I had never felt this excited in my life. Rosalyn liked me! It felt like my whole life was starting to come together. Plus, maybe with my help, she could get her lines memorized. It took me what felt like forever to fall asleep that night.
~
The weekend lasted years. With no drivers license or car, I had to wait until Monday to see Rosalyn again. Emma was the furthest thing from my mind.
~
Monday finally rolled around, and I even woke up half an hour before my alarm. I rushed through my morning routine, and raced out the door to meet Kate. “Guess what happened! Also, don’t judge me for it too much since we were just talking about how I felt about Emma a few days ago.”
“Oh God, what is it ?” She laughed.
“After homecoming, I got together with Rosalyn.”
“Ugh out of anyone, why would you choose her?”
“I don’t know, because she likes me.” Kate was silent. I wouldn’t know what to say to that either, but it was the truth.
When we got to school, I rushed inside to find Rosalyn. As I got to my locker, I heard her voice behind me, “Boo.”
I smiled and turned around. She was there smiling back at me. “Hey” I said to her, “Wow I wish I had something better to say” I laughed “Um... What did you do this weekend?”
She laughed too and shook her head a little, “Well, I thought about you a lot.” We both smiled and  laughed some more, and she grabbed my hand as we walked up the stairs.
~
The rest of the day showed many mixed emotions from my peers about Rosalyn and my newfound relationship. The most unanimous feeling was disbelief. “Him?” people said behind our backs. “Rosalyn chose him?” The other thing that I personally heard was “Dude, really? Rosalyn? Man I heard she asked like half the school to homecoming. And she never asked you.”
~
Erik: (“Hey can I ask you something?”)
Rosalyn: (“Anything”)
Erik: (“I heard you asked a couple other people to homecoming”)
Erik: (“Why didn’t you ask me?”)
Rosalyn: (“Oh”)
Rosalyn: (“The other people I asked...”)
Rosalyn: (“I didn’t really like them”)
Rosalyn: (“I liked you. Like you. And I was afraid that you wouldn’t like me back”)
Erik: (“Oh. Thank you”)
Rosalyn: (“For what?”)
Erik: (“For being amazing”)
~
Rosalyn was a pageant girl. And she was always extremely busy. Half the time when I tried to see her, she had some kind of prep going on for a pageant, or she was currently in one. It didn’t make anything in our relationship easier, but we were usually up past 1:00 AM almost every night talking to each other.
A week passed without Rosalyn and I going on a single real date. I guess that she was too busy, and I was too nervous to question it. The other problem was her parents. Rosalyn was beautiful, and that probably contributed to how overprotective they were. So overprotective that even if Rosalyn had time to go on a real date with me, and not just holding hands at lunch, there were steps that I’d have to take to make the date happen:
Dinner with the parents
If they approved of me, we could then double date with pre-approved friends
After a few weeks of that, we could finally go on a real date, with just us
Thats what started the anxiety attacks.
Every night, sometimes for hours, I would be racked by violent anxiety attacks. My body would shake like crazy, and my mind would reel with all kinds of what if questions. What if Rosalyn’s parents didn’t like me? What if my play fails? What if what if what if. I could never tell anyone. Not Rosalyn, and certainly not my parents. What if they sent me to a therapist? There was another one of my damned what if questions.
~
Parent teacher conferences. The most nerve-wracking nights for a high schooler. Where teachers had the power to tell parents about failed/missing assignments, misbehavior, etc. But, Rosalyn was by my side. “Ugh I hate geometry so much. Erik will you help me with this proof?” Rosalyn asked me in despair.
“Yeah sure, let me see it.” I took her notebook, “Rosalyn, this is just the transitive property. If a=b and b=c, then a=c. You know this.”
“I know, I know. I just forgot, okay? Hey look, it’s my dad!” I felt my anxiety start. My fingers clenched together and I looked down, taking deep breaths. “Dad, meet Erik, Erik this is my dad, Scott!”
I stood up and managed a smile, “Nice to meet you sir.” I said as we shook hands.
“Dad, Erik was just helping me with my math homework. He knows all about what I’m doing in geometry. He’s probably the reason why I’m not failing” Rosalyn said as she hugged me.
“Well thank you Erik. Maybe I should start paying you as a tutor.” Scott laughed.
“Oh, no it’s no problem. I like being able to help Rosalyn out.” I said back to him.
“Well, Rosalyn, Erik, I need to get back to the conferences. Nice to finally meet you Erik.” Scott said to us as he turned and walked to his next parent-teacher meeting.
“Want to get some air?” I asked Rosalyn.
“Sure.” She took my hand and we walked outside. It was a warm evening, and the sun was just starting to set, casting an orange light on the green trees in the background. I took both of her hands and looked into her eyes. She looked back into mine, and at that moment I felt something about her that I’d never felt about another girl. We kissed. For the first time. For the first time for us, and the first time ever for me. It was also the last time we’d ever kiss.

Beauty pageants. The dream of most American girls was coming true for Rosalyn.And of course I was proud of her. I did the best that I possible could to support her, and to keep her interested in me as she was on stage winning runner-up prizes, or occasionally even the entire pageant.
Erik: (“Hey”)
Rosalyn: (“Hey”)
Erik: (“How was your pageant today? Did you win?”)
Rosalyn: (“ I won runner up. Not bad. It was a really long day though”)
Erik: (“Aw, I was sure that you were going to win! I’m sure you were the most beautiful girl there”)
Rosalyn: (“Aww thanks <3! Did I tell you that I’ve actually been getting fan mail?!”)
Erik: (“No! How can I send you some fan mail?”)
Rosalyn: (“Email it to me :)”)
To: PageantGirlRosalyn@gmail
From: ErikTheDirector@gmail

Dear Rosalyn,
You’re amazing! And I can’t believe how proud I am of you. You should have won that pageant today! You’re so beautiful and perfect. And I am so lucky. How can you be so pretty? And want to be with me? I am just blown away by how much you accomplish. It’s so great that you do these pageants. My mom said to me that you are very beautiful when I showed her your picture, and she approves of you! I want to know what your dad thinks of me!
-Erik

Rosalyn: (“I’m crying right now”)
Erik: (“Why?!”)
Rosalyn: (“Because you’re incredible. And your letter...”)
Erik: (“It’s all the truth”)
Rosalyn: (“You make me so happy. Hey, It’s been such a long day, talk to you tomorrow?”)
Erik: (“Okay, goodnight”)
~
Lunch. The time for social interactions and eating with my girlfriend. It was now Facebook official. I found Rosalyn. “Hey, how’s your day?” She didn’t answer. “Is something wrong?” I asked cautiously.
“No” She said quietly, “Nothing’s wrong.” I sat down next to Rosalyn and put my arm around her. She leaned her head against my shoulder, and I heard her start to cry.
“Something’s wrong. What is it? Please, tell me” I pleaded.
“I can’t. I can’t tell you.” She whimpered back to me.
“Please” I said again. She didn’t answer, and eventually the bell rang. We went our separate ways to class.

Erik: (“What’s wrong? I want to help”)
Erik: (“?”)
Erik: (“Please”)
Rosalyn never answered. She didn’t show up to rehearsal that night.
“Hey what’s up?” Emma asked me after play practice was over.
“I don’t know. Rosalyn won’t talk to me. She was crying at lunch and I don’t know what to do.” I answered apprehensively.
“Oh that doesn’t sound good. Can I help?”
“No”
“Come on we’re friends aren’t we?”
“I guess so. I’ll tell you if I need help”
“Okay. Hey I have an idea. You’re friends with with Vanessa and Lizzy too aren’t you?”
“Yeah.” I managed a laugh, “We’ve hung out with them together before, remember?”
She laughed too, “I guess we have! Well, why don’t we all hang out Saturday? Have some fun”
“Okay that sounds like fun. Saturday?”
“Yeah”
~
12:03 AM, Thursday October 16th. I was about to fall asleep when I heard my phone. “Ding” I scrambled to find it. Maybe Rosalyn had finally texted me back. She had.
Rosalyn: (“Erik...”)
Rosalyn: (“I have to talk to you”)
My heart leaped into my throat. Those words were never a good sign.
Erik: (“Okay. Please don’t say what I think you’re going to say”)
Rosalyn: (“Erik...”)
Rosalyn: (“My parents don’t think that I should have a boyfriend right now. Im so sorry”)
Erik: (“Rosalyn, you don’t have to do this. Please don’t”)
Rosalyn: (“I have to”)
Erik: (“No you don’t. You don’t need to let your parents control you. Make your own decisions”)
Rosalyn: (“Please don’t do this. Please don’t make it harder than it already is”)
Erik: (“Me?! Making it harder?! I’ve been trying so hard’)
Erik: (“Is this how little I mean to you? That you’d dump me in an instant if your parents wanted you to?”)
Rosalyn: (“You mean so much to me. You have to know that. Please don’t be angry. Maybe we can try again later in the year when I’m less busy”)
Erik: (“No Rosalyn. I’m sorry. But if we’re done, we’re done. I can’t wait for you like that. I can’t do that to myself”)
Rosalyn: (“I’m sorry”)
~
Erik: (“Kate?”)
Erik: (“Are you there? Please wake up?”)
Kate: (“I’m here. What is it?”)
Erik: (“Rosalyn and I broke up. And it didn’t exactly end well”)

Kate: (“Erik I’m so sorry. She didn’t deserve you”)
Erik: (“Thank you. I feel a little better. See you tomorrow?”)
Kate: (“Of course”)
~
Kate came to my house earlier than usual the next morning. “Erik are you okay?”
“Yeah. I’ll live.” I answered numbly.
“It’s ok. You know it’s going to be okay right?”
“The only thing is Kate, is that it’s not going to be okay” I said angrily, “I don’t know if I can do this anymore. I can’t handle seeing Rosalyn and feeling broken. And of course seeing Emma and feeling hurt. I can’t do it.”
“What are you saying?” She asked me in a scared voice.
“Nothing. I’m not saying anything. I’m fine.”
I wasn’t.

November started with a feeling of depression. Life had fallen back into it’s old routine, except now with the nightly anxiety attacks. But eventually they became routine too. It was Thursday, less than a week since Rosalyn and I broke up. Or since she dumped me I should say.
1st period Algebra two rolled around, and the teacher started with a lecture on asymptotes or something. When its 55 minutes were up, I went downstairs to the library. To the usual table. Kai came up to me, “Can I copy your homework? I saw you finished early.”
“Sure do whatever.” I replied apathetically.
“Dude get over it. You and Rosalyn were together for like a month.” Kai said cruelly to me.
“I’m over it.”
“Yeah thats why you’ve been acting like a zombie recently right?”
“Kai, will you get off my f***in back for two goddam minutes?” I yelled, “I’m not acting like a zombie because Rosalyn and I broke up. It sucks, but it’s fine. I’m acting like a zombie, because I think I am one. A f***ing brainless zombie. I do the exact same thing every day. I go to the same classes. Talk to the same people. I even eat the same lunch, and I’m sick of it.” I stood up and walked away.
I don’t know why, but I went to the auditorium. But i did. It was empty and pitch black. I walked into the center and slumped down into the soft seat. I stayed there until the bell rang for third period.
In world lit we were studying Dante’s Inferno. We had split into groups. Each group studied a circle of Hell and gave a presentation. They were painful to watch. No group could get through teaching the class about the circle without breaking focus and stopping. The same old thing.
Lunch was a little different. Emergency play rehearsal. The next night was opening day and I was terrified. We weren’t ready. I wasn’t ready. I walked into the auditorium, and saw my cast on the stage. “Alright guys, lets get it perfect this time.” I said before heading to my spot. I watched it for the first time without taking notes or talking to the other director. It was perfect. Or as perfect as I had imagined that it could be. I turned the lights on in the auditorium, and came down to the stage where all of the actors were. “That was amazing everyone! Perfect! Do that tomorrow, and we’ll be incredible!” I said to them. They thanked me, and we all left the auditorium for 5th period.
Biology. Easily my favorite subject. It was always interesting, along with the fact that the teacher was just simply brilliant. I had never learned as much in a class as I did in his. That day, we just took notes. No one talked to me.
History and Spanish were at the end of the day. While I liked my history teacher Mr. Matzner, the class was too hard with too much busywork for me. Spanish however was just plain awful as usual. It almost always ruined my entire day, even if it wasn’t already bad.
After Spanish finally came to an end at 3:15PM, I headed back to the auditorium fir the 3rd time that day. One more rehearsal before the big night. My heart lightened as I remembered how well everyone had done earlier. Especially Emma. That’s when I realized something: My feelings for Emma were back. Great. Probably another two years or so of false hope again. Oh well.
The play was flawless for the second time that day. I was ecstatic. I hadn’t thought that it was going to end out well. But it was coming together, and I couldn’t be happier. I was a director.
Friday. I was happy. For the first time in about a week. Or if I was honest, more like a month. It felt good. It was an easy day at school, with a lot of people saying the words that every director wants to hear: “Hey, I’m coming to your show tonight!” It was a good day.
After school the cast and I went out to dinner. We got a huge table, and we all laughed for most of the meal. “Hey Erik, do you think we’re ready?” Julia asked me.
“Yeah we are! You guys are going to kill it tonight! I know that everyone’s going to love it.” I answered in a loud, happy way.
“You mean all of our parents? Because parents are the only ones who go to the student directed plays.” Emma jokingly said.
“Exactly. All of our parents are going to love us.” Vanessa laughed back.
“Everyones going to love you guys.” I said, and we all got back to eating to get back to the school for our big performance.
We got back late, and the main director was not happy. “Get your makeup on!” She said to my actors. They rushed into the dressing rooms to do so.
At 7:00PM the doors opened. The auditorium filled with people, and my heart raced. “Okay Erik, it’s time for your show!” The main director said to me.
I gulped and spoke into a microphone, “Um, hello everybody, I’m Erik, and I directed this play. It’s a really fun show, and I hope everyone enjoys it!” The lights went down, and came back up on my set, and my actors, and everything was perfect.
The show ended, and I was ecstatic. Everything had gone incredibly. People laughed when they were supposed to, and not even Rosalyn forgot a line. Emma came up to me “Erik, that was amazing! Thank you so much!”
I laughed, “No thank you! You were awesome!I knew I’d picked the right lead.”
She laughed right back at me and said, “Hey are you still hanging out with Vanessa, Lizzy, and me tomorrow?”  “Sure, sounds like fun.” We both laughed some more, and then went our separate ways home.
I had no idea that the next day would be the last day that I would be happy for a long time.

Saturday. Everyone loves Saturdays. No school, no work, and for me on that particular Saturday, there was my day with Emma. “Ding”
Emma: (“Hey, can we pick you up at 12?”)
Erik: (“Sure!”)
Emma: (“See you then!”)
I looked at my clock. 10:00AM, two hours until I was meeting Emma, Vanessa, and Lizzy.
I made myself breakfast, took a shower, got dressed, and by 11:15AM I was ready. Lizzy’s car pulled up in front of my house a little after 12:00, and I got in. “Hey Erik!” Everyone said to me.
I smiled and said hello back. “So what are we doing today?” I asked.
“We thought we’d go to the mall and see a movie or something.” Lizzy answered. We drove to the outdoor mall close to where we lived, and spent an hour or so loitering inside various stores.
After that we went to see a movie. Some superhero one, but I don’t really remember the story. I couldn’t stop thinking about Emma the whole time.
Once the movie ended, we spent a lot more time laughing, loitering, and eating dinner. It was late when we drove back to Lizzy’s house.
When we got there, we all went into the kitchen and made tea. We were probably the only people in America drinking English Breakfast Tea at 10:30 at night.
The caffeine from the tea woke us up, so we went into Lizzy’s basement to do the thing that most American teenagers did on a Saturday night: play the game of Life. I’ve never laughed as hard as I did that night, sitting in Lizzy’s basement drinking tea and playing Life with Emma. After being as depressed as I was before, it felt amazing.
It was incredibly late when Lizzy took me home. Somewhere around 1:30AM I think. Lizzy and I talked as she drove. We always did. Usually we talked about sadness and the monotony of high school, but that night we talked about Emma. “Erik, you obviously like her, you should just ask her out.” Lizzy said to me.
“Yeah I doubt she’d ever go for it.” I said back.
“You never know.” She told me as we pulled into my driveway. I thanked her and said goodnight.
When I walked into my house, I went straight to bed. I was exhausted. And I’d never felt the way that I did then; a mixture of happiness and excitement for the times ahead that I would be spending with Emma, Vanessa, and Lizzy.
“Ding” I searched my bed for my phone. Once I found it, I held the glowing screen up.
Emma: (“Hey, are you still awake?”)
Erik: (“Yeah I’m up”)
Emma: (“I have a question”)
Erik: (“Shoot”)
Emma: (“I know that you liked me before you dated Rosalyn. Do you still like me?”)
Erik: (“Why?”)
Emma: (“Because I think I like you”)
My heart soared. I couldn’t believe that it was finally happening.
Erik: (“I still like you”)
Emma: (“Great!”)
Erik: (“What does this mean? For us?”)
Emma: (“Can we talk about it tomorrow? I needed to tell you, but I’m so tired”)
Erik: (“Okay”)
I went to sleep feeling better than I ever had.
Morning took forever to come. As soon as it did, I scrambled to find my phone to text Emma.
Erik: (“Good morning”)
Emma: (“hi”)
Erik: (“I think we should talk about this”)
Emma: (“Erik... I think I was wrong”)
(“I don’t think I like you that way”)
Erik: (“Wait, what?”)
Emma: (“ I thought that I did, but I don’t. I’m sorry”)
My world crashed around me, and I was crushed. I had to get away from it all. From Emma, from Rosalyn, from everyone. I was done.

September. I hated Septembers before. The back to school month is always the worst, but everything is so much better than it was. I love where I am now. I got out. I did it. And it was hard. I didn't get out because of Rosalyn and Emma. Or even Kai. I did it because the monotony was killing me and I couldn't take it anymore. I felt like I was going to explode. The path that I was wearing in the floor of the school became to deep, and I needed a change of scenery. And I did it. I'm still sort of friends with Emma, but sometimes it's been hard. Not because I feel the same way that I did about her about a year ago. But because it hurts so much to remember how I felt for those two years that I was infatuated with her. My anxiety has gotten better for the most part. Sometimes I get an attack when I remember something painful about how my life was. But it's better. Everything's better.