Inside My Head | Teen Ink

Inside My Head

July 14, 2014
By TwistedFangirl, Boise, Idaho
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TwistedFangirl, Boise, Idaho
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Favorite Quote:
"We're all mad here." -Cheshire Cat

Author's note: I came up with it mostly because I am very interested in mental disorders like schizophrenia and sociopath/psychopathy.

Put it in the water, he whispered into my ear. I looked at the newborn kitten and a slight doubt filled me, but I obeyed him and dropped the kitten into the pool. I sat and watched it sink into the water. It struggled sinking and then its movement became choppy and short until they finally stopped and the kitten sunk to the bottom of the pool, dead. I looked into his green eyes with annoyance.
“You said it could swim but it didn't. I just killed that innocent kitten. I am never speaking to you again,” I cried. My mother stepped outside and looked at me in confusion before running over to me. She stood right next to him but didn't acknowledge his presence. He smiled and sat down. “Kyre don’t look at me like that,” I told him. My mother gasped at the sight of the kitten in the pool.
“Aisling, did you put the kitten in the pool?” she looked at me with grief and disappointment swimming in her eyes. I nodded.
“He told me that it would swim!” I told her in a wistful voice. My mother and I stared at the kitten for what seemed like a long time.
Push her, Kyre stated calmly. I didn't even hesitate as I reached over and pushed my mother into the pool. She screamed with fright as she fell and I stood watching her struggle to swim under the weight of her clothing. Don’t let her out, he commanded me. I looked at him with surprise. I didn't want to kill my own mom but I would never disobey him. Don’t let her out, he said in a slight growl. I walked over to where my mom was climbing out of the water and pushed her back in. She gasped as she fell and look at me with shock at my betrayal.
“Aisling?” my father had come outside, “What’s going…” he cut off his question at the sight of my mother struggling to climb the ladder. I pushed her back in again and a moment later my father pushed me away and started helping my mother out of the water. I stared at him with annoyance. He was getting between me and what I was told to do.
Push him in as well, Aisling. He whispered to me. I looked at him and shook my head. I wouldn't kill them. Kyre's eyes filled with anger, I said ‘push them in’! Again I shook my head, but this time I stood up and walked to my bedroom. I sat down on my bed and watched as Kyre sat down next to me. How dare you disobey me! He hissed. I hung my head in shame knowing that he would punish me for disobeying him. My mother and father said that he wasn't there but they were just too blind and close-minded to see him. I knew better than that, Kyre was standing in front of me, and he shared my head. A sudden burst of pain erupted on my arm and I bit down on my tongue, not wanting to scream. I looked at my arm seeing a third degree burn develop quickly. The burn started to blister, pus oozed from it and the skin peeled off around the blisters. I gagged at the sight, disgusted by the fluids dripping on my bed. I stood up slowly gasping as the burn continued to worsen, turning into a charcoal black. Sit down! Kyre screamed at me. I sat down quickly following his every command. Grab the knife, I picked up the pocket knife from my bedside table, run it down the burn, now. I did so but I had only just pierced the burn when a scream blew from my mouth like a blow horn. I heard my parents running toward the room and I threw the knife onto my table. My father opened my door and looked around trying to find the reason for my cry. I cradled the burned arm against my stomach, tears leaving streaks on my dirty face.
“What’s wrong? Aisling, why did you scream?” my dad asked me. I looked at him and held out the burned arm slightly. He looked at me in confusion. “Aisling, what is wrong with your arm? I see nothing wrong with it.” I hiccuped slightly in annoyance.
“You can’t see the burn! It’s blackened and crisped like an over cooked turkey!” I realized that even when I was hysterical I sounded wistful and distant. My dad gave my mom a worried look and they both came in and sat down across from me. Kyre stood, a smug grin on his face, before walking over and sitting on the top bunk of my bed. His feet swung next to me and I knew that one wrong move and I would get a foot in the face.
“Aisling, how long have you been having these hallucinations?” my mother asked me gently. I looked at her in surprise.
“What hallucination? I see only what is truly there. I just opened my mind and eyes so that I could see beyond what everyone else can see,” I told her in a matter-of-fact tone. My father sighed.
“What is the name of that boy that you said lived with you?” he asked me. I looked at him suspiciously.
Don’t tell them that I am here. Tell them my name and that I am gone. Kyre told me. I nodded.
“Kyre, but he left a while ago,” I said. It was my father’s turn to look suspicious.
“Then you put that newborn, innocent kitten into the pool to drown all by yourself. You wanted the kitten to die?” he asked me. I looked at him not knowing how to answer without revealing Kyre's presence to them. I waited for Kyre to tell me what to say but he stayed stubbornly silent. I looked at my mother and suddenly felt a tingling on my back. I stood up and jumped with surprise as Myra walked into the room.
“My…” Myra silenced me with a quick shake of her head. I sat down and realized that my parents were looking even more worried than before.
“How many people are in this room, Aisling?” my mother asked me slowly. I looked at her with a ‘just how stupid do you think I am’ look.
“Three. You, me and dad,” I said calmly. Kyre and Myra weren't people. Myra walked behind my parents and began making faces at them. I giggled but froze at the sight of the look on my parents face. My parents looked at each other for a moment before my dad took a deep breath and looked me in the eye.
“Aisling, both your mother and I love you very much but I think that it is time we did something that we have been trying to avoid for a long time,” he paused and I knew what his next words were before they even left his mouth, “I think you need to see a psychiatrist about the possibility of you being schizophrenic.” I simply looked at them indifferently waiting for them to leave. They looked back, like they were expecting me to do something. Eventually they stood up and left the room. Kyre jumped down from my bed and punched me in the face. I sprawled back on the bed from the force.
You idiot! You were supposed to keep them from sending you to a psychiatrist! You are a worthless piece of crap! He looked at me like he was going to hurt me for the third time but stopped as Myra cleared her throat.
Kyre leave her alone, She said flippantly. Kyre glowered at her and flipped her off. I felt a tingle run up my legs followed by heat and looked down to see fire teasing the hairs on my leg. I screamed in horror and tried to stand but looked up to see that the rest of the house was on fire. I could hear mom and dad screaming trying to escape, not even bothering to save their precious psychotic daughter from her prison in the basement. Myra looked like she might help me but instead she left the room. Kyre snickered.
You will burn to death in here. It’s okay though, because no one will care. Why should they care about a stupid, murdering, psychotic, teenage, girl? Kyre hissed into my ear. I felt the fire burning my skin making the rest of me match my charcoal arm. Poor, poor, Aisling, alone and abandoned to burn in the fires of Hell, he chuckled. I stood up and began rolling on the hot floor but the fire would not be extinguished. I screamed trying to get someone to hear me and stop this fire from stealing my life. I saw my mom standing in the doorway looking at me in horror. She could see the fire, my mom could see the fire on me but she couldn't get to me.
“Mommy!” I screamed, “Help me! I don’t want to die yet. Please, put out the fire!” My mom looked taken aback when I mentioned the fire and she quickly rushed to my side.
“Aisling, there is no fire. Honey,” she whispered into my ear in a soothing voice, “There is no fire. You are in your bedroom and everything is just fine.” Slowly the pain of the burns faded even though I could see them climbing up my leg. I watched as the blackened skin turned back to normal and the flames disappeared, along with Kyre, even though the sound of the crackling remained and even that eventually disappeared. I sat up quickly feeling like a fog had been lifted from my mind. I stared at my mom for a moment before falling into her gentle embrace and sobbing on her shoulder. I didn't know why Kyre disappeared but it didn't matter to me much. The rest of the day passed in a blur and I woke up the next day feeling refreshed but like there was someone in my head, and it wasn't me.

Chapter 2
After breakfast my mom took me to see the psychiatrist. I sat in the soft armchair, staring at the woman who claimed that she could help me. She was very tall and very… portly. She wore large glasses attached to a long chain that went around her neck and a very ugly suit. I thought that if this lady was able to get through college than anyone could.
“So,” the woman paused looking at the clipboard in front of her. She couldn’t figure out how to say my name, I recognized the look.
“Aisling,” I told her. She smiled and looked at me.
“Of course, Aisling. How have you been feeling lately?” she asked me. I stared at her with indifference, not wanting to answer. She cleared her throat, “Okay then, how about you tell me a little bit about yourself. What is your favorite color?” Again I refused to show any emotion and refused to answer. The woman looked at me slightly annoyed and looked at the clipboard she held in front of her.
“Can we just get to the part where you tell me that I am a complete psychopath and need to spend the rest of my life in an insane asylum?” I retorted. She looked up surprised and sighed.
“Fine. The information that your mother gave me says that you have been hallucinating. That not only do you hear voices that you also see things and can feel them, that you believe that there is someone named Kyre that talks to you. Is this true?” she said in a blunt tone. I looked at her and grinned.
“That is only partially true. Kyre is really there. He punched me in the face yesterday and that made me fall over, but he also told me to drop the kitten in the pool and to push my mom in the pool and not let her out,” I told the woman as my grin turned into a smirk. “Also sometimes I can float in the air or make water or fire shoot from my hand or mouth. I see things that no one else can see,” I started to get carried away but I didn’t care, “I hear things that no one else can hear and I can do special things that no one else can. I need to be able to do that so that I can fight the monsters that are trying to control my thoughts.” The woman looked at me before slowly writing something on the clipboard. She stood up and turned to me.
“Can you go and fetch your parents and bring them in to speak to me please?” The woman asked me. I nodded and walked stiffly from the room not caring that the woman probably was going to tell my parents that I was some messed up psychopath that would someday become a serial killer unless I was kept locked in a padded cell with other psychopaths.
After ten or twenty minutes I was called back into the room with my parents. My dad looked very upset at me for some reason and my mom looked like she was going to cry. I sat down on the couch next to them and waited for the news that I knew was coming.
“Aisling, let me explain something to you,” the psychiatrist said slowly, “Every person has certain natural chemicals in their brain that balance and let a person go through life normally. You also have some of these chemicals but some of them are missing. The chemicals in your brain are unbalanced and so you hallucinate. It can be treated, but only when it is minor. In your case it is no longer minor; it can’t be treated for you.” I sighed and looked at the ceiling, “Aisling,” the psychiatrist pulled back my attention, “You’re schizophrenic.” I nodded swiftly and sat tuning out her speech on how I would never be able to function normally in society and how I would always be different and that unless I learned to ignore the voices I was going to get myself into trouble someday i.e. you’re so crazy that unless you do this impossible thing you will end up as a serial killer.
“Aisling!” my father suddenly yelled. I looked at him in shock putting on my best innocent face, “We are trying to help you and you are blowing this off!” I nodded and my mother gasped.
“You stupid child, get a grip! You will not blow off your life like this,” mom yelled at me. I sighed in annoyance. They couldn’t treat it so it’s not like taking this seriously could help me.
Grab the glass figurine and break it against the wall! Kyre suddenly walked into the room. I followed his orders and stood there holding the sharp edged glass. The psychiatrist, whose name tag I finally read and discovered was Dr. Norton, looked me directly in the eye while mom and dad looked nervously towards me and the door. Cut open your arm, Kyre told me, and cut deep. I looked at him and blinked slowly. He was telling me to kill myself? I looked at him in confusion and jumped at the feeling of a hand on my arm.
Kyre you idiot that will kill her and then where will we be. Don’t cut yourself. Kill the shrink. She deserves it. Myra told me softly. I let the meanings of the words sink in for a moment before a harsh sneer crossed my face. I looked at the Dr. Norton, malice filling my eyes, and was annoyed that there was no fear in her face. I stepped toward her holding the glass knife over my shoulder preparing to stab it into her fat abdomen.
“Aisling, they aren’t there. Ignore them and let these horrible ideas leave your mind.” She told me sternly. I shook my head smirking and tried to bring the sharp glass down into her. My arm stopped. I only partially registered that it was dad’s hand before trying to pull away. I put my other hand around his throat but I was too weak and was unable to make an effect on him. He was unaffected by my hands and merely pulled the broken glass from my grip. I screamed curses at him as he pinned my arms behind my back and held me down. He was a cop; he was trained to deal with this.
You’re such a failure Aisling, Kyre tisked at me, Not even able to complete one simple task. What about the name Ash, it will match the blackness of your charcoaled skin when I’m done with you. I wrinkled my head in confusion as an odd sensation trickled down my leg. I couldn’t see it but it felt like a thick liquid was flowing across my body. I heard something being put down before Kyre crouched behind me and ran his fingers through my hair.
Such a pity, you were so beautiful. He commented as he pulled a match from his pocket. I glanced down and saw a gas can on the floor. I looked up at dad in horror but he merely looked confused.
“Dad, get away from me! They’re going to light me on fire. Get away!” I screamed at him as Kyre lit the match on the rock. Myra glanced at Kyre and then at me in concern.
You two have some really serious relationship issues, she said as she left the room. I watched in horror as the flickering flame came dangerously close to my highly flammable skin. Dad looked sorry as he stood up and stepped away from me shaking his head. Dad was going to let them; he was going to let them burn me to death. “I hate you! You’re horrible parents! You would just stand there and watch me burn,” I interrupted myself by screaming. The flame ate my hair and now skittered down my face and arms like bugs. I writhed but for some reason I couldn’t move. I had to stop the flames before they burned through the gas and started to eat my skin away. I was trapped and felt my anger at Kyre for hurting me and Myra for letting him building slowly while the anger towards my parents for abandoning me to my doom was worse.
“Mr. Collins! Please get off of her! She is having a fit. She thinks that you are burning her to death. You need to pick her up and make her realize that you are there for her.” Dr. Norton suddenly said. I looked at her in confusion. Dad wasn’t anywhere near me. Was she crazy too? Suddenly I found that I could move and was lifted from the burning ground. I looked to see who was holding me and saw my dad. He held me close as he again and again reassured me that I was safe and that I was not on fire. The flames and the burning and the sounds disappeared, just like they had the previous day, except this time Kyre stayed and Myra walked back in the room. I stared at them waiting for them to leave like they had before but they didn’t they just stood there looking annoyed.
“Go away Kyre!” I screamed, “Leave me alone, Myra!” I screamed at both of them but Myra merely punched Kyre and Kyre ran his finger down his cheek like it was a tear. I screamed curses at them but Kyre just laughed and Myra glared at him. I didn’t notice anything else until my dad began to carry me from the room. He whispered to me as we left.
“They’re not there sweetie. Just pretend they aren’t there and they will leave. Just like the bullies at school did,” he told me. I remembered him giving me the same advice when I was younger and was bullied at school. Unfortunately the bullies hadn’t then left me alone; I just didn’t tell my parents that.
When we got home my dad and mom both talked to me about a special boarding school were people who were mentally unstable went. They said that I would be surrounded by lots of kids who have the same problem that I do. I shook my in disagreement. I didn’t want to go. I wanted to stay here with them. I needed them. Mom and Dad left after a while and I sat on my bed waiting for Kyre and Myra to tell me off. They never showed. It became late and so I got into bed. At midnight I woke up to find Kyre sleeping next to me. Myra was probably on the top bunk, or maybe she had gone home. I rolled towards him and let him wrap his long muscular arms around me. I felt safe in the arms of the person I was in the most danger from.

When I woke up I knew that there was something wrong. Kyre felt different. I looked up to see what was wrong and tried to scream at the sight of giant tarantula but my voice only came out as breath. I struggled to pull away but its long hairy legs held me still as it began to spin its web around me. The moist threads clung to my skin; holding my limbs tight like rope. I attempted another scream but the spider’s web covered my mouth and I was unable to make another sound. I whimpered in fright as I stared at the hairy monster and then closed my eyes as the white ropes of silk covered my eyes. I struggled to get out of the threads but every time I pulled the silk threads became tighter. I struggled to call out for Kyre but I couldn’t move my mouth. I felt a wave of anxiety begin to build and began to panic. Anxiety attacks made my hallucinations unbearable and even more nightmare like. Instead of being wrapped inside of spider webs i would be being eaten by thousands of tiny spiders. I scrunched up my face focusing on my surroundings. I focused on my stomach and realized that it felt bare, not tied with webs. I opened my eyes and focused beyond the webs. I clicked my tongue inside my mouth and focused on the sound until it stopped sounding muffled. Slowly the webs disappeared and I found myself safe in my bed. I smiled at how easily I had controlled the hallucination. Kyre was sitting next to me with a mixture of concern and laughter on his face. He lied down next to me and wrapped his arms around me. I snuggled closer and he began to stroke my bare back. I pulled away from him in shock and looked down at my torso. I was no longer wearing a shirt. Pulling my blankets back revealed my lack of pants. I looked at Kyre in confusion and anger but he shook his head looking perplexed. I looked around but couldn’t see my pajamas anywhere in the dark. I slipped out of my bed and toward the light switch next to my door. I turned it on and saw my pajamas folded neatly on a chair in front of my closet. I grabbed them and sat down on my bed about to pull my shirt on. Kyre’s hand snaked around my bare torso and pulled me down on top of him. I wriggled as he pulled my clothes out of my hand. He pulled me under the blanket and rolled on top of me. Hello beautiful, he said as he pulled off his clothes, Ready for some fun? I widened my eyes as he leaned in to kiss me. The middle of the night was Kyre’s favorite time of day but I didn’t want this, not right now.
Kyre! Myra’s voice rang out through the room, she doesn’t want it. Leave her be. I nodded in agreement with Myra. Kyre growled and mumbled something about not ever having fun and rolled off of me. I grabbed my pajamas and pulled them on quickly.
“Thank you, Myra,” I whispered. She glanced over the edge of the bed and nodded briefly before going back to sleep. I lied down and glanced at Kyre. He glowered at me still in his boxers. “No,” I whispered sternly and lied down with my back to him. He pulled me up against him holding me tight. I wriggled a little but finally sighed and let him hold me.

Three days passed with little incident. My worst offense was dropping one of the china bowls on the floor and standing in the shattered remains for almost ten minutes. Mom wasn't happy about that, and I think it scared her especially after I told her I dropped it because Kyre was tickling me. I was in the den (I was no longer allowed near the pool) when the phone started to ring. Kyre made a face and rolled over on the couch where he had been napping.
Answer the phone, Aisling. He grumbled. I stood up carefully and did as he said. An unfamiliar voice chattered at me through the receiver.
"Hello," the woman said, "I'm the secretary at Rolling Oaks Mental Institute. I'm calling in response to your request to enroll your daughter at our school." I stood for a minute silenced by shock. Mom and Dad had decided to enroll me, even though I had said I didn't want to go. "Hello?" the woman's voice seeked for a reply.
"Hold on let me get my mom," I said in a flat voice. I took the receiver away from my ear so I wouldn't have to hear the woman's silly replay before trudging up the stairs. Myre followed me, the curiosity on her face obvious.
"Mom!" I called, "the secretary from Rolling Oaks Mental Institute is calling about you enrolling me without my blessing!" My mom took the phone from my hand carefully. Her face held no apology.
"Hello, this is Daena, Aisling's mother," My mom said in her business voice. I stuck my tongue out at her retreating back before sitting on the bannister to slide down the stairs.
Your parents are enrolling you in the crazy school, even though you said no, Myra stated. I nodded before sitting down on top of Kyre. He groaned and swatted at me but I grabbed his hand and kissed his fingers. He blinked at me slowly. He sat up quickly and wrapped his arms around me, gently kissing my neck.
Something's wrong, isn't it? he asked as he drew circles on my hip with his thumb. I shook my head and burrowed into his shoulders. He kissed the top of my head gently. What's wrong with her, Myra? He asked, Aisling is never cuddly unless I ask her to be. Myra raised her eyebrows.
More like command but it doesn't matter, Myra spoke with urgency. Aisling's parents are enrolling her in that crazy school. Kyre’s grip tightened and he kissed the back of my neck.
I thought you told them you didn't want to go! Kyre grabbed my shoulders and pushed me away so he could see my face.
"I did!" I insisted. Kyre raised his eyebrows doubtfully.
If she says she did than she did! Myra snapped, Leave her alone Kyre. I put my head on Kyre’s chest.
I don't think she wants me to leave her alone right now, Myra, Kyre said as he slid his hand up the back of my shirt. I kissed his neck softly. Kyre made a throaty growl deep in his throat as his hand slipped to my front and ventured higher. A foot step on the stairs interrupted whatever we had been about to do. I slipped off of Kyre's lap and onto the floor.
"Aisling?" My mom peeked into the den and saw me sitting on the floor. She came and sat down next to me slowly. Her knees must be hurting her again. Kyre slid down to my other side and nibbled on my ear. I bit my tongue to hold back a moan.
"What is it Mother?" I asked, trying very hard to keep a straight face as Kyre kissed my throat.
"The school has accepted you," my mom said softly. I drew circles on my knee with my fingers. "They said you can come in a week early to learn your way around campus. There will already be some students there who stay over the summer," my mom gave me a cautious smile. I stared intently at my knee.
"Whatever," I grumbled. Kyre was sliding his hand up my shirt again. Either my mom or Kyre needed to leave and right now I wanted it to be my mom. Kyre kissed my cheek.
"We will talk about this more when your father gets home," my mom said as she gave me hug. I refused to hug her back. I was still mad at her. After my mom left the room I turned to Kyre.
"What the heck?!" I snapped, "How the heck am I supposed to pay attention to my mom and act sane with you..." Kyre kissed me on the lips, cutting off all arguments I was planning on giving. His arms wrapped around me and my stomach tensed and I grew hot. Kyre knew exactly how to make me bend to his will.
An hour later I was sitting on the couch in the den next Kyre, who was only in his boxers. I hadn't let a single article of clothing I had on, come off. I was quite proud of this, except even though the clothing was on me did not stop Kyre from getting inside it. Myra was sitting the couch's armrest; she was pouting.
"I don't see why we couldn't watch my movie," she whined. Kyre sighed.
"We didn't watch your movie, because you are a whiny child," he snarked. Kyre snaked his arm around my waist and pulled me right up against him. I didn’t like Kyre when he was in this mood. He had gone from being a comforting, kind of sweet guy to being a complete d*bag with the self control of a rabbit in heat. Myra would say he never has more self control than that but I have seen sides of him that she hasn't.
"I am older than you!" Myra said disdainfully. With a sigh I stood to leave. "Where are you going?" Myra asked. They were both so oblivious sometimes.
"I can't stand the two of you sometimes," I said with a huff. Kyre snorted, pulled me down on top of him and began sliding his hand up the inside of my leg. "KYRE!" I screeched. I kicked him as hard as I could and ran out into the hall. I was going to be in so much trouble later. My mom was in the kitchen cooking.
"What's wrong, Aisling?" She asked without turning around. I glanced at her in surprise. I would swear that mothers have a sixth sense for when their child is in distress.
"I don't want to go to the school," I sat down at the table hard. My mom glanced over her shoulder.
"You need to go sweetie," my mom said, "You are sick and the school will help you get better." I pulled my knees up against my chest. I couldn't tell her the real reason of me not wanting to go. I couldn’t tell her that I was scared and that I needed her and my dad around to protect me from my hallucinations. My mom walked over and put her hand on my shoulder. "Just give it a try," she said softly, "if you hate it after one year we will bring you home." I hadn't realized I was crying until that moment. I still didn't want to go but I felt like I had no choice so I nodded. My mom gave me a hug before going back to cooking dinner. I stood up with a sigh, mentally preparing myself for whatever punishment I would receive for hitting Kyre.

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