March 28, 2012 12:24 p.m.
The image was embroidered into my mind. I could not forget it even if i wanted to, it was all too much. The sirens blaring into the night watching the red trucks pull up and flood my house with men in yellow suits with hard hats. People rushing me out to sit on the curb and lastly watching my mom go to the hospital while I just sat there on the curb with the E.M.T. shining a light in eyes and my mind going blank. Of course now it was of no use to sit and try to remember every little thing that threw me off of my course that night.
I can’t help but think of all the things i was supposed to be doing but I couldn’t think of a good enough reason as to why i should be doing them either. Truth is, sitting here in the hospital chair for that last three days has been the most quiet time I have gotten since 5th grade camp in Indiana. I was here for my mom, she has had a lot of smoke going into her lungs and really fast. I couldn’t help but feel just a little selfish that this was actually benefiting me. It was nice to get away from all the A.P. science homework and the advanced british literature homework. Sometimes it was all a bit much.
I think the real reason I am enjoying being here so much is because I cannot face going home and looking through all the broken burnt things that will never be replaced. My home, the one place I could find refuge was gone. All of it, from the ugly green carpet in the living room to the grease stained kitchen ware that needed a good cleaning. But most of all I won’t be able to go home and see that picture of me and my grandpa sitting on my nightstand next to my hairbrush and a coffee cup. I wouldn’t be able to reminisce the memories that me and grandpa had. He was my rock, my home and my place of safety. Where when I looked at that picture I felt as though he was right there with me smiling back to those times when it was just me and him awake and we would go downstairs and split a piece of grandma’s famous apple pie. Boy do I miss those days. But the past is the past and now in the time where we make new memories and let others reminisce our times together.

March 28, 2012 4:15 p.m.
They finally let me in to see my mom around three thirty or so. Although it wasn’t the great reunion i was hoping for. Its hard to walk in through the door and see someone you love and care for, just laying out on a bed hooked up to what seems like a million different machines. She looks helpless. But that wasn’t even the worst part the worst part was the erie unwelcome feeling the room gave you. it was everything from the stale smell to the giant lump i got in my throat that made me unable to breathe, to the sounds of the many clicking machines and that noise of my mothers oxygen was the loudest. I would have never even imagined that my mom would be using oxygen at this age, maybe not even when she was older. i guess not everything is the way that we plan or envision it.
After we waited for about an hour or so my mom didn't wake up, and the doctor told us to leave. so that takes us here to my grandma’s house. I can tell that our visit is no surprise to her. She had a fresh bedspread laid out in the guest room for me. And she made a small pallet on the floor of grandpa’s old tv room. I didn’t like to go in there much because it reeked of cigars and peanut brittle. oh how grandpa loved his peanut brittle.


March 29, 2012 7:26 a.m.
Last night was probably the least sleep i have gotten in a long time. i was awakened by the sound of my father crying late into the night.I could clearly illustrate an image in my mind of what he looked like. It was hard for me to see or hear my dad like this. There are very few times that i've seen him cry before, and when he does its like the world has ended and there is no way he can get back to society. his nose sort of wrinkles up and his face turns a flushed pale color and it take a while for color to return to his skin. The work part is when the itty bitty tears start to slowly trickle down past his nose and then into the crease of his lips. My dad had never really cried a sob before and to be honest i don't think i could handle it if he did. this was a lot of stress on him, with no place to live missing a week of work already and no wife to vent or confide in. As for me i needed a friend. i needed my best friend. but she was with her family in toronto this weekend so she had no knowledge of my situation. She had no idea that i needed her now more than ever. I need her to come over and just hug me. I needed to smell the scent of her father’s bakery in her jacket. And most of all i need her to tell me that everything is gonna be okay, that nothing else will change in my life again. But i know she can’t do anything about that right now. My situation was all on me. but i just can’t seem to get the sound of those sirens out of my head. It was like a constant alarm reminding me of that night.


March 31, 2012 3:20 p.m.
Here i am back at the hospital ,still waiting for my mom to wake up. before i didn’t worry that much but now its pretty much all i think about. When will she wake up? what if she doesn’t wake up? what will life be like without my mom? The thought of that just gives me chills, and even more so the fact that could be a reality soon is gut wrenching. My dad says that whatever happens we will be okay. I want to believe him i really do but its hard because i know whats going on. I know that we don’t have a house anymore. i know that if she doesn’t wake up soon, she may never wake up. And worst of all i know that my whole life is slowly crashing and burning like our house on March 25, 2012.
On the bright side of today’s note Natalie, my best friend, gets back tomorrow! It might sound bad that i am excited to see her, or that i am excited to do anything anymore but we need to talk i need her to help me through this. And my dad is arranging with her dad for me to stay there during the week so i can still go to school, and have a life. But just until my mom is back on her feet and we have at least a small home closer to my school..


March 31, 2012 8:30 p.m.
grandma made turkey for dinner tonight. This was the first good food i had eaten in a long time. It was wonderful, i can’t even begin to describe to you. the smell of the freshly baked meat, and the taste and i chomped and swallowed each bite with as much power and control as i could. Because that was just it, food was the only thing about my life that i could control anymore. The only thing that makes me feel like i have a say. I can decide to eat it, or i can decide not to eat it. I can decide how big of a bite i want to take and best of all i can decide what it is that i want to eat. There are too many things in my life that i am out of control of. Like how my house was gone in a matter of minutes, like how my mom isn’t conscious anymore, like how my dad is completely flaking out on me in the times i need him the most. He is shutting down on me, i can’t have him go to. It’s like they are both gone and there is nothing i can do about. i have my grandma and natalie and thats it, thats all i have to make it through this. through the pain the confusion the tears the anger and worst of all the sirens i just can’t seem to shake.


April 2, 2o12 3:30 p.m.
I went back to school today. it was different, a weird kind of different. not bad, not good, but different. all the teachers just looked at me and apologized asking about my mother, and asking how i was doing. they were giving me pity, and i’m not gonna lie, i liked it. At a time like this pity is what made it seem okay, it made it seem like the lump in my throat isn’t going away because i am supposed to be upset. it makes all the anger and pain and tears feel like they are right. but the looks all the students gave me were not looks of pity they were looks of empathy. i don’t understand their reasoning for that look from them. Do they know what its like to lose your whole life in a matter of seconds. To lose your mom, dad, house and have to live somewhere else, and have to ask for everything, just simply because nothing is familiar anymore. I remembered walking into the cafeteria as it got silent and smelling the stale old bread. And the sound of the pans in the kitchen being rustled around and put back. i just wanted all the silence all the looks all the words of pity i wanted it all to stop. right then and there i just wanted to scream i’m fine! I don’t think this is going to be easy in the least for me. Everyday i will have to face the silence, the pity, just life in general. Hoping that it does get better.

April 3, 2012 6:15 a.m.
Okay so i am seriously hoping for today to be a better day. No more silence no more pity, im just going to walk in there and act like nothing even happened. Like my life is exactly the same, well for the most part anyway. I don’t normally enter and leave with Natalie by my side, but what choice do i have.

April 3, 2012 4:45 p.m.
Today went good, well it went better than yesterday. In algebra we had to learn more about inequalities, the same boring crap we were learning about before my mini break. which was a little weird because we normally don’t take more than one week on a section of the book, and this was what a week a two days? Maybe everyone took a little mini break too. No not possible because in physics we were learning about something i have no clue about. which is weird because science is my best subject. well other than dance, dancing is my way to get a break from the word my way to make peace with what’s happening. And for the first time since that, today in dance i was warming up a routine and the sirens went away. it was like nothing even mattered. like nothing could even compare to the feeling i got when i grand Plied down and hopped the only person i can get a fresh start with. she is the only one at this school-besides a few stoners- that doesn’t know what's happened to me. Natalie invited her over to do homework with us after school, she said she has to call her mom but i really hope she can come. I like getting to know new people. It gives me an exhilarating feeling, of making someone feel welcome. I’ve never been a new kid at a school or anywhere for that matter, but i have always wanted to make them feels a cozy as possible, and hope that they will do the same for the next new person that comes along. But with Karen i didn't have to tell her anything. she just came up and started talking to me, i was actually really shocked. Most of the new people around here don't make an effort to talk to anyone first. They don't join clubs or go to dances but Karen i could tell she was used to being the new girl. we exchanged numbers at lunch, she has a really cool phone! its touchscreen and it looks expensive. It made me wonder if her family had money. i knew it was a ridiculous thing to think about. because even if i wanted my dad would never accept money from another man ever. it was a pride thing, or maybe it was just a man thing. I had never seen any of the men in my dads family take money from anyone, i wonder why. if you needed the help then why not just take it, you know?
April 6, 2012 12:30
Today has been really great i went to the hospital to see mom, and she was awake. It was almost a tear jerking moment. But i'm not much of a cryer.. but its okay because i was just happy to see my mom. we didn't stay for long, because the doctor didn't want us to overwhelm her and MY DAD DIDN'T TELL HER ANYTHING ABOUT THE WHAT WAS HAPPENING. nOT THAT SHE NEEDED TO BE BOMBARDED WITH ALOT OF STUFF. i MEAN SHE JUST WOKE UP after about a week and a half of sleep. It was slowly but surely getting better, and I wasn't the only one who could tell.. My dad was coming back to us more and more each day! Hi bid offered him some extra shifts to make up the money for a small place and he stopped by to visit me and mom everyday with a smile on his face! I don't know what's gotten into him but I like it and I hope it stays!

April 6, 2012 9:26 p.m.
Karen ended up coming over today to do homework, and it was a lot of fun! And she is really good at algebra. SHe was able to help me and natalie with our assignment, she also showed us an easier way to do them. You just have to keep the variable on the left, so you graph it the way you read it. After we finished our homework Karen still had a couple of hours, so we watched the blind side. I always liked that movie, i never really knew why, but i guess it was just seeing him go from having nothing to a new home a new family and a new life. It made me think this time while i was watching it, that if he could start over maybe i could too. It was then and there that i decided that all the negative thoughts all the unwelcoming feelings, they were done. From here on out i was going to just focus on getting my life back. Becoming the person, the family and the personality we all created before the fire had happened.
April 7, 2012 7:30 a.m.
Today i was ready to face the day with my new attitude, all positive must cancel out the negative. I made that quote last night with Natalie, when i told her that i was planning on changing my attitude. She was all for it. Just like i thought she would be! It makes me happy that I have someone that i know i can count on to be there to pick me up when i feel crappy, Or when they serve sloppy joe at lunch and i get sick from the over salty meat- i mean seriously that stuff tasted like the ocean. But the best part was now i had two people i could count on. I think that Natalie will be happier too, because now i don't have to vent all of my problems to her anymore, so she can have a break. Sometimes i feel like if i talk to her too much about my feeling and my problems then she won't care anymore. This is another reason why i think karen would be a great fit for our friendship, she seems easy to talk to. I mean first we will have to develop some way to trust each other, but i can tell that won't take long. Karen doesn't seem like the type to go around and spread other peoples buisness. I wonder sometimes if thats really who she is or if she just puts on that front so people will think that shes chill. I don't really know a whole lot about pretending to be someone or something that you're not. Mostly because all the people around me are the people that i have known for my whole life.
April 7, 2012 6:30 p.m.
Today i went with my dad to a couple of small apartment places with cheap rent. I had never lived in an apartment, when natalie FIrst moved to town she lived In an apartment. But the one she lived in looked nothing like these ones. Hers had a private guest room with a bathroom attached to it. when i first came over i remembered admiring how everything went together in that guest room. Seriously though, the had coordinating everything. but it wasn't done in an annoying same color pattern way. they did it in a whole color scheme, the bedspread was white with a hint of lavender accents to it. I hadn't even noticed the lavender specs until i woke up the morning after our sleepover. And her shower was made with perfectly placed tiles. which wasn't even the best part. The best part was the big bathtub with the jets surrounding in the inside layers of the tub. These apartments looked nothing like her old one. No spacious foyer when you enter the room, no private guest bedrooms. nothing not even a dreamy bathtub. or big bed to snuggle up in. But i guess it was something. A place to call home, but i was ashamed of it. You're not supposed to be ashamed of, it was the one place where you felt comfortable no matter who or what was there. I don't think someone should ever be ashamed of there house.
April 8, 2012 9:30 a.m.
I am supposed to go to the mall with karen this afternoon. I was surprised That my dad said i could go, and i was even more schocked that he gave me a whole 40 dollars to spend. NOrmally when i go to the mall with Natalie he gives me more, but considering our situation right now 40 dollars was a lot. It was more than he gave my brother when he was in high school. And back then things were a lot cheaper.
I wondered what kind of stores that karen went into, i mean she wore cute clothes and seemed to have a good fashion sense. But i didn't want to be too sure about where we were going. Because what if i said i wanted to go to American apparel but shes really more of a Urban outfitters kind of person? you know? i was hoping she wasn't an urban outfitters girl, because right now i didn't even have enough money with me to dream about shopping there. Don't get me wrong i normally shop in there all the time, but like i said lately things have been tough. I guess I should stop saying normally because this is my new normal. And i was happy to have Karen and Natalie in it. It was nice to go shopping with someone other than Natalie or my mom. My mom just tells me to go get stuff for her the whole time. And Natalie goes into the same stores every time. And she even gets the same thing to eat every time. Which of course meant that i too ate the same thing every time. Went into the same stores every time. And now looking back on it i don't know why? If it had been anyone else i would have left them alone and went into the stores i wanted to go into. I guess it was because i felt privileged that she was my friend, or that she would even consider hanging out with me. um... back up into my side aerial switch leap combo. I hadn’t been able to do that combo, but today was different i was hungry and determined to get that move. It was then i realized that anything life throws at me, even my situation that i’m in now, i can do it i can get through this. with or without the people reassuring me or the materialistic memories comforting me. But when it was all said and done the period ended and we came back to reality, i realized that i do need people to reassure me every once in a while. And the memories definitely help. They remind me that i can get back to that place if needed and that i can work toward regaining the control over my life.
April 9, 2012 4:30 p.m.
SHopping was fun, a lot more fun than i planned on it being. Karen was a really spontaneous person, and i loved it. Any other person would be embarrassed to be seen with her doing the crazy things she does but not me! I liked how she pushed the rules and tampered with the way people felt but best of all i liked that she craved the attention. She longed to be that one girl everyone noticed and most importantly she went for it. I don't know if its possible for everyone to love her, but she’s definitely got their attention.
Everything was going great and we even got some mooshoo pork from the chinese place by JCPenney. BUt while we were sitting there sharing our meal she got really serious, And i knew that the one thing i didn't want to talk about was about to come up. SHe asked me why i lived with Natalie. It took some time to find the right words to say without breaking down right there in the mall food court. But eventually they came and it was the best way i could think to put it. I simply told her that my parents were vacationing in Hawaii for a couple of weeks so im slumming it with Natalie. But she didn't buy it. I don't think even i would have bought that excuse coming from me. But that conversation ending then because we saw a really cute guy. I had seen him before around school or maybe at the mall with Natalie but i knew i had seen him before. No one not even a blind person could for those eyes! Oh my god how hey sparkled and i couldn’t help but stare. They were the color of an emerald stone but bluer and greener. i And before i knew me and karen were walking up to him and he wasn't walking away. He actually met us in halfway. I didn't know this before but Karen was friends with him. She just walked right on up to him and was like hey Blaine! like they had been friends forever. But i knew that couldn't be true Karen had just moved to town. And then in that moment he looked at me with his icy emerald eyes. And light brown curly locks of hair. Maybe to someone else he might look geeky but to me he was perfect. he had the air the eyes and it seemed like the brain too. But the one thing i didn't have was words. he was standing right there saying hi and i was at a loss for words! how could this have happened not now not here not in front of Blaine. Luckily Karen came to my rescue she told him i had lost my voice at our sleepover last night. ANd after that they talked for a few minutes and he wished me well. And well that was it. We went on with our shopping. AND she dropped me off at home. WHile we were in her car waiting for the light to change i gotta feeling that i needed to tell her what was happening to me. That she would get it and understand what i'm going through. SO i did i gave her an ear full. ANd i was right she even told me that she moved here because her dad and mom divorced and she needed a fresh start with everyone. She apologized for making me uncomfortable but i just thanked her in return. I thanked her because she allowed me to tell her that information. SHe allowed me to be able to open up and free myself from the stuff that i've been afraid to tell anyone. I've been afraid to tell Natalie, my dad, and my mom. And i told my mom everything.
April 10, 2012 3:30 p.m.
After that night i felt refreshed, like i had truly let go of who i used to be. And it actually freed up my thoughts. I didn't really realize how much i thought about it until now. And this proved that no matter how much i denied wanting to talk about this with Natalie’s mother, that i did want to talk about it. And i did want to let go of all the thoughts in my head and just be clear minded. But it seemed like even now i wasn't gonna get that. Being able to open up to Karen wasn't the only thing that stuck out on our shopping trip. I couldn't get Blaine out of my head. OH my god what a dreamy name Blaine I couldn't think of a better name for someone who had eyes like that. But i knew it would only be a couple of dreams and hopes. Because someone like that would never go for a girl like me. AT least thats how it always went with me. They seemed interested then if i pushed forward they would always and indefinitely pull back. I didn't get it back then but now being older and watching other girls act the same way i do. I get it. I see that they think i'm crazy. WHich is probably true i mean no other girl would jump before they knew for sure he liked them. or at least they thought they were sure.
April 30, 2012 5:15 p.m.
I’m sorry that i have been gone for so long, and as different as it seems my life is getting better. They are rebuilding my house and right now we are staying in a hotel. Its not the ideal living situation but i works and thats perfectly fine with me. But thats not even the best part me and Blaine have been going out for a couple of weeks now. Thats how i'm staying at the hotel. His dad is the manager and he was able to give us a room at half price. most people would be embarrassed to ask for help from their peers in shame. i figure if you need the help then why not take it? And in some strange way i feel like nothing can bring me down anymore. well besides maybe an algebra test or two. but even then i would feel like i could conquer it. After that day when Karen and i talked something clicked, i still can't quite put my finger on it but it happened and it has made all the difference. My whole demeanor changed about pretty much everything. And now i'm even better than i was before, i made the schools elite dance team, my grades are improving. And that's thanks to Blaine, he seems to be a wiz in everything but dance. So we made an agreement he tutors me in school and i teach him hip hop. Hes actually not that bad, he has a great sense of rhythm, and he catches on quick. the only problem we come across is he is really stiff, so were working on that.
May 1, 2012 6:45 p.m.
i just got home from what has to be the best date ever. I mean going to football games and watching him play soccer is cool and all but he took me out to dinner. That's saying a lot for boys now days. They usually just take you out to a movie and call you're their girlfriend to make you happy. But blaine, oh boy where do i start he makes me so happy. He gets it, he makes an effort to make sure i'm happy not so everyone else sees but so he knows that i'm okay. ok SO Back to the story, he took me to this small italian place. it looked like a family owned business may be owned by his family i don't know but he reserved this small little table on the back patio for us. there were candles and roses. It was so sweet i would have never guessed something like this from him.
May 15, 2012 3:15
Unfortunately this will have to be my last journal entry. I am out of pages and i don't have all the time in the world to write anymore. But i wanna end on a good note by thanking you, for helping me through this. If i didn't have you to talk to then i would still be in a place where i got those looks of pity and i felt bad even for myself. if i wasn't able to write down all my feelings in you then i wouldn't have been able to open up and let blaine and karen in. And i owe so much to karen for that. I hope she realizes that i am forever in debt to her for that, i know that she went through a similar thing before she moved here and i hope that someone was there for her like i will be here waiting for her to need me as much as i needed her.
May 15, 2012 9:25 p.m.
So as i sit here and look in the mirror, i can't help but notice that my hair has grown. Its gone from being short and hard to manage, to longer than my shoulders now. Its frames my face nicely and draws the attention to my face. Well mostly to my eyes, they look so bright and full of light. And my skin a nice pale shade too. It just all sort of flows together, i guess that's the way its supposed to be for some people. And for me my bright green eyes and lucious brown locks against my pale white skin looks great. it fits the new me.
Its not just my looks that have been changing its my attitude as well. I see the world much happier now, well as happy as i gets. Some people ask me how i can live in a small apartment with my mom and dad and not be angry that my house burnt down. Those are the people i laugh i at those are the old me. Yes i had a tragedy and yes i have to live in a smaller apartment with two other people, but at least i have those people. And just because something. big happens doesn't mean the rest of your world is pretty much over and done for. Look at me for example i came out with a better attitude then when the fire hit and ever since i met Karen the sirens, they're gone.