license. Which is something I only started even considering because of my French teacher, ironically my sister took Italian.  

But the big dream, the one all lit up with rainbow disco lights, is to own a bar, all on my own. That’s the terrifying bit, the being on my own. Not having a partner in crime, high speed chase, party of one. Just me, just my half. The idea that not following my sister down the safe road is the wrong choice is something that has already started gnawing at my brain, even though I haven’t taken the first steps yet. I know the “what if” will always be there and that it is a doubt that I will have to try and bury underneath false confidence and my stunning personality. I think really the best way to get rid of this fear is to remember that even though we are going in separate directions and as of next year I may no longer know what classes she has or what day of the week she’s free, doesn’t mean I am leaving her behind in the dust but that we are living our own lives. Individually but still together.