Emily
It stared at me, mocking me. I hated it. I hated myself. Then I see it. It’s only four words, but they’re the worst four words of my life. Even worse than the big red F next to them. 

See me after class!

I know some people do this. But not me, never me. I’m the smart one. It’s never been me, the brain of my siblings. Ian is the strength, the brawn. Elise is the beauty. That’s how it is. That’s how it always will be. Forever. It has to be. If I’m not the smart one then who am I? 

Ian
I had missed the basket. Again. 

“Come on Ian, ya need someone to hold your hand while you do it?” The team laughed. Marcus, my best friend, shot me a concerned glance. All I could do was shake my head. This had been happening all practice. Last practice too. If I had to take a guess I would say it was because I was distracted. Sports are boring. Recently I’ve been more focused on college. I want to do something that would let me explore the world or maybe make things. I want to be a professor or an engineer. Maybe an engineering professor. Or history, that would be fun. There’s a lot of options.  Not that anyone would let me do that kind of thing. I'm gonna be pushed into playing basketball and becoming an athlete, because being smart “isn’t me” or 

“you’re not like this.” and 

I need to “stop acting like a nerd.” 

All Marcus’s biting words yesterday. I had tried to tell him that maybe it was time I did something else, because I assumed he of all people would be supportive. I was wrong. He’s still mad at me. I hope he doesn’t tell anyone. I’d be finished if he did. I can always pretend I was just doubting my basketball skills. Or maybe I can just switch to football. 

Elise 
I pretend to laugh at some catty comment Selena made. It used to be hard pretending to be this shallow, but at this point it came as natural as breathing. I pull my science notebook out of my locker and shut it with a slam. Not that they noticed. For some reason my ‘friends’ were getting on my nerves more than normal. They seemed even more shallow than normal today. Why would they? It didn’t matter to them, so why should they care? I’m only in this clique because I’m pretty, one of the prettiest in school in fact. I've won the Miss Teen Illinois crown once, came second in the Miss Teen America pageant (damn that Miss Alaska); and was going to try again for the crown next year. The only thing threatening my perfect reputation was Wilder. Wilder has been a thorn in my side for the past month, and I don't exactly have to hide my annoyance from the rest of the school seeing as Wilder isn’t really that popular. Her love for all things survival and nature guaranteed her the “Weird Girl” title for the rest of high school. Not that I cared, it was just frustrating to have to deal with. The worst part was that Wilder is a girl, and so am I. I want to ask my siblings to help me deal with it if it weren't for the blatant homophobia that filled the town. I was hoping that this crush would go away on its own. That isn’t happening. Maybe it would just take some time.

Emily
Of course the movie we’re watching tonight is one we’ve seen so many times I could recite it from memory. Every Tuesday my sibling and I watch a movie together. Keeps us close I guess. Usually we watch something that’s just come out. The only time we don’t do that is every third Tuesday, when we watch a movie starring whatever actor we picked at the start of the year. This year we picked Reese Witherspoon, meaning Legally Blonde is a must. Which would be great everyday except today. Today I really need to get wrapped up in a new plot.

 
It only took me 10 minutes for my mind to wander off.

“Emily, we need to talk,” Benjamin, one of my best friends, said. Benjamin was a chess master and president of the Student Help Society, or the SHS. The SHS was a large group of students from 6th grade to college seniors. They have expertise on anything from basic addition to witchcraft (some people want lessons, we chose not to question it). Everyone loves the society, and they count as volunteer hours, so we have all the mentors we could need. 

“Sure, what do you need to talk about?” 

“Um, well, you failed a math test recently and that made your GPA drop to 2.8. Which means-.” Emma, my other best friend and resident revolutionary war expert, started. 

“I can’t be a mentor anymore, I know.” I finished. “I’ll start looking for a replacement.” The problem with me losing my place as a mentor? I was head of the math department. 

“Actually, um, Kitty Docs is going to cover for you until you can come back.” Of course Ben already has a replacement lined up, he can’t stand uncertainty, but does it have to be Kitty? She’s so… over-zealous. I must have made a face right then because Emma quickly interjected by saying “it’s just until you can hold a high enough GPA!” 

I’ve held a GPA of 4.0 since 6th grade! Do you really think I can’t get it back?! It’s probably just a fluke on the teacher's part! I’ll ask him next class!” 

It wasn’t. I know that now, I knew it then too, I just didn’t want to admit it. What if I never get my GPA back up? What if I fail the class? What if I fail the year? That would be a sight wouldn’t it? Me, Emily Marty, stuck in 9th grade again!

“Hey! Em! Emily! Ian sounded concerned. Elise was staring at me. 

“Yeah?” I snapped, I don’t think I’ve ever snapped at my family. It’s not my fault, I just didn’t want to talk to people. 

“You good? You, like, never snap.” Even Elise was concerned, and she took pride in appearing apathetic. 

“You looked like you were going to cry.” Ian, observant as ever, remarked. 

“I’m fine, just keep watching the movie.” 

“Mmm, fine, but tell us if you need to talk, ok?”

“I will.” I won’t. 

Ian
Elle is so happy, so herself. I wish I could admit I wasn’t as into sports as I used to be. They just don’t seem like a good career path. I want to do something that makes a difference in someone’s life. That’s why I want to be a professor. I would get to teach the people who will change the world. Unfortunately, I would also have to take whatever sports scholarship offered me the most money. We’re not poor, but we’re not rich enough to afford that much college either. Then I get to move as far away as possible and never see any of these people again, except maybe my sisters. I would build a new, sports-free life. I wonder what my sisters will think of this plan. Are they going to support me? I doubt it, that just isn’t how our relationship works. It’s founded on the fact that we were the perfect trio. I was the strength, Elise was the charisma, and Emily was the intelligence. If I became a professor, it would mess with the balance. Maybe I could tell them after I applied for college, it wouldn’t matter then. I would be leaving, we would already be divided. Yeah, that’ll work. I’ll tell them then. 

Elise  
Ian clicked play and “Perfect Day’ started to play on the T.V. I was going to try and focus on the movie, but Elle reminds me so much of Wilder, not literally of course. But they have the same spirit. They both wanted to do what society said no to. And they both got really good at it just to spite them. They also kind of had the same hair. Of course, Wilder always had it in a ponytail to get it out of her way. And she rarely bothered to spend as much time doing it. Rarely being anytime except when someone, probably her mother, forced her. The few times I see them together Wilder’s mother always seems to be trying to force her to be less tom-boyish. The best example of this is sophomore homecoming, when she had it tightly curled so that it bounced as she walked. 

Just as Wilder had begun dragging her feet towards the school, her mother had rolled down the car window and called her back. “ Please try and enjoy yourself, dear. This will be good for you.” 

“Good for me, how? So you can enforce your stupid idea of perfection on me?” Her words were so knit with venom it wouldn’t have been a surprise if she’d started wearing them as a sweater. 

“Look, love, I need to try, ok? Please?”

“Maybe.”

Wilder’s Mom made a face. “Oh, Wilder, dear, one more thing.”

“What?” I could tell she was getting impatient now. 

“Please reconsider participating in that disgusting excuse for entertainment.” She was referring to Lonesome. The wilderness survival show that Wilder won a million dollars in that year; she was going back for an all-stars season this summer.  I’ve seen every episode of her season at least three times. 

“ No, I don’t think I will.” And with that she stormed off.  

She was very pretty that night. So pretty my friends had to ask me why I was staring at her several times. One of them had even jokingly asked if I had a crush on Wilder. Not that I would have been honest even if lesbianism was acceptable here. No matter what it always seemed like something was keeping it from happening. First there was the social thing. I was one of the most popular kids in school. Wilder was… not. Then there was the homophobia that gripped the town like a python with its dinner. And lastly, we're just too different to ever get along. I’m a pageant girl. Wilder was the best wilderness survivalist in the state, and she hated everything pageants are about. It was safe to say we would never get along. That wouldn’t stop me from dreaming though. 

I sighed.

“You good?” Ian glanced at me.

“Yeah, just remembered I have an essay that I haven’t started due tomorrow.” 

Emily

Deep breath in, deep breath out. 5 things I can see. The bathroom tiles, my hands in my lap, my hair, the trash can in the corner, the extra roll of toilet paper on the shelf above the toilet. 4 things I can feel. The wood cabinet against my back, the tiles under my feet. This isn’t working. Deep breaths, deep breaths. Oh, god. Why isn’t this working? It’s supposed to. It always does. Why isn’t this working? Please, oh god please. Why am I being so loud? I need to stop sobbing. Maybe it would be for the best if they heard me. No. It wouldn’t. Never. I would have to explain why I'm crying. I would have to explain the bandages on my arms. I’ll keep this a secret until I’m not failing. Then, I’ll wait 20 years until I can laugh about it. If I live that long. I might not even make it another month. 4 things I can feel. The wood cabinet, the cold tiles, the itchy bandages, the soft fabric of the sweatshirt. 3 things I can hear. My sobbing, cars driving by, and Mom listening to music. 2 things I can smell. The air freshener in the bathroom, buttery popcorn. Damn it! It’s movie night. One more thing. Something I can taste, the blood on my tongue from biting the inside of my cheek so hard. Ok, I’m calm now, one more minute to stop shaking so much then I get up. Leaning slightly against the sink to keep myself up, I’m shaking so hard I can barely stand, I pull up the sleeves of my oversized hoodie. I need to change my bandages. I hiss as the dried blood keeping them closed is pulled away. Cleaning the cuts hurts even more. It’s ok though. I deserve it. I deserve all the pain I feel because I’m a failure. And I always will be. After rewrapping my arms in clean bandages, I clean up any blood in the bathroom and walk into the living room.

“Hey Em, where were you? We were worried.” Not that worried, they didn't  try to find me. Why would they though? I’m worthless. I bet they’re just pretending to be worried. They hate me. I know they do. 

“I had homework.” An easy, believable lie. One that’s probably been used more times than anyone could count. Now I’ve added to the number. 

“You never have homework.” Ian needs to stop being so observant. 

“Extra credit project.” 

“Fine. but don’t become a stranger. You’ve been really busy lately.” If only you knew. 

Ian
This movie is so boring. Who watches movies that are this serious? Don’t they get bored? There’s nothing fun about it. That’s kinda how I used to imagine dungeons and dragons to be. But I watched some of the kids at school play and no one seems to take anything seriously. I heard one of them talking about a sword that inflicts emotional wounds instead of physical ones once. Someone else mentioned a hat that can make hybrid hats if left alone with another hat. There’s no way they can do that with a straight face. I actually asked one of them about it in the bathroom. 

“Hey, so… I heard you play Dungeons & Dragons?”

“Yeah! Why? Are you looking for a party to play with?” 

“Kinda, I’ve never played before. I was hoping to start.”

“I’m sure the rest of the party would love to play with you, we need a new barbarian! The last one moved to Norway.”

“Uhh, sure. Just, would you mind not telling anyone?” His face fell, then rose again in anger. 

“Why? Do you not want any of your big-shot sports friends to find out?” He sounded hurt. 

“Yeah, I guess. Sorry, I know that sounds bad. But they would probably find some way to kick me from the team if they knew.”

“No, I get it. You’re too good to be seen with scum like us. We didn’t need a barbarian that much anyway.” And with that, he walked out. 

Maybe someone else would have the courage to just get up and quit, but not me. I rely too much on fitting in to ever be happy without it.

 Elise gets up to get more popcorn and I’m snapped out of my thoughts. Neither of my siblings seemed to have noticed my loss of attention. I lean back on the couch. Maybe I’ll try to get invested in this movie to help take my mind off the situation I’ve gotten myself into.

Elise

Ok. Maybe this will take my mind off of what happened today. I can get invested in the plot. 

Or not, I’m not that lucky. What if she was annoyed by me? What if she hates me? Would she do that? Why did I have to bump into her? I should have been looking at where I was going. Everyone stared. Why did I help her up? I should have faked apathy and left. Selena will hear about this. Then I’ll have to answer her questions. What if she gets suspicious? No, she can’t. That’d be ridiculous. Wilder did blush when I offered her my hand. Maybe she likes me back? No, she was just embarrassed. Her hands were so rough. I wonder why. Am I overthinking this? All that happened was I bumped into her because I was in a rush and not paying attention. Then I helped her back up and she helped me get all the papers that had fallen out of my notebook. Except she blushed. And I stuttered. And she blushed more. Maybe she does like me. No, that’s impossible. 

Emily

Make the loop, wrap it around one, two, three, four, five, six, seven times. Through the top, and pull. I guess girl scouts was useful after all, thanks Mom. The ghost of a smile passes over my lips. The Notes go under the chair. One foot up. On the chair. Other foot. The rope around my neck. One quick glance at the bed poster to make sure it’ll hold. Down to the chair. 

This’ll work. 

Goodbye, Mom. Goodbye, Dad. Goodbye, Ian. Goodbye, Elise. Goodbye, Benjamin. Goodbye, Emma. Goodbye, world. 

One foot hanging. 

Pull it back. 

And kick. The chair clatters to the ground. 

“Don’t be sad, I’m fine. I’ll be fine.” 

End

Ian

Ian, 

This note is yours and yours alone, you may show it to Elise, but no one else. Not a therapist, phycologist and definitely not our parents. Ok?  Now that that’s out of the way; 

I know you’ve been getting bored with sports. You’re not very good at hiding things. I don’t know what else you want to do, but I want you to do it. Do whatever makes you happy. Even if you don’t think others will like it. It’ll take courage but I know you have it.

I love you, 

Emily. 

That was her favorite pen. She liked it because the ink was her favorite color. What were her last words? When did she say them? Were they when she said good night to us? Did she talk to a friend after that? Oh god, this is awful, seeing her hanging there. She’s just a few inches above the ground. What if her rope had been that much longer? Would she have shortened it and tried again? Would she have stopped? What if we had found her a few minutes earlier? The coroner said she had only died a few minutes before Mom found her. I don’t think I’ll ever forget the sound of her scream. It was loud, and shrill, and it woke me up. Mom fainted after that. We waited until we had called 911 to wake her up. Dad had taken Emily’s pulse. Not that there was one to take. The police and the coroner arrived a few minutes later. They were still discussing whether or not to have an autopsy done. 

Elise
Dear Elise, This note is yours and yours alone, you may show it to Ian, but no one else. Not a therapist, a psychologist and not our parents. Ok?  Now that that’s out of the way; 

What are you doing? Where are you? Are you in my room? Are you crying? That’s ok. For a while at least. In a week I want you to stop crying, just stop. And I want you to do whatever makes you happy. Be with whoever makes you happy. I know your friends don’t. Keep doing pageants if that makes you happy. Maybe try design, make yourself a skirt or something. Just stop limiting yourself to being pretty. 

I love you. 

Emily. 

This couldn’t be happening. It was just a dream. A really bad dream. I would wake up soon and it would all be over. No more hanging body. No more coroner. No more discussion of an autopsy. 

“We’ve decided that the cause of death is too obvious, there is no need for an autopsy.” The police and the coroner have finally come to a decision, which they announce loudly for everyone to hear. My mother sobs loudly. 

“Ok, what will we do with the body then?” My father was always the practical one. 

“It can be cut down and buried.” The coroner pulls out a small saw and begins to cut the rope. Once that is done, Emily is placed in my father’s arms. I reach out and touch her. She’s still warm. This is cruel. Too cruel. It has to be a dream. Please let this be a dream. 

No one
Dear Mom and Dad, 

I’m sorry. I know you’ll miss me. Try not to. I’m not worth it. It was time for me to go, not everyone can live to grow old. Some of us have to die early, that way the ones that will do great things can do them without useless people getting in their way. Bury me in the cemetery with Grandma. Elsie and Ian won’t show you their notes, I’ve asked them not to. What I write to each of them is private, meant only for them to read. Ok? 

I love you. 

Emily. 

Ian
The funeral was short. It was just me, Mom, Dad, Elise, Benjamin, and Emma. She was buried in a plot next to grandma like she asked for. I’m not surprised, Grandma was always her favorite, maybe if she was older she would have asked to be buried next to someone else. Or no one, she could have asked to be buried next to a stranger even. But grandma wasn't surprising. Grandma never remarried after she divorced from grandpa so there was no one to bury next to her. It was for the best, really. 

Elise
The next few days are numb. I got through them though. I don’t remember what happened, who I talked to, or what I did. When word got out that she’d died everyone came to apologize. Said they were sorry, that she was wonderful. They’ll miss her. They’re not sorry though, they didn’t know her and they don’t miss her. They never will, in a week they’ll all move on to something new and never think about her again. But I’ll remember, Ian will remember, Mom and Dad will remember and we’ll think about her every day. At least I will. I wish she was here everyday. She always said she was fine, but how could I not see it? The hoodies, the tiredness, the hiding, but no matter how hard I cry she’s not coming back. There’s nothing I can do except make her dying wish come true. 

Ian

God, she really did this didn’t she? She’s gone, and I’ll never see her again. She’s in a better place. She has to be. It’s not like anything could get much worse than what life must have been like here. How could I let this happen? She said she was fine. She promised. She lied. She knew she couldn’t keep that promise, there was no way she could keep it because she was never fine. I should make sure Elise is ok. I need to make sure she’s happy. What if she’s lying too? Would she? What if she’s dead right now? Slowly choking to death like Emily? I’ve got to check.

Elise
Ok, today is the day. You’ll do what makes you happy. For Emily. 

“Elise? You look like you’re about to cry. Are you sad about your sister?” Selena is great at faking empathy. 

“I was thinking she looked more determined than sad.” Carter said.

“I’m fine, I- I just need to talk to someone.” I get up, glancing back at them with a sad smile. So much for popularity.

Just walking to her table seems to take forever. I can feel everyone staring at me. 

“Um, Hi.” I begin to play with the end of my hair. 

“Hi.”

“So, um, I’ve-kinda-had-a-crush-on-you-for-a-long-time-and-was-hoping-you-would-go-out-with-me.” My words come out quick and jumbled. I doubt she understood anything I said. 

“Um…”

“Sorry this was really stupid, nevermind.” I turn around and start speed walking to the bathroom. 

“Wait!” I freeze, not turning around. “Yes, I do want to go out with you. I was just surprised you knew I existed.” 

“Ok.” I turn around. I’m too surprised to say anything else. 

“I can pick you up tonight?”

“Um…yeah.”

“Great. Don’t dress up, or anything, jeans and a t-shirt will be fine.  

“Alright.” And with that I turn around and leave, which is probably rude, but I hate all these people staring at me, 

______________________________________________________________________

She took me stargazing in the woods that night. It was beautiful. There wasn’t any light pollution, so we could see every star in the sky. Wilder pointed out the constellations and told me the stories behind them. My favorite is Virgo. We talked and laughed and ate s’mores on a campfire she taught me how to build. 

All that was a year ago. Wilder and I are still together, and I wouldn’t trade her for the world. I haven’t talked to Selena, or Carter or any of those people since that day in the cafeteria. I did try design, I took a sewing class at the community center and made a really bad skirt. I’ve gotten much better, I make the clothes I wear to pageants now. Wilder won the all-star season of Lonesome. She was really happy about it. She’s going to use the money to help pay for college. Some days I still really miss Emily, but Wilder helps, and so does Ian. Mom and dad do too, and I help them.

End

Ian
Ok, today. Today I quit basketball. Today I do what I’ve wanted to do for years. Elise asked Wilder out yesterday. She came home after their date with a smile I hadn't seen since she won her first pageant. Maybe today I’ll have that smile. I hope so.

“Hi. So I’d like to apologize for the other day in the bathroom. That was mean. I think I’m ready to do this.”

“Are you sure? You sound hesitant.” August, a math kid that always seems to have some sort of calculus book with him, asked. 

“Yeah, this is just a big change.” 

“Alright, if you’re sure. Donavin can help you set up a character.”

“We meet on Thursdays from 3:00 - 5:00.” Michael piped up.  

Is there normally a schedule for this kind of thing? I smiled, “Sounds great. What kind of character should I be?” 

______________________________________________________________________

One happy year later, I’m in college studying for a double major in engineering and history. The party still gets together every other Saturday to play. I was kicked off the team the second Marcus saw me creating a character with them. But I had a new team, a better one too. I think Emily was right about the courage thing too. I think about her all the time, there’s even a picture of all of us on my nightstand. Her death definitely changed me, I call Elise every weekend, and sometimes during the week, to make sure she’s ok. She always is, I just like to make sure. Sometimes she calls me because she misses Emily, she took this a lot harder than any of us did. She’s getting better though. We all are. 

End