Thanks so much for reading the whole thing! I know that must have taken a while!

Yeah, I've noticed everyone is saying it was rushed.  See, when I first submitted this to Teenkink, it was a short story, but they said I either had to make it longer or shorter.  I couldn't really find a way to condense it, so I expanded it.  Maybe I shouldn't have done that...

Thanks again though!  What work of yours do you want me to check out?  I owe you!

Hi Natasha :) yes i read all 8 chapters of your novel. i liked your choice of names very much and this story really shares the message you're trying to spread-----but it might be too short to be a novel. It WOULD make a GREAT short story though (and those are just as good as novels!!) Also the pace of this story was too fast for me, i barely recognized time passing by. You should do something about that. In the books i read, the words go like this

(scene in the afternoon)

****** ----this symbol thingie shows that time passed by into the next scene. It prevents confusion, also marking the end of a scene. Just some advice you dont have to take if you dont want to.

so it'd go like this.....

(afternoon scene)

****

(another scene in the same day, this one hours later from the last scene you just read)

Umm........did i word that the right way?

The chapters became increasingly shorter, and the dialogue could use some more details. There's a lot of "replied" and "said" in there, and like AddictedtoWriting said it would be easy to go back and make some word choice changes and fix up some of the grammar.

But as far as the content goes, I liked it. It wasn't overly complex, but it didn't need to be.  You knew what story you wanted to tell, and you did it.

Please check out my novel SuperNOVA on the front page of the novels section and leave your thoughts on it. Thanks :)

Hmmm...this was a little rushed.  I had a hard time keeping track of who was saying what and when.

I also found the switch to detention far too jumpy.  If nothing else, you NEED to have a scene break.

Brandy's slip about her mom was also a little too...easy.  If she truly had issues, she would not be slipping that easily.

Um...that's about it.  Reguardless of all the critiques this comment is full of, I like your writing style.  Good job!