Redemption | Teen Ink

Redemption

November 15, 2011
By emmy1578 BRONZE, Kingsport, Tennessee
emmy1578 BRONZE, Kingsport, Tennessee
1 article 0 photos 12 comments

Favorite Quote:
"There's nothing to writing. You just sit at a typewriter and bleed."


Summary:

Clarissa has it all. The looks, smarts, friends, money, humor, family, everything. Never once having to lift a finger for herself, this beauty is living the life we all dream about. At least until a tragedy occurs, and it's all her fault. Now, on a drastic downward spiral from heaven to hell, Clarissa flees ind desperation to hopefully clear her mind and get things right again. Of course she only finds herself more lost and broken than before. Alone, broken, desperate and hopeless, she finds herself even more baffled by the charming Garret and his cozy beach home shared with Ann, his adoptive grandmother. No one to trust, no where to go, Clarissa is forced to stop running and face her worst fear...the truth.


Emily M.

Redemption


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JOIN THE DISCUSSION

This book has 21 comments.


on Jan. 17 2012 at 8:39 pm
emmy1578 BRONZE, Kingsport, Tennessee
1 article 0 photos 12 comments

Favorite Quote:
"There's nothing to writing. You just sit at a typewriter and bleed."

thank you for your honesty and criticism. this is the first book i have ever written and completed and i know it needs a lot of work. I will definitely look over the tings you pointed out to me and review it more closely. what you said all makes sense. especially about the mugging part being unbelievable. It could use a lot of work to become more realistic. thank for the compliments on my ability to stir emotion in the readers and such though.

on Jan. 9 2012 at 5:18 pm
emmy1578 BRONZE, Kingsport, Tennessee
1 article 0 photos 12 comments

Favorite Quote:
"There's nothing to writing. You just sit at a typewriter and bleed."

No offense taken :) and thank you so much!!

Hotel_Romeo said...
on Jan. 8 2012 at 5:44 pm
I was just informing you not to offend you at all, this is AMAZING! I read it in four hours

on Jan. 8 2012 at 5:05 pm
emmy1578 BRONZE, Kingsport, Tennessee
1 article 0 photos 12 comments

Favorite Quote:
"There's nothing to writing. You just sit at a typewriter and bleed."

Sadly i made that stupid mistake and im working on re-writing it right now haha but thanks!

Hotel_Romeo said...
on Jan. 7 2012 at 11:45 am
I'm in chapter two, great thus far, but one question--didn't clarissa drive her bug to school? Why would she be riding the school bus home? Maybe I misread somewhere

on Dec. 5 2011 at 4:06 pm
emmy1578 BRONZE, Kingsport, Tennessee
1 article 0 photos 12 comments

Favorite Quote:
"There's nothing to writing. You just sit at a typewriter and bleed."

Working on the publishing part. Any suggestions or ideas? harder to find a publisher/and editor than i thought itd be.

on Nov. 30 2011 at 7:10 pm
I love your book Emmy and i'm so proud of my sissy! of course you know i cried lol. i'll help you with anything you need to get it published(: the name reminds me of redemption island lol. but that comes from a family of survivor lovers lol

on Nov. 29 2011 at 12:43 am
emmy1578 BRONZE, Kingsport, Tennessee
1 article 0 photos 12 comments

Favorite Quote:
"There's nothing to writing. You just sit at a typewriter and bleed."

lol id love to look at ur work! And to be honest, i simply wrote a story that id like to read lol ya know? I think thats the key to it all. Dont write what youd think people would like, write what YOU would like to hear. maybe that just me lol but thank you again (:

on Nov. 28 2011 at 7:20 pm
Mermaidmissy SILVER, Las Vegas, Nevada
8 articles 0 photos 136 comments
OK your story is like way better than mine is, and totally follow on what everybody else is saying you should really get your story published and soon. Can you look at some of my poems and book please thank you. :)

glory said...
on Nov. 27 2011 at 2:52 pm

PUBLISH IT!!! Characters have depth and subplots make it a very interesting read. 

 

 


Kolohe said...
on Nov. 25 2011 at 12:16 am

In the interest of complete honesty and edification, I will not sugarcoat my feelings. This in no way reflects my feelings about you as a person or a writer, simply my comments on this particular piece.

I will say I appreciate your good spelling and competent use of grammar. That shows that you are actually taking time with your writing, unlike other sloppy writing that pops up.

Now for the constructive criticism…

On a structure note, there are many small typos throughout that should be addressed. A thorough and slow re-reading would easily correct most of these errors.

There could be more character development. The story begins with a very generic description of those who will play the main roles in our minds. An in depth development beyond surface things (perfect mother, bratty sister, loving father) would flesh the story out and help the reader connect more with it.

For your major/minor characters, I would suggest this helpful test. http://www.springhole.net/writing/marysue.htm

It’s a good (but not foolproof) indicator of whether or not your character is overly perfect, or sometimes disgustingly so. Your main character’s friends are all… well, perfect. While this may seem good sometimes in theory, in the context of quality literature it becomes a flaw. Having her inserted in a group of friends that are all perfect in every way implies that she is as well, at least in the superficial qualities listed (looks, grades). Her house, her life, her family at the beginning are all rather… perfect. I realize that’s part of the intention of the story, but combined with the “reaching lowest of lows”… it makes it a little less believable.

In regards to style, your writing sometimes seems overly wordy or redundant. For example, “she must always look exquisite every day. And every day, Amelia always looked stunning.”

Always, every day, every day, always.

Exquisite, stunning.

Different ways of saying the same thing are great when scattered throughout a piece, but when they are so close together, it becomes redundant.

You did a great job conveying emotion in chapter 3. That’s a very stirring, sickening moment and you did a good job of portraying it in an emotional but not graphic way. At the same time, the moment seems short and hurried. The bulk of the chapter is spent on the aftermath, when it seems it could be better spent on the intensity and emotion of the moment leading up to her death. From personal experience, I know that watching the death of someone you love is not a hurried instant. The moments seem to last forever, everything seems amplified and senses are going into overdrive. Sights, sounds, smells, they all take precedence over all else. The aftermath would be a blur, after the adrenaline crash and inevitable grief and depression sets in.

The rest of the story is similar. The mugging scene seems a bit unbelievable, especially the fact that three men would run away from an older woman and a teenage boy. Taking her in like a stray animal and not contacting anyone seems similarly unbelievable.

Another positive note, you are very good at description. It brings vivid imagery to mind that makes the story more realistic. If you can, try to work on developing that natural skill more so that it doesn’t come across as wordiness but as clear, concise description.

With some revision and fleshing out, I think this could be a great story.


on Nov. 24 2011 at 1:51 pm
brynnbrynn BRONZE, Two Rivers, Wisconsin
3 articles 0 photos 5 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder"

this was the best story ive ever read, it made me cry in multiple parts, you should lengthen it because i sooooooooooo badly want 2 know more!!!! i agree with spring in the air, PUBLISH IT :)

on Nov. 24 2011 at 10:44 am
emmy1578 BRONZE, Kingsport, Tennessee
1 article 0 photos 12 comments

Favorite Quote:
"There's nothing to writing. You just sit at a typewriter and bleed."

thanks! and im trying to do that right now haha but finding a publisher is a lot harder than i expected it to be!

on Nov. 23 2011 at 11:50 pm

that was the most amazing book i EVER read! you should get it published as a short story

 


Brooki said...
on Nov. 23 2011 at 10:22 pm
2 words for you.... Holy crap. You are an amazing writer and need to think about publishing someday. You should also make this story longer because its so amazing and i wanna know more!!!

on Nov. 23 2011 at 9:55 am
I love ittttttt!(: I didn't know you had all this in you(: i so proudddddd!!!!<3

on Nov. 23 2011 at 8:01 am
emmy1578 BRONZE, Kingsport, Tennessee
1 article 0 photos 12 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;There&#039;s nothing to writing. You just sit at a typewriter and bleed.&quot;

By the way, It was pointed out to me that Clarissa drives to school then rides the bus home in the beginning so I am currently fixing that right now.

on Nov. 21 2011 at 10:52 pm
emmy1578 BRONZE, Kingsport, Tennessee
1 article 0 photos 12 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;There&#039;s nothing to writing. You just sit at a typewriter and bleed.&quot;

thanks corrin!:)

on Nov. 21 2011 at 10:28 pm
Really Good book Emily!Your an amazing writer!(: -corrin(:

on Nov. 21 2011 at 8:47 pm
emmy1578 BRONZE, Kingsport, Tennessee
1 article 0 photos 12 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;There&#039;s nothing to writing. You just sit at a typewriter and bleed.&quot;

lol omg im so glad u like it! and ive actually gotten a lot of good feed back on this book so i might think about extending it a little. glad u like it:)