6/16/14

“The first day is always tough.” Those are the words that had been going through my head all day. My eating disorder had gotten out of control and now I am stuck in this loathsome and treacherous treatment center for who knows how long. My parents have left me here and all I can think about is how dreadful this journey at the treatment center is going to be.
I started my day by meeting Liz. She introduced me to some staff at the treatment center and explained what I should expect. The meals are huge! For lunch I had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, a drink of boost, pretzels and fruit and that was only at a fifty percent meal. If I was at one hundred percent I would get a sub sandwich, a full salad, peanut butter, and an apple. God, for goodness sakes, just please get me out of this hell hole. For dinner I had chicken, pasta, vegetables, bread, and a brownie. I just don’t know what to expect really. Well, like everybody says, the first day is always tough. Today was rough, but I know that I will get through the next one.     

6/17/14

My summer consists of waiting, eating, sleeping, and waiting again. Getting shots, blood pressure, and cramps is all that I am getting out of this stupid treatment center right now. I know though that later on I will recover and hopefully be out of this place. All I can really do is obey, so I don’t I get a feeding tube. I was expecting some happy and pain free place, but sadly it is the exact opposite of what I thought that it would be.
For dreadful and awful breakfast I had oatmeal, almonds, and sour soy milk. I ate all of it so that I wouldn't have to have something to replace it, but I was still painfully and uncomfortably full. All I can wish for is to leave this damn place! Help me god, please! Writing just takes away a small part of mental pain, but the physical pain is still left behind. I can’t wait for the pain that I am going to feel after today’s miserable lunch. (Sarcasm)

6/18/14

5:45….
This is the tiring time that I am going to wake up for 6 or maybe more weeks. I have been thinking a lot about my family because I miss them terribly and I know that they are going through just as much pain as I am in by not having me with them. For some reason I feel like the mental part of my eating disorder is gone, but I know that it will come back to haunt me sooner or later. I just want to be back in the serene sky again billowing along with luxurious clouds and birds.
For breakfast today I sat next to Maya and Lily who are very nice, smart, and beautiful girls. They served me a waffle, sausage, and strawberries. I ate all of it and surprisingly I wasn’t in pain afterwards. The bad part of today is that my dietitian added an AM and a PM snack to my horrific meal plan. My mind wanders as I listen to her painful voice which was tearing my eye balls right out of their never ending sockets. All I know though is that I really just really don’t want to be fat. I guess I will just have to see what tomorrow will bring me. (Hopefully it will be better than today was.)

6/19/14

The sun is shining today, but I still may not go out and see it. The dark prison is still encompassing me and yet, I do not try to take a chance to escape. It is because I am safe inside my box… with my little friend… Ana. (Anorexia)
Today for lunch I was not feeling very hungry, but the staff made me eat every last bite of that unforgiving and inept meal. I felt forced and uncomfortable, but I knew that it was for my own good. They always say, let the program help you, but in the place that I am in right now, I don’t know if I will let it get inside of me any longer. It consisted of a Key West salad, which was made of candied pecans, kiwi, banana, pineapples, chicken, and chocolate covered raisins.  I enjoyed it but still regretted the unhealthy, but delicious taste.
Today for groups I had dance therapy and I loved it so much. I was prudent to not fall down, but I just love dancing and when I get out of this place I am taking my highway to dance life.
Hopefully the sun will be shining in my tiny prison, with Ana, tomorrow.

6/20/14

The image in the mirror is changing more rapidly than ever before. I cannot easily express the scared feeling that rushed out of me as I cry out my pain and fear. I can only keep them locked inside me and the key is within my eating disorder. Recovery is the only way to get it back and when I do get it back, I will be once again free.
Today was a pretty good day. The only malicious part about it though is that my dietitian bumped up two of my scary snacks. They were pushed up to 100 percent instead of fifty percent. I am very anxious right now because of my meal plan change, but I know that this is the only way to make me gain weight, which is a very good path to take towards the recovery stage; stage three. Stage three sounds so far, but yet the words make me quibble because I feel that if I get to stage three, I will be FAT.
I hope that I will try my best tomorrow, so I will not be in pain, which leads me into stress, anxiety, and anger.

6/21/14

The moon comes out I can imagine that my soul has gone from the sun to belonging to the moon. All I want is the sun again, but I will have to wait twenty four hours, until the sun comes out again.
Today had its ups and downs. After getting up for breakfast, I was feeling pretty self confident for the hours to become a long and stressful day. For breakfast I had a blueberry muffin and orange juice. I thought that it was a very delicious meal.
I finally finished the book “Rapture” that I was reading. For snack I had chocolate covered raisins and then ended my day with an hour of yoga and fifteen minutes of writing. Writing makes me think of home and home makes me think of my family. Writing is my passion as well as dance, but I will have to take a break from my dreams and move towards the instantaneous recovery path.  As a tear slides down my sorrow eyes I look out the window and imagine my family sitting with another girl who looks exactly like me, but it just wasn’t me.
  
6/22/14

The thunder starts to quietly rumble and the lightning lights up the sky. The gods above are fighting, one who will win and one who will die. I wonder if the thunder and the lightning could just politely solve all of their problems and not go out into rage.
Today I woke up with a sly smile on my face and told myself that I was going to get through the twenty four hour day without any stress, sadness, or anger. At 8:00 I went over to the treatment center and had breakfast. I had half a banana and a cheese and egg sandwich. It was good and I was tremendously proud of myself for pushing through the tough meal. My next group was anger relief. As I took my anger out on the inept mirror standing back at me I told it reluctant words. “You cannot control me any longer. My soul is passed to me, the one and only me.”
It felt good to stand up to the mirror which had been haunting me for most of my weary life. I want to do this again; in fact I want to do this every single day of my beautiful and graphic life.

6/23/14

Have you ever had that moment where you are so uncomfortable with a certain problem that you can’t really focus on what is going on in real life? It is to me, that sometimes I can’t handle the problem so much that I can’t go on with the rough day. I can imagine the stars twinkling down at me, telling me that everything is going to be internally okay.
Today I had half a bowl of cereal with milk, fruit and apple juice for breakfast. I was very full afterwards, so I just took a nap until snack time. In my nap I had a dream and it went like this:
The waves rushed against the soft sand and I fell back into my sweet Ana’s arms….
It never finished though.
For snack I had trail mix and I was very happy because I was not full after I finished the snack. I just hope that the rest of the day will give me ingenious thoughts so that I can dream on in my head.

6/24/14

The waves rush against the cool sand and the shells tickle my feet. The calls of seagulls echo off of the waves instantaneously. The sun calls my name numerous times and my ears listen to the sun that was as hot as fire. The ice cold water feels luxurious as I make my way down the ocean, so that the ingenious water could wrap around my tiny waist, or what I thought to be an immense waist. And this is where it all began.
I wake up on the side of my bed at 5:50. My eyes feeling droopy, I made myself take on the scary day. For breakfast I had cinnamon apple oatmeal, and some milk and almonds. It was pretty good, but still I regret eating it. I came back to the adolescent side and read a few chapters in my book, Gone. For snack I had trail mix and now I am miserably full. I just hope that I will be ready to take on the rest of the day and still be satisfied with my meals.

6/25/14

Laughter cries out to me and then the soft and inept tears start to cascade of my gentle cheek. The tears start to drop onto the ground and I catch one and rub it on my face. It relieved all of my fears. Tomorrow was today and today was yesterday, but all I can think of is when the dreaded day will end.
Today I woke up at 6:00 and I was so tired that I almost fell back to sleep. For breakfast I had one waffle, one sausage, strawberries, and sour soy milk. I wasn’t to full after this meal, so I was a little bit happier than I would usually be. After this I went back over to the adolescent unit in the treatment center and made a picture frame. The picture frame was filled with color and I planned to hang it up in the room back at the apartment. After this I had my morning snack which was trail mix. I am very sad and uncomfortable right now because I am so full and I am in a lot of pain right now. I just hope that later today I will not be in as much pain as I am in right now.

6/26/14

The faint noise became a screeching and most terrifying scream. I looked bigger. My worst nightmare was in a tiny little mirror standing right in front of me. I looked fat. I can’t take it anymore! These evil people were making me eat 4,000 calories a day when I was already a fat pig. My worst birthday ever is going to be on Wednesday.
Today I woke up and had oatmeal, almonds, and milk. The oatmeal looked gruesome, but I knew that I had to eat the scary meal. Then for my morning snack I had thirty five animal crackers with peanut butter. Thirty five seemed to scare me, but I got through it. For lunch I had pizza, salad, and yogurt covered pretzels. Lunch has always been a terrifying meal to me, so I tried to get through this meal with no distractions. For my afternoon snack I had trail mix and this made me dreadfully full. For dinner I had mahi-mahi, potatoes, pineapples, bread, and a cupcake. I am stuffed right now and I feel so fat and immense.    

6/27/14
Today has been very frightening. As the rain drizzled down the window in the Delmar house, I blinked slowly, but softly. I then took a breath of the nebulous air, and poison went to my lung which was suffocating from the incompetent push of my stomach. Soon to be, and I had facts, that my horrific meal plan was the cause of the death of me.
Today was a hard day, but of course I pushed through it. Breakfast wasn’t too hard and it was delicious. I had a peanut butter bagel with bananas on top. I tried to think about all the good things that outnumber the bad things that I have each day of my life as I pushed through the bungling meal. For my morning snack I had chocolate covered raisons, they made me a little queasy but I pushed through it. Lunch was very hard, because I was already half way through the horrific meal. I had a Tai chicken wrap, chips, and fresh fruit with dip. For my afternoon snack I had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I actually didn’t order this but they made me eat it anyways. God, please make me feel better tomorrow. Even though all I ever wanted to be was…..
SKINNY

6/28/30
The minutes turned into hours, the hours turned into days, the days turned into weeks, the weeks turned into months, and the months turned into years. It would not abstain any more until a peep could be heard from the farthest person away. The serene clouds billowed above and the sweet humming birds sung a lullaby to put the flowers and trees to sleep.
Today I had a passable day. My parents came to visit me for three hours which was very exciting for me. To start my day off right I had a blueberry muffin and some milk. It was an ambrosial meal. For my morning snack I had some oatmeal raison cookies and also some milk. It made me a little triggered to eat though because Skyler refused to eat anything that whole unfertile day and poor Adriana was sick to her stomach. 
One thing that I learned today is that may you do well in the things you do and may the world see good in you. 
 

6/29/30
Running like the wind, the soft and billowed air rushed across my face. The wolves howl at the shining moon and my legs start to run faster. I could feel my adrenaline rising and rising with every immense step that I even took. Grumbling from the pain in my abdomen, I kept on running and ignored the fact that I had skipped my cruel and inept dinner. The last time that I had eaten was at 1:00 and now it was 9:00, I didn’t care at all though. I knew that I was going to wake up tomorrow at least two pounds lighter than the day before.
Today for breakfast I had bananas and half of an egg sandwich. For snack I had a boundless bowl of trail mix. I felt very guilty after I finished it though. For lunch I had hummus and veggies, and half of a roast beef sub. My mouth was on fire from all of the pepper. I felt accusable from Ana after I had this divine meal. It was just so big and full of calories. For my afternoon snack I had trail mix…Again. I could have trail mix spontaneously forever. For dinner I had sausage, mini potatoes, an omelet, and a mini blueberry muffin. For future references get the waffle instead. The omelet was distasteful because it was drenched in butter. I am just going to pray that tomorrow brings me a definite better day.

6/30/14

Negative thoughts are extremely hard to turn into positive thoughts. Sometimes we reject the positives without even knowing that we have. The world is just spinning on its axis so much.
Today for breakfast I had granola, fruit, milk, and juice. After this I went on a serene morning walk and the clouds surged above. For my morning snack I had a granola bar and some dried fruit. For my group I drew my body on a piece of paper. I drew what I thought that I looked like. The poster girl looked fat and ugly. Then my counselor traced my body onto another piece of paper. I looked like a stick. It was the exact opposite of the drawing that I drew. For lunch I had half of grilled cheese and a small drink of boost. I didn’t really want the tomatoes soup because soup really upsets my stomach. For my afternoon snack I had trail mix. It was very easy because I have basically had it every single day that I have been in this reluctant hell hole. For dinner I had salmon, snap peas, bread, brown rice, and an oatmeal raisin cookie. This is the most horrific meal that I have ever had. I just want to go home!  For my night snack I had half a granola bar and almonds. I hope that tomorrow will bring me hope for a much better ingenious day.

7/1/14

The reflection of the rainbow in the mirror soothes my body. The colors are radiant and diverse. I can imagine myself sliding down it and coming off of the rainbow with colors on my skin. In the background the tulips are growing and in their buds getting ready to burst open. Creating a ingenious sight in my mind, I wish that this is where I was right now. 
I cried when I woke up this morning, but I also knew that it wasn’t going to make the day better. I drove over to the treatment center and sat down for breakfast at 8:10. My meal consisted of half a bagel, peanut butter, and bananas. After this I met the new girl. Her name is Rosie (my favorite name) and she is 11 years old. It was very inviting to meet someone new close to me, of course though we are going to be two years apart by tomorrow because I am turning 13 on July second. After the day slowly passes we become close to each other.
For my morning snack I had an illimitable bowl of trail mix. As the day went on I made a poster called “My Emotion Door” in one of our groups. The emotion door consisted of the phrase, “You are beautiful” at the top. Inside the door were the words beauty and loving. I had a key outside of the poster and the only way to unlock the door and get to the key was to reach recovery.
For lunch I had half of a veggie burger, potato salad, and yogurt covered pretzels.
My group after this was tutoring. In tutoring I read a book and made Fourth of July decorations. For my afternoon snack I had granola bar and dried fruit. The dried fruit was gruesome because the texture was very whimsical. For dinner I had a small grilled cheese and six ounces of a drink of juice. To finish my day off I got a good night of sleep.

 
7/2/14

While I whisk away, the small flame flickers back and forth, while I think of a simple wish to make. The flame gets ready and I blow out the candle with a spontaneous wish that would not come true for a while. I wished that I was bone skinny.
Today I got up and I wished myself a happy birthday. I am officially 13 years old. For breakfast I had a waffle, sausage, milk, and grapes. For my morning snack I had banana bread and milk. For my volunteer work today I went to a hospital for disabled children. Many kids could not even see, talk, or walk, so it made me very sad to watch the kids go, but in a way I am just like them and they are just like me.  For lunch I had half of a chicken sandwich, a roll, and yogurt. After this I played some volleyball and it was a really fun birthday game. For my afternoon snack I had some trail mix. For my next group of the afternoon a traced my foot onto a piece a paper and I explained what it was like for me to walk in other people’s shoes. For dinner I had spinach chicken, pecan salad, rice, and a lemon bar with a candle in it. For my night snack I had a granola bar with some cashews. My family came to visit me at the end of the day and I opened up a lot of presents and that truly made my day, when I saw the smiles on my family’s faces.  

7/3/14

So full, but yet so sad. I can’t do this inept process anymore, but I know that I have to. I wish that my anorexia journey was completely over. It’s still here though, each day the worst before the next.
  Today for breakfast I had oatmeal, raisins, and sour soy milk. For my morning snack I had a slice of banana bread and a cup of apple juice. After this I had a family therapy group. For lunch I went on a meal outing and we went to a sandwich deli. I had a bacon and lettuce sandwich. The outing was good because I got to get to see the real world for a little while. For my afternoon snack I had a granola bar with some apple juice. For my next group I did body image and explained what my paradox of myself was. Dinner was at 6:15 and it was horrific. I was appallingly and horrifically full. I was so scared. I thought that I was going to explode. I had a mashed potato, 6 slices of pork, green beans, a dinner roll, and a huge slice of key lime pie. They want me to gain weight, so I understand why they gave me this much food. We drove to Delmar and Rachel moved in as my new roommate. I had chocolate covered raisins as my night snack. My grandparents, twin sister, and mom visited for an hour, but it didn’t go so well because I was so immensely full. 
I cried so much that it was if there was a pool of water underneath my dead and fat bones. I’m ready for Ana to go away and I am ready now.

  
7/4/14

The numerous amount of fireworks goes on and off in my mind. An enormous light flickers in my small brown eyes. Fourth of July was finally here, but it wasn't enough for Ana. All she wanted was SKINNY!
Today for breakfast I had half of a peanut butter bagel and a banana. After this I went on a loathsome walk and I imagined shining lights in the sun. I had my morning snack after this and it consisted of a bowl of chocolate covered raisins. My group that I had today was nutrition, “the what if,” group. We discussed the canvass f what if we didn't go to a treatment center. For lunch I had a chef salad, dinner roll, and chocolate covered pretzels. After this everyone went outside and we tie-died pillow cases, bandannas, and socks for a fourth of July activity. My socks turned out to be gray, and my friends and I laughed for an hour about how awful our crafts looked. For my afternoon snack I had a slice of banana bread and one immense cup of apple juice. Ana did not like this one tiny bit. After this I played a friendly game of volleyball and decorated some pens. For dinner I had a grilled cheese and six ounces of butter pecan boost. When I got back to the Delmar house my family visited for an hour. We played a game called peaches to peaches. For my night snack I had a granola bar and some nuts. Now I am waiting for an ingenious smile to come across my torn apart face.   

7/5/14 

Enjoy every little thing that you love because sometimes they don’t last very long. My thoughts are reflecting with the instantaneous sun. Occasionally I want to make a fight, but I know that I will have to wait until Ana comes out.
Today for breakfast I had half of a blueberry muffin, half a cup of soy milk, and half a cup of refreshing water. I went on my morning walk at 9:00 and it was very hot outside. I picked some flowers and gave them to my counselor when I got back. For my morning snack I had cheesecake flavored ice cream and cashews. After this, for my two morning groups, I had yoga and music therapy. In my music therapy I made up a song and it was called “regret won’t last until it comes back.” For lunch I had a veggie wrap, chips, and cookie dough ice cream. For my afternoon snack I had yogurt covered pretzels. After this I went on an outing to “Build a Unicorn Workshop” with Rosie and Lauren. For my dinner I had fish tacos, cake, and corn. For my night snack I had trail mix. I t was a pretty good day, but to Ana no day is good unless you don’t eat. 

7/6/14

I can’t remember the last time that I could actually be alone, breathe, laugh, or even smile. Ana had completely and utterly taken over, and I had no time just too basically be me, my own person, and my true self. I can’t wait to recover and I can’t wait to move on with my soon to be ingenious life.
Today for breakfast I had an egg sandwich, mixed fruit, and a cup of water. After this I went on a forty five minute walk. We walked through a beautiful garden. This morning my parents and sisters took me to a botanical garden in St. Louis and it was alluring. For my morning snack I had chocolate covered raisons. I made name cards for each of my friends while we were eating and it said on each one, “The fire inside of you waits to escape.” For lunch I had a turkey burger, a salad, and trail mix. After this all of us went over to the family room to watch a video about a girl who had an eating disorder and is now recovered. For my afternoon snack I had apples and peanut butter. My parents came to visit me and we played a fun board game called peaches to peaches. After they left the girls and I went outside to a miscellaneous view and gossiped about our lives. For dinner I had grilled cheese, a bean soup, and mixed fruit. At the end of the day I wrote and listened patiently to my friend Rosie read me bible verses.

7/7/14

“Life over Ana” is a very inspirational book for me. It teaches me how to separate my good thoughts from my eating disorders bad thoughts. I have practiced some coping skills that help me with it and I have gotten better and better as the instantaneous days go on and on. Something that I am proud of myself today is finishing all of my scary meals.
Today for breakfast I had granola, soy milk, fruit, and juice. After this I took an hour long relaxing nap. I dreamed about being home and being me, the real me, Emma Louise Baumrucker not Ana. For my morning snack I had banana bread and apple juice. My groups from 10:30 to 12:30 were home and emotional group. For lunch I had a ham sub on rye bread, a salad, and chocolate covered raisons. After this I went to tutoring and then we danced and had lots of amounts of fun in dance therapy. For my afternoon snack I had cookie dough ice cream. For dinner I had pesto tortellini, cooked vegetables, a roll, and a brownie. For my night snack I had a white chocolate macadamia cookie and cashews. One thing that I would like to accomplish tomorrow is to not look at myself in the mirror all day long.

7/8/14  

Some days are bad and some days are good, but it’s good to think of the little things you make into mistakes into things that will make you stronger as the rough days go on and on.
Today I woke up at 6:30 and drover over to the adolescent side at the treatment center to have breakfast. For breakfast I had a bagel with peanut butter and bananas. After this I went on a serene morning walk with all of the other beautiful adolescents. For my reluctant morning snack I had chocolate covered raisons. My morning therapy groups were checking in and sleep and draw. I drew a volcano representing all of the inept feelings that I have going through my head. For lunch I had a sandwich with turkey and cheese on it, fruit, pretzels, and yogurt. This is the most terrifying meal that I have ever had here at the treatment center. They gave me real yogurt and my stomach burned and hurt for the rest of the day. I didn’t want to eat any of my other meals. After this I went to tutoring and learned about cells. For my snack I had apples and peanut butter. I am really scared right now though because I feel like I am about to throw up and I was not able to complete my snack. They counted it as an inept and scary refusal. For dinner I had Greek chicken, cheese, peppers, olives, pasta, onions, mushrooms, a rice crispy treat, and two ounces of boost.
After this I called my mom and told her about my snack refusal. What surprised me though is that they weren’t mad at me, at all. For my night snack I had apples and peanut butter. One thing that I accomplished today was only looking in the mirror once.

7/9/14 

When everything comes out alright, I seem to forget about my negative thoughts. My positive thoughts start to slowly outshine them and I start to slowly smile.
Today I woke up at 6:30 and got my vitals, temperatures, and weight. Then I got in the car and we drove over to the treatment center. I took a ten minute nap and then the “Babysitters” called us over to eat breakfast. For breakfast I had a waffle, bananas, soymilk, and sausage. After this I read in my book, “Life over Ana”, and talked to Rosie and Mattie. For my morning snack I had a bowl of yogurt covered pretzels. After this I went to a hospital and volunteered to make the kids happy. For lunch I had a chicken salad sandwich, a salad, and a small bowl of trail mix. Then I had a therapy session with my counselor. For my afternoon snack I had apples and peanut butter. My groups for the afternoon were psycho drama. In psycho drama I stood up to the person that had been mean to me for a while (it was imaginary) After this my friends and I went outside and told stories about our lives so that we could get to know each other better.
For dinner I had an eggroll, four slices of pork, rice, sugar snap peas, and one snicker doodle cookie. I am absolutely miserable right now. When I got back to the house that we stray in I took a nice long nap and a very relaxing shower. When I got out I changed into my pajamas and wrote in my bible journal. Of course though, I fell asleep during this ingenious time. One thing that I felt that I accomplished today was trying as hard as I can to give everyone nice compliments. For my night snack I had apples and peanut butter.
(I forgot to write this down early before I wrote in my bible journal).  

7/10/14

The bright side of things can be very happy, but at the same time extremely disappointing. My life is in desperate danger right now, but all I can think of is if I am going to get through the evicted day.
Today I woke up and had breakfast. For breakfast I had oatmeal, almonds, and soy milk. After this I had a very painful stomach ache and caught the fever from my friend that visited me the day before today. For my morning snack I had an iced oatmeal raison cookie and some milk. My groups for the morning were community and dance therapy. In community we pulled suggestions out of the suggestion box. After this we had horrific lunch and I had six California rolls, rice, and a salad. I almost threw up after this immense meal. After this “daunting” meal I went to tutoring. In tutoring we played some board games and then watched the Ellen show, my favorite by the way. After this I had my afternoon snack, which was trail mix. My afternoon group was experimental body image group with Laura. For dinner I had a vegetable melt, with a salad, and some lemon pie. Sadly I threw up after this disgusting meal. For my night snack I refused. I am scared for what tomorrow will bring.

7/11/14

It is best to just accept the past for the way it is and move on. Forget about the future and just worry about the present and what will happen tomorrow.
Today for breakfast I had a bagel with peanut butter and bananas. After this I went on a morning walk and enjoyed the serene view. Then I met with my doctor and we talked about adding another medicine to my big plate of pills. It was very nerve wrecking though because some medicines cause me to be dizzy and not act like myself. For my morning snack I had a granola bar with cashews. After this I met with Alexis and we discussed my outing for tomorrow. My afternoon groups were CBT group and we discussed what our goals are for tomorrow. For lunch I had a peanut butter sandwich, pretzels, and six ounces of butter pecan boost. After this I went to art therapy. I painted a beautiful quote on a canvas, “Look forward, not back.” For my afternoon snack I had a bowl of trail mix. After this I went to nutrition group and learned about how to eat healthy while eating out. After this I went to yoga and we did a practice called digestion yoga. For dinner I had a barbecue chicken breast, coleslaw, corn, and a slice of jell-o pretzel salad. After this I went to the Delmar house and waited patiently for my parents to visit. We played a couple of card games and talked. For my night snack I had apples and peanut butter. One thing that I think that I accomplished today is being positive throughout treatment helps in the journey to recovery and to eat all of my meals and snacks. I am also confronting my therapist with my problems and telling my honest opinion about treatment to her. I have been dragging my feet along this hard and instantaneous journey, but I am promising myself that I will recover before the summer ends.

7/12/14

The sun sets along the tranquil ocean and the clouds high above crest and float away. A tiny green flash can be seen from the corner of my eye and the seagulls call to me. It’s beautiful, what the nature really can do.
Waking up with a startle, I get up and look at myself in the mirror. I really wish that I could just stop gaining so much weight.
For breakfast I had half of an immense blueberry muffin and some milk. I feel very bulging after I eat this, but sadly there is nothing that I can possibly do about it. After this I went on my morning walk. Our route was around the park and it felt amazing when the sun’s rays hit my face. For my morning snack I had trail mix. For my morning groups I had writing, and yoga which was very calming. Writing always seems like a way of getting my emotions out, and it really did seem to help me today. For lunch I had a grilled cheese and four ounces of boost. After this I went to an activity called family day. At family day we asked questions to the parents of kids with an eating disorder and they ask questions to us. I learned something new and that was that not all families with a daughter with an eating disorder support their children as well as mine do. For my afternoon snack I had yogurt covered pretzels. Straight after this I went on an outing with my parents. First we went to the apartment that my parents rented and the view from the top of the porch was prodigious. Then we went to the salon and I got a pedicure and a manicure. For dinner I went to C.J Mugs. I ordered a cheese and turkey Panini with coleslaw. We went back to the Delmar house and played a game called Hit or Miss. When my parents left I had my night snack which was apples with peanut butter. Now I am thoughtfully and peacefully writing in my journal. One thing that I think that I achieved today was speaking out loud with an audience watching. 

7/13/14

Love can keep us alive, warm, and thankful, but hate can keep us dead, cold, and regretful, so think twice and choose love over atrocious and evil hate.
When the moon came down and the sun went up, I drove over to the treatment center to start my day off. For breakfast I had half of a bagel with peanut butter and bananas. After this I went on my morning walk and saw some really cute dogs. The dog was beautiful and it actually reminded me of my dog Cassie at home and it made me tear up a bit. For my morning snack I had a granola bar and cashews. After this I had family systems. In family systems I wrote a letter to my dad. Next, I had lunch, and for lunch I had a fancy grilled cheese, vegetables with ranch, and ice-cream. After this I had group therapy with Laura. We talked about what life would be like if we never had an eating disorder. For my afternoon snack I had Ben and Jerry’s ice cream. I was very excited because right after my afternoon snack my mom and dad came to visit me. We talked and hugged for about two hours, but sadly they had to leave. After this I made a tiny poster and it said, “Look beyond the mind.” For dinner I had pork, rice, green beans, a roll, and fruit pizza.

After this I went back to Delmar and took a luxurious shower. I put on my pajamas and then I was called to the table for my night snack. For my night snack I had apples and peanut butter. Next, I went to the community room and hung out with my good friends, Rosie and Skyler. I went to my room and read, but eventually, I deliberately and peacefully fell asleep.

7/14/14

The rain pours in, in a never ending cycle.  I dwell with the stabbing pain in my stomach. There was nothing that someone could possibly do to help me with the elongated pain.
Today for breakfast I had granola, apples, milk, and juice. I went on a walk through the neighborhoods for thirty minutes after I had my breakfast. It was so refreshing outside and I felt so happy when I got back. For my morning snack I had an oatmeal raison granola bar with cashews. My morning group was emotions group. We talked about what we would do if are ingenious and sometimes very prudent and inept emotions went completely out of control. My second morning group was home and I checked in about how my week and day was going. For lunch I had chicken salad sandwiches, vegetables and hummus, yogurt covered granola bites, and a water melon wedge (my favorite). After lunch I had a therapy session with my doctor, but what a catastrophe it was when my reflux triggered and I threw up in her trash can.

I can’t pretend anymore. I need immense amounts of help. After this I had a session with my therapist, and she said I was gaining weight, but just not as fast as she would like it to be. For my afternoon snack I had a granola bar with raisons. My third group of the day was dance therapy. As funny as it was, we all fell asleep to a meditation after dance therapy. For dinner I had a grilled cheese sandwich, fruit, and six ounces of boost. After this I went on a field trip to target and got a journal for myself and nail polish for Rosie and Skyler. For my annoying night snack I had trail mix. One thing that I want to work on tomorrow is to focus more clearly on recovery.
  

7/15/14

If you fall down, get back up. Don’t stop, just move on. Accept yourself for who you are, not for what you look like.
Today for breakfast I had a peanut butter bagel, with banana slices. I called my therapist at home and we talked on the phone prudently for a little while.  Jessie and I (Direct Care) had a very disputatious argument about how to eat a sandwich properly (so stupid!). After this I went on my morning walk and on the walk I picked a few flowers from someone’s yard (Shhh! don’t tell anyone). For my morning snack I had banana bread with one cup of juice. After this I went to home group and checked in insubordinately about my rough times. My next group was sleep and draw and we tested our five senses in this group. For lunch I had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with six ounces of bloodcurdling boost. I met with Alexis after this and I got an annoying increase in my deficient meal plan. After this I did tutoring and in torturing I did math and then wrote in my journal. My afternoon snack was yogurt covered pretzels. My next group was experiential ED group. In this group I focused more clearly on what my goals in life are going to be when I get older.
For dinner I had three slices of pork, a sweet potato, a chick pea salad, green beans, and cookie cake. My stomach really did not agree to this meal. After dinner, my dad visited me at the Delmar house. He had a huge surprise for me and told me that I am going to move down to ten hour tomorrow. That means that instead of living at the treatment center I am going to be sleeping at my mom’s apartment in St. Louis that she rented. I am so exited!! Being able to see my mom every day will just make me so much happier than I am right now. For my night snack I had chocolate covered raisons. Now I am journaling. I hope that I will dream of recovery. Something that I want to accomplish tomorrow is to be less sad and think about how all of the fun things in my instantaneous life outnumber the negative things.  

7/17/14

I weep and despondent tears flow down my cheeks. Prison is the word that comes to my mind. The pain that I am in right now I would like to replace with happiness and joy.
  Today I woke up at my mom’s new rented apartment and had breakfast. For breakfast I had granola, fruit, milk, and juice. After this I went to the St. Louis arch on a morning walk with my wrong. It was very ingenious and admirable. When I looked up I imagined myself as a capsize figure on top of the immense famous arch.
After this my mom and I drove to the treatment center and she dropped me off. For some reason it was very hard for me to let my mom go. When I got in the doors they took me to the weight room and I got a glimpse of my weight. I wasn’t happy with it, at all. For my morning snack I had yogurt covered pretzels with a cup of delicious green tea. My first group was pervaded by community group. For my outing this week Rosie, Skyler, and I chose Swing around Fun Time. It is a really fun golf, go-carting, and gaming place.
My next group was coping skills and I learned how to cope with anxiety before and after meals. For lunch I went on a meal outing with Abby and Rosie to First Watch, a breakfast restaurant. I got an avocado and bacon omelet. After this I went to tutoring and Candice and I took an outing to Kirkwood community garden. For my afternoon snack I had two oatmeal raison cookies and a cup of apple juice. My next group was with Laura and we checked in about how all of our days were going. For dinner I had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, with six ounces of boost. After this I went back to my mom’s apartment and I took a nice, warm, and relaxing shower. For my night snack I had chocolate covered raisons. Then I went to bed and it was lights out for me. Goodnight. ;)

10/15/14

I know that I haven’t been writing a lot in my journal lately, but I lot has been going on since the last time a reluctantly wrote. I got out of treatment and it had been absolutely wonderful since then. I really miss all of my friends at the treatment center, but I know that I will see all of their ingenious faces soon. I am really suffering with grades though because of my absence at school. Ana (anorexia) has been bugging me so much about how much prettier and skinnier I was before I went to the treatment center. By now though, I will do whatever to recover both mentally and physically.
Today I had parent teacher conferences, (I want abs!!!) little off topic there. Ha-ha. I was just thinking about how much I want to be muscular and in shape. Since I left the treatment center I have a new hobby…. Rock climbing! I can already feel my muscles getting stronger and toned and I have already met so many friendly boys and girls my age at the gym for rock climbing. Got to go, I have to eat my aggravating snack.

10/16/14

The waves crash against my feet and I can hear the serene siren’s song through my ears. A slight smile appears on my face and I casually dive into the billowed water. At the bottom of the waves I become face to face with my true love.
My day started out with going to school. I had an interesting talk with my counselor this afternoon and she taught me ten ways to boost my self esteem. I also went out with my family for dinner and we had pizza (huge fear food). All I really know right now though is that recovery really truly is possible. I’m trying to right something that I like about myself each day in my journal so, for starters I’ll just say one right now. I like my determination that I put into life each day. My determination makes me who I am today. If I didn’t have determination I probably wouldn’t be here right now. Determination is what made you pick up my book and read it.
Good night!

10/18/14

Sometimes even the pretty girls who seem to have perfect lives have rough spots in their cycles at times. As the wind flows across my face a sly smile spreads across my mouth. No one knows that I should’ve been declared dead that day (if I never went to a treatment center).
Today was a complete and straight-out mess. I am starving right now and I think that I might be relapsing. I know that seems scary to say, but everyone has called themselves fat before. It’s just me facing this big, bad world, alone, afraid, and scared. I don’t know if I will ever find a home for my scary and frightening thoughts and mind to stay in, but maybe their home is me.
One thing that I like about myself today is my beautiful long hair. If I never went to a treatment center my hair would be gone. When you starve yourself for long periods of time your hair will start to fall out.

10/22/14

Today was a hard day. Barley getting any sleep last night, I had to sleep in longer and stay home from school. I tricked my mom because when I got home I worked out to a thirty minute abs workout instead of sleeping. I feel really guilty about that. I plan on telling my mom when she gets home and I did. Also, I was going to go the whole day without drinking any water and I did, so it made me feel really guilty. I really hope that recovery sill has a place for me in its little town.
I am going to youth group tonight and it’s a pizza party, which I am not looking forward to at all. I am planning on not eating any because pizza is filled with too many calories. I am planning on trying to have a better day tomorrow; hopefully, it will be better than this week has been. I am trying to just focus on the good things that happen to me in my beautiful life, not the bad things.
One thing that I like about myself today is my intelligence. I have great grades so I am going to take that as me having a personality trait of being smart.

10/23/14

“The waves rush against my reluctant arms and legs and I hear a scrimp lullaby being sung nearby. I cry in pain from not being close to my ingenious family, but my scanty and quaint whimper cannot be heard from anywhere nearby. As an hour passes I moan from pain, for the reluctant and limp girl did not want to be anywhere closer to shame.
With my hands in the air, I pray for forgiveness for what had to be done. My long brown hair and serene brown eyes shine in the sun. Pending for days, in which days turned into weeks, and weeks into months, and months into years and I wondered if I would ever be with my family and friends instantaneously again.”
  And so it is a goodbye…
   And I put the pen down.

  
 
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