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Death's Assistants
Summary:
What would happen if you could kill but just snapping your fingers? Desirae, Griffin, and Landon are about to find out. After they are kidnapped by the Soveriegn, a mysterious evil group and injected with their latest prototype, becoming the Soveriegns personal guinea pigs and assasins. Now they must choose between life or death for themselves, their families, and the world.
KATastrophe
Death's Assistants
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This book has 20 comments.
Thanks! Everything is really helpful except for where you talk about the mental hopsital white.
You know, like mental hopsital. . . pysch ward, etc.
Hi! I love these kinds of stories. :) I love your writing style, and the way you wrote your story.
Lemme tell you, the details were just awesome. A little too awesome, hmm? Yep! I felt like the descriptions definitely overpowered the beautiful story you had in mind. Yes, that's the same mistake I do.
Also, I noticed a pattern in your writing. After the word "said", you add a description.
For example, you wrote, "I said, her eyes telling me she already knew the answer." I hope you understand what I mean. Y'know, you write a description after the word, "said." It makes the writing a little too . . . well, it makes it seem as if you're trying too hard.
Your descriptions overpowered the story, like I said before. I felt lost and confused sometimes. It took me a moment to catch up.
Another thing: after Desirae faints in the first chapter, you wrote, "I was in an unconscious downfall." I feel you could've left that out.
What else? Hmm . . . oh, yeah! Your use of words was beautiful, but at times, they didn't make sense. For example, you wrote, ". . . the walls were a mental hospital white."
Hospitals aren't exactly mental. I'm sure you didn't mean to say that, though!
Overall, it was great! I loved it so much! I want to read more. Just be more "free" with your writing style. Again, this is another mistake I tend to make. :)
Please don't feel disheartened. I loved it! Plus, this story seems to be a big hit. Keep writing! :D
Awesome new chapter, I'm looking forward to more. How many different protagonists are going to get the first person treatment?
The only complaint I really have is that the word dark is used to frequently as an adjective, or at least too close to itself in succession. Other than that though, it's a sweet novel.
Wow!! Great character development. I feel like I already know your characters!! You have an amazing talent with description and character development, keep up the good work!!
~Artemis
P.S. Is Liam her older brother?
This was really great! I'm glad I found it! The detail in the whole piece, especially when she's getting attacked, makes it very vivid and enjoyable. & I think that the guy's contrasting looks to what he does to her seems kind of fitting & unpredictable. Why does the guy have to look mean to be mean?
Anyway, great job & I'm really looking forward to the rest of it (especially with the Sovereign, since I know a bit about them now)! (:
I'm really looking forward to the rest of the science fiction elements to come out in the later chapters--let me know when you update it!
The details and the flow of the first chapter really fit very nicely, it definitely has the "introductory" aspects to it.
i like it...my only problem is that u switch back and forth from present to past tense! also I agree with arsenictruffle! when I read '...His contrasting chocolate brown eyes...' I thought...idk what I thought...but not that he would hurt her...when i think of chocolate I think loving, and kind! you should definately choose different adjectives! I like it though! Keep writing! :)
~Emmaline~
Very nice. You're developing your characters quite well with very few words. I love the building suspense and the detail in which you describe the diner.
Minor critiques: "Big Bertha" is a little cliche. I know you're only at the beginning of this but I would consider another name. Also, (again very minor) when you describe the attacker, he has "chocolate brown eyes" and "peach lips." Chocolate and peaches convey a feeling of warmth that I am not sure you are trying to achieve in the description of this cold character. Consider different adjectives?
I want to read more! I hope you continue with this project, it has peaked my interest!
-Bekah
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