Egoselfish | Teen Ink

Egoselfish

October 12, 2013
By KaonKiroko BRONZE, Bakersfield, California
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KaonKiroko BRONZE, Bakersfield, California
2 articles 1 photo 15 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Your thoughts become your words.
Your words become your actions.
Your actions become your habit.
Your habit becomes your character.
Your character becomes your destiny."


Author's note: The idea of the story actually revolves around a song by Deco*27 called Egoselfish.. specifically the english dub sung by Rachie. The world of the story takes place in a hypothetical world. What if I stayed in MA? What if Noa--based off of my friend and look alike, Naomi--was actually my twin sister? Over 90% of this story revolves around scenarios that have occurred to me. However, a lot of this story does include my own personal experiences I've had with the friends I've made there. I originally wrote this for my friends back in MA for the sake of laughs and conservation of memories. Also, Noami's character, Noa, is both a mix of her personality and the "old me" when I first transferred. I hope that people get some enjoyment out of this story, of course. I also hope that people get the sense of theme of forgiveness and getting over their ego and selfishness, haha..

"Love or self, you have to choose. Is it I or is it you? Very well, the choice is yours and with your glimpse..."

"Lame," she crumpled up the paper that she found in her jacket pocket and and tossed it over her shoulder. She breathed in deeply, and let out a sigh. Her breath was white from the cold. She shivered and shook the small flakes of snow from her hair, "There's no way I'll make it here for even a full semester." Noa Hart was transferring into NSHS in January. As expected from most high school girls transferring in the middle of their sophomore year, Noa was all but thrilled. Not only was she transferring schools, but she was also coping with the death of her father. Now she had to move away from her old school, and travel about three thousand miles away from one side of the country to the other. In addition to all that, now she'd be living under the same roof as a complete stranger; her mother.


Bzzzzt. Her phone went off. It was her mother calling. She reluctantly pressed the "answer" button, "Hello?"


"Hey, hun. Did you make it to the school?"


"Yeah," she replied flatly, "It has a huge campus."


"I know it'll be a big adjustment, but do you think you'll be alright going there? I mean, you like it, right?"


"I wouldn't know," Noa said coldly, "It's nothing like back home."


"Well, try to think of this as your new home. Things will work out, I'm sure of it. Be positive."


There was a long pause.


"I'm gonna hang up. I'll be on my way home right now."


"Would you like me to come pick you up? It's really cold... plus it's snowing! You didn't have snow back in Taft, right?"


"I'm good. I'll just walk. The cold is just another thing I'll have to adjust to anyway. It'd be better to get used to it sooner than later."


"Alright, I'll see you when you get home then. Mommy loves you.."


Click.


Noa threw her phone to the ground and watched as the small flakes of snow began to cover it. Tears filled her eyes, "You're not my mother..." After standing still for a few more moments, she slowly began walking back towards the house that she refused to call home.


On her way, Noa decided to take her time walking, purposely leaving her cell phone behind. She didn't want to be called. She needed this time to think. Other than the fact that her father was dead, there was much more for her mind to absorb and process. She began walking. As she walked, she had no problem processing that she had left her school, TUHS. Noa wasn't very fond of anyone there anyway. In that case, she found that she was not at any loss. She had no problem processing that she had left California. It was too hot for her, hence the short hair cut that she was now stuck with. Unfortunately, she had also established that short hair wouldn't do her any good in this weather. She had no problem processing that she'd be a transfer student, or the fact that she'd have to adjust to the all famous "East Coast Intellect" expectations. There was only one thing she couldn't and didn't want her mind to accept -- she'd be living with her mom.


Noa's parents divorced when she was two. Because of her mother's absolute absence from her life, it became very evident to Noa that her mother didn't actually care. In Noa's mind, her mother was only taking her in by obligation. That didn't bug her though. What truly bothered her was the fact that her parents split up in the first place and no matter what the reason was, Noa found it both unacceptable and heartless that at her father's funeral, her mother never even showed up.


So many thoughts kept on buzzing through her mind. It wasn't until she heard something in front of her that her thoughts were suddenly interrupted, causing her to look up. There was a girl standing in front of her. Her face was pale white, possibly from the cold. The girl had a terrified expression, as if she had just seen a ghost. Noa stood confused, and looked around for whatever it was that the girl could possibly be staring at. By the time she looked back at the girl, she was shocked to see that the girl had randomly broken down in tears. Rather than asking her what was wrong, Noa walked right passed her without a word. It wasn't any of her business, plus it was about twenty five degrees outside. She wasn't ready to risk hypothermia on account of a random crying girl. Gradually, she tried to pick up the pace. The sooner she could get away, the better.


Before she could try running, something struck her in the back of the head. Whatever struck her was icy and cold. It didn't take Noa very long to realize that a snowball had been thrown at her. Shocked, Noa put a hand to the back of her head and turned around. Another girl of about the same height was standing there, facing away from her. She turned around towards Noa. Her bangs covered her left eye, along with a majority of that side of her face. She had long, dark brown hair that fell half way down her back. She was wearing jeans, a black sleeveless, collared shirt, a purple striped tie, and black fingerless gloves. The girl smirked playfully at her.


Noa was unamused, "Were you the one that threw that crap at me?" No response. The girl crouched down to make another snowball and tossed it at Noa. This time, it hit her just below her left shoulder. Irritated, Noa grit her teeth, "Hey, what's your problem!?" The girl still did not reply. Instead, she crouched down once more to make another snowball. Frustrated, Noa imitated her and began gathering snow into her hands. The snow felt colder on her hands than she anticipated-- she could feel it through her gloves. She quickly stood up and threw it at the girl in the direction of the girl. She missed. The sleeveless girl dropped the snow from her hand and laughed silently as if she was taunting her.


"What the hell do you want!?" Noa snapped. The girl gestured at the girl crying. She wore an expression as if she was expecting Noa to go back. Noa sighed, "Look, if you have something to say, then say it," she turned around, "Otherwise, I'm not gonna waste my time on you." Noa began walking away.


"So then-- I wonder, is your choice all up to this: Are you choosing with your egoselfishness?"


The girl's voice sounded familiar.. so familiar that it was unsettling. At first, Noa had decided to ignore her and to continue walking. However, she couldn't continue any more than three steps when curiousity got the better of her, but before Noa could turn around to reply, a car pulled up next to her. The window rolled down. A voice called from inside, "It's really cold. Are you sure you still want to walk?"


"Mom?"


"You were taking really long to get home, so I got worried. Get in the car, hun. You'll get sick. Look at all that snow in your hair."


Noa lifted her hand and shook the snow from her hair. Noa was far beyond agitated at that point, so before responding to her mother, she turned back towards the main source of her current frustrations. To her surprise, the sleeveless girl was no longer there.


"What's wrong? Do you still insist on walking?" Noa's mother asked.


Noa hesitated for a moment, looking back one last time before reluctantly entering the car. As they drove off, Noa caught sight of the crying girl in the rear view mirror, crouched over, hugging her knees. Before rolling up the window, Noa looked back out the window in her direction. It was difficult to see through the endlessly falling snow, but before they were too far away, Noa caught a glimpse of the sleeveless girl kneeling in front of the crying girl.


"Noa, could you roll up that window? Don't want snow coming into the car," Noa's mother requested.


Noa let out a breath, "It's like negative two hundred degrees, what the hell is she doing wearing a sleeveless top and jeans in this weather...?"


"What?"


Noa shook her head, "It's nothing..."


She rolled up the window and reclined the seat backwards to go to sleep. Noa's mom stopped the car. Noa had assumed that they were at either a stop sign, or a traffic light. Several moments passed, and the car still did not advance forward. She was about to ask why they weren't moving, when she heard the sound of silent crying coming from the driver's seat. Not knowing what to do, Noa laid still, pretending to be asleep. It was too awkward for her to say anything. She never knew what to do when people cried. Noa was the type to leave immediately when tears became involved. Not only that, but this was an adult crying now. She had only heard her father crying once a year on the eighth day of November. Though it worried her, she never bothered to ask him what November 8 was. Sadly, now it was too late to ask.


As her mother continued sobbing, Noa couldn't help but overhear a few words of what her mother silently muttered to herself. Noa lied there confused, and uncomfortable thinking to herself, What's "I?"



Noa opened the door to her new room. The room was well kept. There were drawings taped to the walls. An acoustic guitar sat in the corner, leaning against a YAMAHA keyboard. Under the keyboard was a small, black case with the YAMAHA logo on it. There was so much stuff in the room that it was almost as if someone was already living there. In fact, there was so much that distracted Noa from unpacking right away, but what really caught her attention was the night stand. On top of it were several picture frames. All of them were facing down, and after Noa had inspected them, she came to find that they were all empty. In that moment, she had also come to realize that on her way to her new room, all the other picture frames hung on the walls of the house were all turned around. It was at this time that it made her wonder if those were all empty too.


However, after a few more moments of pondering peculiar details, she dismissed the thought and began unpacking her suitcases. In the midst of unpacking, she heard a knock on the door. Without waiting for an answer, Noa's mother walked in.


"Do you need any help unpacking?"


Noa avoided her gaze, "I'm fine. I can do this myself."


Awkward silence.


"Are you hungry? You haven't eaten anything since you got off the plane. I can go warm something up," Noa's mother insisted, "You were in the snow for a while. What would you like?"


"I don't need anything," Noa replied almost cruelly.


"...Alright..." her mother said as if she was hurt. She closed the door and left Noa to herself.


After hours of unpacking, Noa finally decided to look at the clock. It was 2:58 AM. She then decided to go get changed and retire for the night, or at least what was left of it. As she laid down in her new bed, a wave of sleepiness swept over her almost instantaneously. Right as she submit herself to the night, she opened her eyes to stare at the clock. The last thing she could remember was watching the clock turn from 2:59 to 3:00, but as she fell asleep, she heard a familiar sound. She could have sworn that it was the sound of a cell phone notification. Before she could think about it any further, sleepiness took over her thoughts, and she had decided that she was far too tired to care. She heard the sound two more times, and before she knew it, she was asleep.

She walks through the dark nothingness aimlessly, not knowing where to go. All she can hear is her own footsteps echoing into the abyss. Eventually she stops.


"What am I walking for," Noa says to herself, "no matter how far I walk, or where I turn, it's not like I'm going to end up anywhere else."


All of a sudden she hears footsteps walking towards her.


"Who's there?" she calls out. The footsteps stop. "I said who's there?" Noa repeated.


Suddenly from behind her, she hears the sound of crying. She turns around to see the girl from earlier, crouched over, hugging her knees just like before and bawling her eyes out. Confused, Noa immediately starts running. As she runs, the girl disappears from sight, but her sobs keep growing louder and louder until finally, it's all Noa can hear. Horrified and lost, she stops running. She falls to her knees and covers her ears. The sound continues to grow louder until it's nearly ear splitting . She closes her eyes in terror. Just as she cries out for it to stop, the sobbing discontinues abruptly. Silence returns.


"I'm doing this all for you," a voice calls.


Without control of her actions or words, Noa replies,"I'm doing this all for me."


"Love or self?" the voice calls back, "Still, if you choose, you and I have naught to lose. In the end, we'll be just fine to keep on smiling all the time."


It's that famliar voice again. Regaining control of her actions, Noa opens her eyes. She's shocked to find someone standing before her. It's the sleeveless girl from earlier. Noa glares at her, speechless. The girl just smiles at her, and offers Noa a hand up. Rather than accepting assistance, Noa swats the hand away and gets up.


"Who are you!?" Noa yells at her.


The girl frowns, "My name is Airin."


"Oh, so now you talk!? What was up with you earlier!? Why did you keep throwing snow at me!? Why are you here!?" Noa clenches her fists as if she's ready to punch her.


Airin pauses, then sighs, "If this world's a loveless one, and we're to keep living on, then where it is that you must be, is anywhere but here with me."


"What?"



"Noa, get up or you'll be late! It's the beginning of the new semester and your first day of school!"


"I'll be up in a minute!"


It's been a few weeks since Noa started having those dreams about "Airin" and the crying girl. In every dream, the same thing basically occurred. Noa would ask Airin questions, and she'd reply in what sounded like riddles and rhymes. Though Noa wasn't very fond of the dream conversations she'd have with Airin, she found them useful in the sense that she never had to worry about the issue of getting lonely.


As Noa continued dreading the approach of the school, the car ride seemed a lot shorter than she had originally thought it was. She stepped out of the car.


"Call me when you want me to come pick you up," her mom called after her.


"Actually, I won't call," Noa replied without looking back, "I'll just walk home." She continued on through the front entrance. She didn't really want to walk home, but she didn't know how she was supposed to tell her mom that she had lost her cell phone on that first day she had encountered Airin. Noa wasn't even sure if "Airin" was even her real name. That's what she called the "Dream Airin" though. When she opened the doors to the school, she noticed that the halls were empty. When she checked the clocks and her watch for the time, she was sure that school should have started already.


After wandering the halls for what seemed like an eternity, Noa managed to come across the Attendance Office. Relieved, she walked in, hoping for an explanation as to why there were no students yet, or if they were already in class. There was an older woman sitting at the desk, shuffling through what looked like paper work. Noa stood still for a few moments before approaching her.


"Um, excuse me?" Noa said in a low voice.


The woman stopped, and looked up. Noa avoided her gaze. She was always easily intimidated whenever she was in an office of any sort. She could be called up to the office to get an award and still feel uneasy. After eyeing Noa up and down, the woman smiled at her, "Is that a new hair cut?


"No, um... I've had my hair like this for a while," Noa said, shocked at the seemingly random comment.


"Have you? I must be getting really old then," the woman laughed herself, more than out loud, "Anyway, seniors don't have to come to school until 9:20. Only freshmen are here right now, but they're all in class. You have about two hours until then."


"Okay," Noa said quickly and walked out immediately.


As the door closed behind her, and she turned left, walking aimlessly through the halls, she heard a familiar voice call from up ahead, "It wouldn't kill you to say 'thank you' once in a while, you know."Noa looked up, expecting to see Airin standing there with her taunting smirk, but she only found that she entirely alone in the long, extending hall.


I must be losing it, Noa thought, Even when I'm not asleep, I'm hearing this random chick talk to me. As she continued walking, she nearly kicked herself after realizing that her original question was still unanswered. She knew that the freshmen were already there, and when the seniors were supposed to arrive, but what about the sophomores? It was too late to turn back again and ask; she was already lost.


Noa was shocked to find that the school was even bigger than she thought. So far, she had passed by the cafeteria, the library, several glass hallways in which you could see outside, and several staircases. It was at this time, that she was hoping to run into Airin, even if she didn't know the real flesh and blood Airin and the only Airin she did know was from her dreams. She was hoping to see at least some type of familiar face. Despite the fact that there were freshmen supposedly in their classrooms, she felt like she was the only one in the entire giant building. She felt just like an experimental rat that had been placed in an impossible maze.


Just as she passed through yet another glass hallway, ready to give up and look for the office again, she heard singing. The voice sounded slightly melancholic, and echoed off the walls. Noa stopped and let the notes fill her ears. She was relieved to hear that there was another soul, other than herself, in the building. Before she knew it, she was slowly walking again, trying to find the source of the voice. As she grew closer, she began trying to listen to the words to the song:


"Our intuition's off, but we love each other still. 'Ego' or else 'we go?' Let's be sure to make this clear."


As Noa continued listening, she began to realize that some of the lyrics sounded vaguely familiar, "I'm doing this all for you. I'm doing this all for me."


Suddenly, it wasn't just the lyrics that sounded familiar. To her surprise, she knew the song. She knew the voice. The song filled her head, and she began running towards the voice. The song continued echoing off the walls, along with her footsteps. Finally, she came across a dead end and to her left was a pair of double doors. Without hesitation, she threw them open. The singing stopped. Noa panted heavily. She found herself in what looked like the school's band room. To her relief, there was no class in session. Her eyes searched back and forth, scanning the multitudes of chairs and stands. Her eyes stopped when she managed to spot a piano, and a sleeveless girl, sitting in front of it.


The girl turned around. Noa was relieved to see Airin's half covered face. She had a hopeful expression on her face, but when she saw Noa there, her expression changed slightly, hinting disappointment. She turned back around and continued singing. Noa stood in the doorway, arguing with herself on what she should do. She found Airin, so that was a plus. However, she still didn't know the flesh and blood Airin. She still didn't even know whether "Airin" was truly her name. As she stood there, awkwardly trying to rationalize the situation, the girl called out at her.


"What?" Noa looked back up, awkwardly. She had missed what the girl had said.


The girl smirked at her, "I said that you don't have to stand all the way over there. Look," the girl said, as if trying to show her hands to her, "I'm unarmed this time. I promise I won't throw anything at you."


Noa was about to snap at her like she had been looking forward to the entire break, but decided against it and approached. As she grew closer, she examined the girl's features. She could barely make out any of her facial features. Her hair was in the way, as usual. The girl seemed to have a similar body type as her own. Noa examined the girl's clothes, slightly fascinated by her fashion sense. This time, she was wearing suspenders, hanging down from her waist, a sleeveless hoodie with angel wings on the back of it, black jeans and Vans. Noa came to the conclusion that the girl must shop at either Hot Topic, Spencer's, or Zumiez.


As Noa grabbed a chair out of one of the back rows to sit down, the girl spoke again, "So you came early too, huh? I did that too in my sophomore year." Noa nodded silently as the girl resumed singing the same song. Eventually, the girl paused and spoke again, "Sorry, I'm not that great at singing."


Noa shook her head, "Sounds fine to me."


The girl gave a sad smile at Noa and looked down at the piano keys, "This song was originally supposed to have a piano accompaniment," she said, slowly moving her right hand along the keys.


"What, you can't play the piano?" Noa said, not knowing what else to say.


The girl shook her head, "I can."


"Then why don't you?"


"I can't read music," she sighed as if depressed, "I only got to take piano lessons for three months, so I'm still no good at it."


"Why'd you stop taking lessons? Couldn't afford it?"


The girl paused for a moment, then turned back to Noa, "So how's Mom doing?"


Noa blinked, "What?"


"Your mom. How is she? Well?"


"Yeah, I guess," Noa replied, slightly caught off guard by the sudden change of subject, "I don't talk to her very much though."


The girl tilted her head to one side, "Why not? I'm sure she'd love talking to her only daughter."


Ding, dong, dong, ding. The bell rang. The girl got up, "That's the bell. Sophomores should be coming in now. You should go to your homeroom. Let me see your schedule." Noa handed her a folded up piece of paper. The girl took it and looked it over. She smiled, and handed the paper back to Noa, "You have my old homeroom teacher," she said, shouldering a black and white backpack, "Mr. Norton's really cool. Funny guy. I'm sure you'll like him. Follow me, I'll take you to him. He's on the second floor of Goldrick House."


Noa picked up her binder, swung her backpack onto one shoulder and followed the girl out a black door. She never noticed that there was another exit out of the band room. Little did she know that it lead outdoors. The cold air sliced at her face as if were a knife. She hurriedly, but cautiously rushed down a few steps and onto a path covered with snow. She paused, fascinated with how white the snow was, and how the path was so smooth without footprints. She only admired it for an instant though. It was way too cold to stay outside, even with a snow jacket on. She looked up ahead and saw the girl standing outside what looked like another entrance to the school, waving for her to hurry up. Noa rushed towards her as the snow crunched under her feet. They entered the building.


Noa shivered, blowing warm air into her hands. The girl laughed, "Some weather, huh?"


"Yeah," Noa said, "California's coldest winters are nothing compared to this."


"Haha, yeah. Anyway, this is the Wheeler entrance. It's connected to Goldrick," the girl said, pointing at a staircase up ahead, "You can get to the Goldrick House office if you go up these stairs and take two left turns. The Wheeler House office is on the same floor, but just turn right instead of left."


Noa couldn't follow what she was saying, "Goldrick? Wheeler? What is this, a knock off of Harry Potter? I assume the staircases move too?"


"Only on Tuesdays," the girl said as she began hopping up the stairs as Noa followed after her. Before Noa could say anything else, the girl turned around, "Just so you know, I'm kidding about the staircase thing."


"I know that!" Noa called out louder than she had meant to.


"Okay, okay, chill out," she said turning back around, "You'd be shocked at the number of people that used to take me seriously in regards to that."


They reached the second floor and took a left. The girl continued talking as if she was a tour guide. Noa couldn't keep up with everything she was saying. So far, she heard something about the school being divided into four houses, and something about a water fountain referred to as "Goldrick Springs." She went on and on about some of the other staff members and how one of the "House Masters" has a scar on his face, and how there's a left-handed secretary that sits at the front desk of Goldrick House. Apparently, there was also some shed across the street of the school called HSP, which stood for "High School Support Program" for the "troubled students." The girl chattered on about how the band teacher, Mrs. Linde would miss a lot of school because of her kids, and how Senora Breene, a spanish teacher in Cutler House was out sick for an entire year. Noa also heard her speak about how there were rumors of it being Mrs. O'Connor's last year teaching math, and how she hoped that the rumor wasn't true. There was talk about how Mr. Thompson and Mrs. Martin were the dynamic duo of the global program and how their personalities contrasted each other's so much. Noa found herself ready to walk over to a wall and begin hitting her head against it. It was too much for Noa to absorb and remember all at once.


Several staff member 411 reports later, the girl stopped outside of a classroom: Room 1202, "Well, this is your homeroom."


"Alright," Noa said out of relief that the Staff Member CNN report had come to an end.


"One more thing," the girl said as Noa reached for the door knob, "Don't go through that door," she said pointing over at a pair of blue double doors located at the end of the hall, "That's where they keep the three-headed dog."


It took Noa a second to catch on to the reference, "Sure," she said opening the door.


"I'll see you later, Noa," the girl said, as Noa was already half way through the door. Before Noa could look back at her to reply, once again, the girl was already gone. Noa stood in the doorway for a moment, when she heard footsteps coming towards her. She turned her head to see a boy standing in front of her. He was taller than her. His hair was about two inches long; long for most guys, in her opinion. He stared at her as if trying to decide whether or not to say anything. After another moment or two, he retreated to the opposite end of the room and sat down at a desk.


"Excuse me," a small voice called from behind Noa. A small asian girl, dressed in purple stood, trying to get into the classroom.


"Sorry," Noa said, moving out of the way.


The girl turned to her as if to reply, but stopped abruptly upon eye contact. They both stood awkwardly for a moment when the boy called her from the other side of the room. She turned back at the boy and started rushing in his direction, turning her head back at Noa once more before ramming into a desk. The boy helped her up and they both retreated to the back of the room and began conversing. Noa assumed that they were talking about her.


Before Noa could take a seat at the desk closest to her, another being entered the room. The man was round, and had a beard. He wore rectangular glasses, a light blue button down shirt and a plaid tie. Noa was relieved that it wasn't another student. The man noticed her and gave a friendly smile, "Hello there, my friend. And how was your winter break?"


"Um, it was alright," Noa said, caught off guard by the man's happy-go-lucky nature.


"New hair cut?" the man asked.


Noa shook her head, "No. I've always had my hair like this."


"Oh, really?" he scratched his head.


"Yeah," she said, "It's weird, though. A lady in the Attendance Office asked me the same thing."


"That's odd," he said, "I could have sworn you had your hair longer."


Noa couldn't help but notice that the boy and girl in the corner of he room were staring at her again. She ignored them and shook her head, "But this is the first time we've met. I'm transferring here from California," Noa said, "My name is Noa Hart--"


"OH MY GOD!!!" yet another voice called from outside the door. Noa turned her head, and saw a blonde girl, with braces. Noa didn't have time to examine the girl's features or clothing, due to the fact that this girl was suddenly charging at her with full speed. Noa braced herself for impact. Luckily for her, the homeroom teacher stuck his arm in between them.


"Whoa there," he said, "Emma, this is Noa Hart. She's transferring here from California."


Emma blinked at him, then at Noa curiously, "But she looks so much like--"


"Anyway, Noa, this is Emma," he interrupted, "please forgive her for nearly tackling you. I'm sure she's very sorry."


Noa turned her head towards Emma, who bowed her head in embarrassment, "Yes! I'm so sorry! I thought you were someone else that..."


"Emma!" a small voice called.


Noa was shocked to hear the girl dressed in purple from across the room. She had a forbidding look in her eyes, as if she was trying to prevent Emma from finishing the sentence. The boy stood up and shook his head at her.


"Over there is Justin Liao and Kelsey Yee," the homeroom teacher said, "They don't talk very much this time around. Anyway, welcome to NSHS, Noa. I hope you enjoy it here."


"Yeah," Emma said energetically, "Mr. Norton's right! This is only the best school in the world! By the way, Noa do you sing?"


"I can, but I don't really care for it," Noa said shaking her head.


As their conversation continued, more students kept on flooding into the classroom. Mr. Norton introduced each of them as they walked into the room. Noa couldn't help but notice that there were a lot of asians. She recalled hearing names like "Monica Tseng," "Helen Huang," "Chengang Qi," and "Joey Huang." Of course, there were other names that Noa was thankful that she could pronounce, such as "James Dean," but that was all she could remember. There were too many names to try matching to faces at the time. She did remember James, because of the Fedora he wore on his head. He also had an entrance that stook out. Upon walking in, he saw Noa, and nearly slipped as he tried running back out of the classroom as if he had forgotten something in his locker or somewhere else. As he returned to the classroom, Noa also noticed a number of random people passing by and peeking through the door even after the bell rang again, signaling that it was time to be in the classrooms.


Mr. Norton named each person as he noticed them passing by as well. Noa tried her best to keep up with the names. Apparently, among the several curious students--that according to Mr. Norton, were all upperclassmen-- there was a "Chloe Thompson," "Biara Figueredo," "Margaret Su," Mitchel Wong," "Daoxu Ye," "Aidan Rose," "Linda La," "Sarah Irwin," and that was all Noa could process all at once. She had doubted that she could match all the names to faces accurately for a while. As the clock ticked by, Mr. Norton's friendly introductions ended with a question of whether or not Noa had a sister, which Noa only shook her head no.


Noa found herself slightly disturbed by the number of students that stared at her like Kelsey and Justin. In fact, the entire time Emma and Mr. Norton were talking to her, Noa also couldn't help but notice how the rest of the class was entirely silent, excluding a few whispers, which Noa had assumed were also about her. When the bell rang to get out of homeroom, Emma was disappointed to find out that they had no classes together. Noa was grateful to Emma, however, because despite Emma's loud and hyperactive nature, she was the only one that Noa could consider normal. On their way out, Emma looked over Noa's schedule, then called Justin over to lead her to her next classroom. Justin hesitated a moment before agreeing to do so, and remained silent the entire way.


In the rest of her classes, Noa was disappointed to find that they weren't any different from her homeroom. She grew tired of answering the same questions over and over. Most of the questions, to her surprise, came from the teachers. In history class, Noa found herself answering the same question of "if she got a new hair cut", and the class would close with a final question from the teacher regarding the subject of "whether or not she had a sister," which again, Noa answered with a "no." Some of the names of her teachers sounded familiar, however, and it didn't take too long for Noa to realize that she had heard their names before because of "Airin's" staff member 411 report prior to being dropped off at homeroom. She recognized the names, "Mr. Thompson," and "Senora Breene." Before she could check to see of any other teacher names sounded familiar, she was thankful to find that her lunch period had finally arrived.


Her moment of relief only lasted for an instant, however, because she just realized that she still couldn't figure out how to get to the cafeteria. She felt that it was too awkward to ask one of her new classmates for directions, so she just decided that she'd just try to locate her next class, and sit outside the classroom until class started up again. On her way, Noa heard a familiar voice call from ahead of her. Noa was relieved to see the nameless girl-- or "Airin"-- standing on the next floor, with her usual taunting smirk. Noa was too caught in the moment of relief to be annoyed. The girl signaled for Noa to stay where she was, and began hopping down the stairs, which Noa found dangerous, because the stairs were wet from everyone's shoes being out in the snow.


"How was C and D block?" she asked Noa curiously.


Noa shrugged, "Weird. People keep on staring at me." The girl laughed and Noa continued, "And for some reason, my teachers so far keep on asking about my hair cut and if I have a sister."


The girl's eyes-- or "eye," rather--suddenly went from energetic, to slightly saddened. Before Noa could ask what was wrong, the girl placed a hand on Noa's head, and ruffled it through her hair, "Yeah, don't mind the questions that much. When I transferred here in my sophomore year, I got random questions too. They'll pass after a while."


The girl took her hand off Noa's head, and began walking. Noa ran her own hand through her hair, trying to fix it, then followed after her. Then she finally decided to ask, "By the way, you never did tell me your name."


The girl's pace slowed down, "I thought I already told you," she said, tilting her head over in a confused manner, "Just call me 'Airin.'"

As they reached the cafeteria, Airin gave her detailed instructions as to which table she should sit at, and exactly which seat to sit in. Before Noa could ask why, Emma began waving at her from inside the cafeteria and Airin disappeared once more. Noa followed Airin's directions and casually took a seat at a table in the corner of the cafeteria, next to an Aquafina water machine. As she nervously took her seat, everyone sitting at the table either stopped their conversation, or suddenly lost interest in their food. They all stared at her. Noa tried to ignore everything, as she willed for Emma to hurry and come over.


"You must be the new girl in 1202," the girl sitting to her left said, extended out a hand for a handshake, "My name's Tali." The girl had a sad smile. Noa shook her hand and introduced herself. As Emma grew closer, everyone else at the table began slowly introducing themselves. Noa was able to recognize a few of the names, such as "Mitchel Wong," "Sarah Irwin," "Margaret Su," and "Linda La." However, there were still a few new names, but before she knew it, she had been acquainted with nearly an entire group already. The rest of the group consisted of twins, Tiffany and Stephanie Wang, two redheads that looked related, but weren't, Hannah Weller and Tyler Ellis, next to them was a boy playing his DS, Evan Klein, then there were two more people with what looked like instrument cases, Sophie and Max, along with several others, Sylvia, Emily, Gil, and more which Noa failed to remember because the number of them was so great.


Finally, Emma arrived, "Hey, so how was your first couple of classes?"


"It was okay," Noa said, with gratitude. She was relieved to have a more familiar being accompanying her. Noa wondered where Airin had run off to, and why she never seemed to stick around for very long.


"Anyway, I'm going to return to my table," Emma said, patting Noa on the shoulder.


A knot formed in Noa's stomach. She wasn't ready to be left on her own again, but she'd feel pathetic if she clung to Emma like a security blanket, "Okay, I'll see you later."


Emma smiled as if she got the message and gestured at a table in the middle of the cafeteria, "I'll be over there wth the other sophomores. If you want to join us later on, you can."


Noa looked over at the other table. The knot in her stomach grew even tighter when she saw Justin Liao, Kelsey Ye, Helen Huang and a majority of the rest of her home room sitting there. She nodded, and Emma skipped off back to her table.


"So you're a sophomore?" Mitchel exclaimed with sudden interest.


Noa nodded, then Tali spoke up, "Wow, I would have guessed you were a senior. So you're only 15?"


Noa laughed nervously, and shook her head, "That's the first time I've ever heard that. And actually, I'm 16. Late birthday. They made me wait a year.."


Regular chatter continued on at the table, and as they talked, Noa continued examining the people at her table, attempting to memorize faces and the names that were matched to them. As her gaze met the end of the table, she saw a familiar face staring at her. A girl sat there silently, and upon an awkward instant of eye contact, the girl looked down immediately, and resumed eating her food. Noa continued staring, trying to figure out where she had seen her before.


"Hey Mitchel," Noa said quietly, nudging him in the arm, "Who's the girl sitting off in at the end of the table over there?"


Mitchel's eyes scanned the table, and spotted the girl Noa was talking about, "Oh, that's Seth."


"Oh. Is she usually that quiet?" Noa asked.


"Believe it or not, no," Tali answered, "In fact, she and our other friend would always be singing at the top of their lungs."


"Really?" Noa's eyes widened in disbelief, "So why is she all quiet all of a sudden?"


Noa's half of the table grew silent for a moment, "She lost a friend," Mitchel answered.


"That is, she moved away last quarter," another girl finished. Noa managed to match this girl's face to her name. This one was Margaret Su.


"I see," Noa said looking down, "So she isn't taking it well, I suppose?"


Mitchel, Tali and Margaret all nodded, "Most of us had a hard time saying goodbye to her," Tali continued, "We miss her, but I think Seth and a few of the sophomores are taking it the worst."


Noa began wondering what this friend must have been like. It fascinated her that someone would be missed to the extent that was displayed at the table. She began to wonder if there was even one person at her old school that missed her like that. Then again, Noa mostly kept to herself, and didn't talk to anyone. She even kept her distance from the teachers that worked at her old school. Noa's mood sunk slightly when it clicked in her mind that she was probably unmissed at TUHS.


After listening to Tali, Margaret, Mitchel, Hannah and others talk about tests, speeches, an upcoming talent show, and events over winter break, lunch finally came to an end and Noa wasn't looking forward to another class. Then she realized that the slot for E block-- her next class-- was blank. When she asked Mitchel about her schedule, he just told her it was a "free block."


Noa was unfamiliar with block schedules, so she didn't understand what Mitchel meant. She was shocked at Mitchel's explanation of a free block being a free period and that she was given the freedom to roam the campus and basically do as she pleased. Noa walked with him until he arrived at his next class. After standing in alone in the halls, Noa did as Mitchel said and began roaming the campus, attempting once more to familiarize herself with the rest of the school. After several twists and turns, glass hallways and flights of stairs, Noa found herself outside the library.


Not having anywhere else to go, she entered, deciding to just sit at a random table until the next bell. She walked past the librarian at the front desk, and allowed her eyes to take in her surroudings. There were several tables, but not one of them were empty. She took note of the several tables of computers and the numerous book shelves and aisles that filled the library. The library had a quiet, yet chaotic atmosphere. Everyone seemed to be doing something. Though it extended much further than the library at TUHS, it still appeared cramped. Noa just stood there staring at everything. Her shoulder was beginning to feel sore from holding her backpack. Her eyes scanned for somewhere to sit. Suddenly her eyes locked onto a girl wearing a sleeveless hoodie with angel wings on the back, walking into a random aisle.


Noa started walking hurriedly towards the aisle. As she approached the aisle, Airin didn't take notice of her. She was sitting on a shelf along the walls, staring out the window. Noa approached and tapped her on the knee. Airin flinched as if she had been woken up, then slowly turned her head. Noa waved at her, and Airin hopped off the shelf.


"How was lunch?" Airin asked casually, as she lowered herself to the floor and sat cross legged against one of the shelves.


"It was alright," Noa said, "the people there were a better welcoming wagon than the rest of the sophomores in my classes."


"I knew they'd give you a warm welcome," she said smiling softly, "I'm glad."


"Where did you go earlier? Not that I wanted you around all the time, but you could at least say something before you run off again," Noa said, trying to conceal how irritated she was at Airin's behavior of disappearing, and then reappearing out of the blue.


"Yeah, I suppose," Airin lowered her head apologetically, "So what else happened?"


They talked for a while and the block came to an end. Airin hopped up and shouldered her black and white backpack, and once again, led Noa to her next class. It was the last class of the day, and as Noa walked through the doorway, Airin made her usual disappearance. Noa was greeted by an elderly woman named Mrs. O'Connor.


Noa was shocked to find that unlike her other teachers, Mrs. O'Connor didn't make the same random comment about her hair cut or ask if she had a sister. The period passed slowly, with the usual uncomfortable stares burning holes in the back of Noa's head. She had begun to develop a tolerance for it, fortunately for her. Noa wasn't sure about whether or not the staring was temporary or permanent, therefore, she decided that it'd be wise to learn how to ignore it, just in case.


Class ened, marking the end of the day and Noa walked reluctantly down the stairs until she reached the Wheeler entrance. She stared out at the snow, dreading the long walk home in the cold. Eventually, she made her way out the door, and began the long walk home. She found it difficult to withdraw back into her mind like she normally did when walking. The cold wouldn't allow her to do so.


Noa stared down at the snow in front of her as she walked. She couldn't seem to shake the fascination of how perfectly smooth it appeared, and the only footprints were her own, trailing behind her. A cold breeze blew at her face. Noa stopped walking as if stopping would prevent the cold from piercing through her. She stood shivering for a few more seconds, looking at the long path back to her house. Though it wasn't snowing, she still had to strain her eyes to see very far. The sunlight reflecting off the white canvas that surrounded her was blinding. Eventually, Noa decided that standing around would only make her even colder. She began walking again, which slowly transitioned into a power walk. Before she knew it, she was jogging and then sprinting as far as she could. She didn't get very far, however, because the cold air choked her. She began coughing and hacking so intensely that is caused her to fall face forward into the snow. She laid still, tired, trying to catch her breath.


It was really cold. Noa found it difficult to move. She tried getting up, but only found herself greeting the snow again with her face. She clenched her fists in frustration. Tears welled in her eyes. Noa was ashamed to find this new weakness in herself. She felt stupid for purposely losing her cell phone. If she could feel her legs, she would have kicked herself several times for being such an idiot. Noa looked up at the rest of the blank path. Her vision went between clear and blurry several times. Suddenly she caught sight of someone barely walking ahead of her. Her eyes strained to see if it was someone she knew. Then she noticed that this person was wearing a black and white backpack, and had no sleeves. Noa already knew who it was. She fought with herself about whether or not she should call out. She was caught in between shame for being so pitiful, and not letting go of her pride.


Noa's vision began to darken. Just before passing out, she cried out, causing Airin to turn around. The last thing she remembered was Airin kneeling in front of her before finally passing out.


Upon regaining consciousness, Noa heard the crunching of snow beneath feet. Her vision was still slightly blurry, but she could see Airin walking next to her. She looked down and saw the snow moving beneath her, but she wasn't walking; someone was carrying her.


"What the..." Noa said more to herself than the person carrying her.


Her rescuer stopped walking, "So you're awake." Noa didn't respong. "You know, if you don't take the cold well, why would you insist on walking?"


Airin looked at Noa, then looked back down at her feet as she continued walking alongside them. Noa buried her face into her arm, "I don't know," she said with all energy lacking, "It's the only time I have to think."


"But if you die in the process and become a ghost, you'll have all the time in the world to think. I highly doubt that that's what you'd want," Airin mumbled, sounding slightly annoyed.


Noa ignored her. Her rescuer didn't take any notice of Airin either. Finally, Noa began feeling uncomfortable with having some guy carry her on his back along with her belongings and his.


"Hey," she said, "you can put me down now. I can walk." The boy remained silent. "Hey," Noa repeated, "I can--"


"I heard you," the boy said, "It's fine. We're almost there anyway."


Noa fell silent again until they approached her house at 11 Goddard Street, "Here's fine. My house is that pink one right there."


The boy stopped and hesitated before putting her down. He handed Noa her belongings, and Noa rushed over to the garage to punch in the code her Mom had told her in order to get in. Airin stayed behind with the boy. Noa looked back and the boy and waved. He didn't see her waving, however. He seemed as if he was staring at something intriguing. Airin just stood looking down as if she was spaced out. Noa went inside. After hanging up her coat, and changing into some dry clothes, she looked back out the window. Airin was gone, but the boy was still there. From the looks of it, he hadn't moved since he let her down. Noa watched him stand there in the cold. After several moments of observing the boy, she had realized that he was from her homeroom: Justin.


Long after Justin left, Noa remained at her post next to the window. Her curiousity completely distracted her from her mother accidentally dropping a glass in the kitchen. So much happened in just the first day. She got lost at school and followed the sound of random singing to find her way. She officially met Airin, and learned the name of the crying girl from weeks before. She endured hours of being stared at, along with nearly being tackled by Emma. To top it all off, she passed out on her way home from school and got carried home by a boy from her homeroom. Slowly, it began snowing again. She watched the snow fall to the ground, covering the single pair of footsteps coming down Goddard Street and passed her house. As she left her post at the window, somewhere in the back of her mind, something about those footsteps just wasn't right.

Everyone's dressed in black. Noa looks around. She's at the cemetery. Her mother is on her knees, crying into her hands. There's a lot of people. Their faces are all blurred out.


Noa lowers her head, "So Mom really was there after all?"


Everyone begins walking towards the coffin, one by one, to say their final goodbyes. Noa's shocked when she finds that her feet are moving on their own. Slowly, but surely, the distance between her and the coffin closes in. She grits her teeth, "No... I don't want to remember this... I don't want to see him... Not in there..."


Finally, Noa makes it to the front of the line. She tries to resist, but her body won't let her. She can't even close her eyes. She looks over the side of the coffin. First she sees hands folded over a stomach. Her eyes slowly work their way up the body. She's halfway up the torso. She realizes that the body is too small to be her father's. A small neck comes into her vision, and finally, as the person's face comes into view, she's startled by her mother screaming at the top of her lungs, and punching her fists into the ground until they bled. Noa regains control of her body. She looks around her. A boy falls to his knees crying right over the coffin. Several others turn away, while a few others try to comfort her mother.


Suddenly everyone disappears and she's alone. The body has already been buried. She walks slowly to the tombstone. She stares at the big curvy letters engraved in the middle:




"Love" is what so captivates us, but at times this "love" can lead to loathing...


"What's that supposed to mean," Noa says out loud as she continues reading out loud, "It's a choice we made as a pair--"


"But it's one of us who has to die," a voice says from behind her.


As she turns around, Noa nearly stumbles over. There's a girl standing in front of her dressed in all white. Her face is familiar. Noa knows it all too well. It's her own.


"No," Noa says in terror, "I'm not dead. I can't be dead."


The other Noa just tilts her head and smirks at her, "Of course you're not dead, dummy."


"Then... then why--"


"Why was I in that coffin?" the girl in white interrupts. Noa nods her head. Once again, the mysterious girl smirks and speaks up, "Duh, I'm dead."


"But you just said--"


"You're not dead. I am."


Noa hesitates to ask her next question. She doesn't know what to ask. Then finally, "Who are you, then?"


The other Noa shakes her head, "You seem to ask that question a lot." Noa just stares at the girl as she walks over to her tombstone, "Both our selves are selfish still, gasping breathless for some air."


"What?"


The other Noa turns back around and smiles again, "I'm doing this all for you..."



Noa woke up in a cold sweat to the sound of a cell phone notification. She got out of bed and began digging through her backpack. After about three minutes, she thought she heard the sound again. She even left her room to check the pockets of her jacket. She searched under her bed, between her bed, on the night stand, under the nightstand, in her pants pocket, and everywhere else that she could think of. Suddenly, she heard the sound go off again. After nearly an hour of searching, she finally gave up and decided to search on a weekend. She knew that this wasn't the first time she had heard it. She heard it every night since she started staying in that room. At first she thought nothing of it, but after that dream, it had finally driven her off the edge.

Weeks passed, and she still failed to find the source of the sound. School continued on the same as ever. Nothing all too out of the ordinary happened at school except on Noa's second day of school, when she arrived early to the school and noticed all of her teachers were gathered in the Goldrick House Office and she overheard her name. She didn't stick around to listen, however. She had run into Airin again, and they went on with their seemingly regular "follow the leader" routine.


Even after he carried her home, Justin was still as silent as ever, Emma was still as energetic as and Energizer Bunny, trying to convince Noa to participate in the talent show, and the table remained the same with their random conversations. By now, Noa was relieved to have memorized everyone's name. The only thing that she found unordinary about her classes was the fact that the order of her classes changed everyday. For example, on Mondays, apparently the order of blocks was ABCDEFJ, but on Tuesdays, it was AGDEC, Wednesdays were BCGFEDJ, Thursdays were ABGDECJ, and Fridays were ABGCF.


Noa was getting accustomed to the flow of things until she got to school one day and Airin wasn't there to greet her like they had begun doing regularly. Not knowing what to do until the bell rang, Noa decided to wander in the direction of the band room, assuming Airin might be there sitting at the piano. As she walked in that direction, she heard the sound of a piano playing. The tune carried a sense of vague familiarity leaving Noa feeling nostalgic. She began to quicken her pace and upon approaching the bandroom, it occurred to her that it couldn't be Airin playing, since she claimed that she couldn't play the piano. Noa opened the door. The mystery pianist stopped playing immediately and turned, facing Noa. Their eyes locked. Noa recognized her from her lunch table. It was Seth.


Before Noa could say anything, tears gathered in Seth's eyes. Startled once again by Seth's spontaneous tears, Noa awkwardly retreated out the door, leaving it cracked open. She sat outside the bandroom, waiting for Airin to arrive at school. The clock ticked on and still no sign of her. Suddenly, she heard a voice come from inside the band room.


"If this world's a loveless one," the voice sang, "and we're to keep living on..."


Then where it is that you must be is anywhere but here with me, Noa thought.


"...there's nowhere for us to be, not anywhere that I could see..." the voice finished.


"So then I wonder-- does our choice come down to this: Does our egoselfishness make it exist," Airin's voice joins in.


Confused at the sudden change in lyrics and Airin's sudden appearance, Noa peeked in the band room again. Seth was still there. Her head was buried in her arms, leaning over the piano. Airin was sitting next to her. Neither of them moved.


Ding, dong, dong, ding. Time for class. Seth stormed out of the band room, nearly knocking Noa off her feet. Noa watched her as she slowly disappeared from sight in a sea of students trying to get to class.


Why does she always seem so gloomy everytime I show up, Noa thought to herself.


She got up and entered the band room. Airin wasn't there anymore. Noa assumed that she had already went ahead through the other exit. She rushed out through the other exit, hoping to catch her. No luck. All she saw was smooth layers of snow that covered the ground. Noa sighed and continued the rest of the way to her homeroom alone.


As she took her seat, she couldn't stop thinking about what just happened with Seth and the band room. In fact, she still wasn't even sure what actually happened in the band room. Suddenly, Noa snapped out of her small trance when Emma slapped down a paper onto Noa's desk. Startled, Noa first looked up at Emma, who was smiling her usual happy-go-lucky smile. Then she looked down at the paper. It was a flyer for the school's talent show.


"I told you," Noa puffed, "I'm not going to do the show."


"Aw, come on!" Emma pressed on, "This is the last week you can sign up! Are you sure?"


Noa turned and glared, "I was sure about this from the moment you mentioned it that first time."


"But why not?"


"I hate talent shows. Students who think they have talent when they don't just go up on stage and humiliate themselves, and the ones that do have talent use it as an opportunity to ridicule the others in order to boost their own self esteem. I never found the point behind these stupid events."


"Ouch," Emma said, "Don't you think you're being a bit too critical?"


"So what," Noa snapped, "I speak the truth, and if that's--" Noa stopped in the middle of her sentence when she saw Airin standing outside of the doorway, signaling her to come over.


Noa excused herself from Emma and followed Airin out the door. Airin was silent, and kept on walking at an abnormally fast pace. As Noa slowly caught up, Airin turned around. A burning sensation suddenly occured on the side of Noa's face. It had taken her a moment for her to realize that Airin had just slapped her. Hard. The impact was so great that Noa was knocked over backwards. Dumbfounded, Noa could only stare at Airin.


Airin's eyes were filled with anger. The amount of anger she was bearing was so great that Airin was trembling. Finally, Noa found the words to speak, "What was that for!?"


"What was that for?" Airin repeated, "That one was for Emma." Airin grabbed Noa by the collar of her shirt so that they were face to face, "This next one, is for everything else." Before Noa could respond, Airin bashed their foreheads together.


Noa put a hand to her forehead. Airin stood back up, unaffected. Noa felt humiliated. She couldn't find any words to say other than, "What the Hell!?"


"Shut up," Airin commanded, "I'm sick of you stepping on other people."


"What are you talking about--"


"You're the most selfish and insensitive person I think I've met! You never thank anyone for helping you, and you never offer to do anything in return. If someone needs help, to you it's an inconvenience, but when you need help, you expect someone to help you automatically. Justin carried you home, and you didn't even give him a word of gratitude. You insensitively say whatever you want, without consideration of whether or not what your saying is offensive to the one you're talking to. Everyone's put up with it until now. You think I'm being too critical? Guess what? This is the truth. You only do things for yourself. A person who doesn't care for others may as well not exist. You should consider it a blessing that you do exist, Noa. Don't take it for granted."


After Airin stormed off and Noa returned to the classroom, the bell rang just as she took her seat. When Emma asked her where she'd been, Noa just shook her head, and took the flyer from Emma, not saying a word. She was too distracted by Airin's words echoing through her head to think of any words of her own.

A few days passed by and Noa never saw Airin. Noa didn't really look for her either, due to the fact that she was still getting over shock of what happened in their last encounter. She decided to take a day to process it all, and asked to stay home from school. It wasn't hard to convince her mother. Fact was, she just allowed Noa to stay without questioning what was wrong. Worried, Noa's mother offered to stay home from work that day to look after her. Noa immediately rejected the suggestion.


Long after Noa's mother left for work, Noa decided to take this time to explore the house for the first time since she began living there. Up until then, she was always in her room and only left it to eat, use the bathroom, or leave for school. The first thing she did was check the picture frames on the walls that were still turned around. She wasn't terribly surprised to find that they were all empty.


It didn't take Noa very long to get bored altogether, and retire from her exploration. Before she retreated back to her room, however, she couldn't help but notice a box sitting on top of the dining table. Noa walked over, curiously examining the contents of the box. There were several thick books and envelopes. She carefully peeked into one of the envelopes, and its contents spilled out onto the table and the floor. Noa scrambled to pick them up. As she bent over to pick everything up off the floor, she realized that the contents of the envelope were wall pictures.


She gathered the pictures neatly in her hands and began looking through the photos. There were several teenagers in all of the pictures. To her surprise, she recognized everyone in them. Emma was in several. She recognized Justin, Kelsey, and the majority of the students from her homeroom. As she opened another envelope, she saw the people from her lunch table and even some pictures of all her teachers. However, there was something odd about all the pictures; Airin was in every last one of them.


"What are you doing?"


Noa looked up, startled. Her mother stood there with an expression that seemed as if she had just been caught in a crime. Noa didn't know what to do, "Mom..."


"I thought you'd be in bed resting, Hun. You should go back to sleep," Noa's mother urged.


"What are these?"


"Really, Noa, you should get some rest if you're not feeling well."


"What are these?"


"Pay no mind to those Deary, I just forgot to put them away--"


"Mom!" Noa snapped.


Her mother's eyes filled with tears. She slowly walked towards Noa, "Have a seat."


Noa did as she said and sat down. Her mother took one of the thicker books out of the box and sat next to her. Noa realized that the books were actually large albums. Noa's mom flipped open to the first page. There was a man and a woman standing together. They both appeared to be in their twenties. Noa remained silent. Her mom flipped to the next page. The same couple was on the next few pages. With each page that passed, the couple appeared to grow older. It wasn't until Noa saw a picture of them at a church getting married that the young couple was actually her mother and father.


Her mom continued flipping through pages. Noa saw pictures of them on dates, honeymoons, and even pictures of them together at her old house. They reached the middle of the album, her mother appeared pregnant. In the next passing pages, she saw her mother's stomach grow. The last picture of the album showed her sitting in a hospital bed, and her father was next to her, kissing her stomach. Noa felt nostalgic. She missed her father. She had to swallow down the knot that had formed in her throat, before speaking up, "You really did love Dad, didn't you...?"


Noa's mother nodded her head as a sad smile appeared on her face, "I never went out with anyone after him. I didn't want anyone else, even after we had divorced."


"Why did you two break up then?" Noa demanded, "If you still loved him, why didn't you just go back to him?"


Her mother shook her head, "Because I was selfish," she sighed, "I was too stubborn to go back. I felt that if I had gone back to him, I'd be surrendering. I didn't want to lose to him. He even called me a few times to come back, but to get back at him, so I said no."


"What, are you in Jr. High!?" Noa said loudly, "You talk as if it was a game! Now he's dead! I didn't even see you at his funeral. Where does the game end? You didn't go back to him, so now what? Do you consider this your win!?"


Noa's mother kept her head down. She was aware of her foolishness. Rather than answering Noa's questions, she went ahead and pulled another album from the box. It was covered in so much dust that made Noa cough. Her mother reached into one of the sleeves of the album, pulled out two papers, looked them over, and handed one to Noa. Noa read over the paper. It was her birth certificate. Noa read it out loud, "Noa Hart. Born in Pasadena, California. 6.2 lbs. Date of birth: November 8, 1993."


She paused and stared at her birthdate. That couldn't be right. Her entire life, she was sure that they had told her that her birthdate was December 22, 1995. Noa shook her head, "No. This can't be right. My birthday is December 22. I arrived here on my birthday. I'm 16."


Her mother shook her head again, "You're 18, Hun."


Noa looked back at the paper in disbelief, "Okay," she said, "Okay. So I'm 18 then. Why are you showing me this now?"


Her mother opened the album. In the first picture, she was on the hospital bed again. It appeared that she had just given birth. The next picture was a close up of her holding Noa. Noa's eyes widened at the sight. She wasn't the only one being held. There was a second child next to her. As Noa's mother moved to turn the next few pages, Noa beat her to it. She took the album and set it down on her lap. She flipped through it. She saw several baby pictures of herself with the other child. She watched as the two children grew into toddlers. She couldn't tell them apart. In several of the pictures, one of the children appeared alone, painting or playing with blocks.


"What happened to the other kid," she asked in a low voice, not taking her eyes off of the album. Noa's mother sighed and turned the page. The missing child was lying in a hospital bed, unconscious. As the pages flipped on, it appeared that in the pictures, a full year or two may have passed. The second child was still in the hospital bed. Noa kept on shaking her head, "So I have a twin?"


Noa's mother nodded her head, "That's correct."


"Which one is this one then," Noa asked, pointing to the unconscious child in the hospital bed.


Noa's mother rest her head in her hands, "That's you," she said, "When you were born, you never opened your eyes. I was so terrified that you'd be a still born. The doctors all told your father and I that you'd die within the first few months of your life. I didn't want to believe them; neither of us did," her voice began sounding constricted, "We waited for you to wake up, but you never woke up. Soon the day arrived when the doctor said you'd die, but you still survived. A year passed, and you still lived, but you didn't wake up. Your sister would make sure that we'd visit every day--"


"My sister," Noa said, "What was her name?"


"She kept on praying that you'd wake up soon. She was only 1 year old, and she kept saying that if you woke up, she'd do anything for you. I think that out of all of us, she was the most worried about you, despite her young age."


I'm doing this all for you, Noa thought. She looked back to the pages again, "What was her name," she repeated.


"You know," her mother said, once again ignoring the question, "she was overjoyed when you finally woke up in December, 1995. That's when we decided your birthday was. It was the first time you opened your eyes. I was out in the hall on the phone, and your father fell asleep, sitting on one of the chairs. I'll never forget that moment when she came out running to me almost screaming that you were awake. I remember dropping my phone and nearly ramming into the doorway when I heard. Your sister nearly slapped your father to wake him up. Your father and I cried. Your sister hopped up onto your bed to hug you. The day you woke up, both of you were already two years old. That's why you think you're 16. That's why your mentality is two years behind."


"That's why Dad always cried every year on November 8, isn't it?" Noa said suddenly.


Her mother nodded, "Every year on your birthday, your sister would call him. She always asked about you and what you were like. She even asked what type of cellphone you had, and would request the same exact model once she was done talking. She'd ask about your hobbies, personality and everything else. You know," she nearly laughed at herself, "Just last year, she finally snapped at me when she asked me to go back to your father. She never was the type to snap like that, or at least not with me. She just came home one day, and wouldn't respond to me. After asking her what was wrong for the longest time, she just turned around and slapped me across the face," she brought a hand to her cheek, "She said something like what you did about believing that everything was a game. It was almost as if the roles were switched and I was the child instead. She even grabbed the collar of my shirt and headbutted me, nearly screaming how selfish I had been, and that she was done putting up with it. After that, things between us grew cold.


"Neither of us spoke to each other. She'd leave the house for lunch without telling me. Our connection as mother to daughter was pretty much nonexistent. I didn't do anything though. She was completely independent from me. She'd start having a friend or two come over without my consent, but I didn't complain. They'd just stayed in her room, playing music. Her friend Seth came over the most and she'd sing while Seth played the piano. At one point, she began selling off her drawings for money and even started paying me rent for staying in the house. At that moment, I felt our relationship as mother and daughter had no hope of returning. I refused to take her money, but she wouldn't take it back. I never spent any of it. I remember walking into her room as she was drawing. She wouldn't acknowledge my presence. Then finally as I walked out, she told me, 'If you don't want the money, then fine. Go start a savings account for Noa. You haven't done anything for her since you left Dad. It's the least you could do.' Those were the last words she told me."


"Where is she now then?" Noa asked. No response. Her mother stared blankly at nothing as if a nerve was just hit. Noa shook her arm, "Mom. Where. Is. She."


Tears welled up from her mother's eyes, "She's dead."

Noa couldn't stand being in that house for even another moment. She didn't know where to go, but anywhere was better than there. She heard the crunching of snow under her feet. She ran as fast as she could, not looking where she was going. Suddenly, she ran into something, or rather, someone. Noa scrambled to get up off the person. Before she ran off again, she recognized the person's face: Justin.


"Justin, I need you to tell me something," Noa demanded.


The startled boy just stared at her. "I'm sorry, I have to go--"


"Justin!"


He stopped in his tracks. Noa panted, "I need you... to tell me something."


"I don't think I can help you," he said, "I really have to get home."


"No you don't," Noa said frustrated, "I know you know. That day I passed out, you carried me most of the way home. I never told you where I lived, yet you still knew which direction to go."


"Th-that's because," he stammered, searching for an excuse. When he failed to think of one, Noa confirmed that she was right.


"You knew her, didn't you?" Noa said, "You knew my sister. You probably always walked home with her too, didn't you?"


Justin turned around and began walking away, slowly. "Follow me. We'll talk at my place."


Noa looked at him, then back at her house. She didn't argue. She felt as if this would be her last chance to know the truth, so she followed him.


After walking a few more blocks, they arrived at his house. Before entering, Justin said to Noa, "Just follow my lead."


"Alright," Noa nodded.


The two of them walked in, and he greeted his dad. Justin directed Noa to sit down on the couch while he made a few phone calls. While Justin was on the phone, his dad passed by and smiled at Noa. Noa smiled back.


"Long time no see," he said. Then he pointed to his head, "New haircut?"


Noa placed a hand on her head, feeling her hair, "Yeah," she nodded, "Decided to try something new."


"Looks good," Justin's father said. Noa nodded approvingly. Justin reappeared in the living room and his dad disappeared upstairs.


"I called a few people to come over," Justin said, "We'll wait for them before I answer your questions."


"Alright," Noa nodded in agreement.


Ten minutes passed, and people started showing up. Some showed up alone, while others appeared in twos or threes. Noa recognized them all. Quite a few of them were from her lunch table and several of them were in her classes. Finally, after waiting for half an hour, everyone arrived. They all sat on the opposite end of the couch, and some even sat on the floor. Noa was alone on the other end, as Justin just stood next to her. She scanned everyone's faces: James Dean, Mitchel Wong, Tali, Sarah Irwin, Evan Klein, Tyler Ellis, and an unrecognizable girl sat on one end of the couch. Noa assumed that the new face was Cynthia Hoang, because of the stories she'd hear about the "friend that graduated last year." On the floor, sat Helen Huang, Joey Huang, Monica Tseng, Chenfang Qi, Elena Byun, Daoxu Ye, Aidan Rose, Kelsey Yee, and Emma.


"So," Justin said finally, "Thanks for coming. Anyways--"


"Wait, Seth isn't coming?" Mitchel interrupted.


The room grew awkwardly silent and everyone shook their heads as if the suggestion would be a bad idea.


"Bringing her here right now wouldn't be a great idea," Justin said, "Anyway, Noa has a few questions. I believe all of us owe her a few answers. The reason I called you guys, is because I think you'd be the ones able to handle it. So Noa, what would your first question be?"


Noa paused as she looked out at the many faces staring back at her, "Ever since I arrived at the school," she began, "I've been treated weird. Teachers would act like they already knew me upon first meeting them. I'd get weird stares from a lot of the students too," she said, gesturing towards the underclassmen division of the group. "I wanted to know why, so I did some exploring in my house. I found out that I had a sister. Not only that, but apparently, I'm a twin. I came across several pictures with all of you in them, so I'm assuming you all knew her." Her audience remained silent. Then Noa turned to Justin, "You were in quite a number of them too, especially."


"Yeah," Helen spoke up, "We all knew her. Justin," she said gesturing at him, "was probably the closest one to her out of everyone here at the time."


Noa turned her attention to Justin, who stood there, fists clenched. Justin nodded in approval.


"She was like my little sister," Mitchel spoke out, "She was always concerned whenever I was down."


"We had some... interesting conversations on facebook," said Daoxu.


Monica spoke up, "She led the lower belt division in our Taekwonmu for Asian Night last year."


"Yeah, she managed to convince me to step foot on stage that night too," Joey added.


"We played in pep band together," James Dean said.


"Correction. She drew on the back of our music in pep band," Aidan said laughing.


Daoxu facepalmed himself, "Oi..."


"She sang with me a couple times when I brought my guitar to TKD practice," Elena said.


"I remember that! Then we all had a major asian moment and recorded you two on our phones and iPods!" Helen said. Those that were present durin the event laughed.


"She held an umbrella over my head when we marched with the GSA in the Pride parade too," Kelsey said, not looking up, "She allowed herself to get soaked by the rain even though the march extended for about a mile or so."


"She held that umbrella and marched like a boss!" Emma said pridefully. Kelsey nodded in agreement.


"We were math rivals too," Tali said.


"We traded Pokemon on the DS. Oh, and let's not forget how we all played Ninja!" Tyler spoke out.


"Oh yeah!" Evan laughed, "Remember that time she knocked Mitchel over too--"


"Okay, guys!" Justin said, trying to regain everyone's attention, "We didn't come here to reminisce." The group grew silent again, and Justin continued, "Noa, go ahead and ask the next question."


Noa searched her mind for questions. Just by the last question, she was able to figure out that that was why everyone stared at her, and why Emma nearly tackled her on day one.


"Her hair was longer than mine, wasn't it?" she said finally.


This time, Sarah answered, "Yeah. She had it about half way down her back."


"Alright," Noa said. That explained why the staff members always asked about her hair cut. Finally, she decided the to ask the question that she really wanted to know answers for, "What happened to her?"


A dark cloud suddenly appeared over the group. None of them seemed to want to answer the question. Finally, Cynthia answered, "One of our friends was in danger of dying," she began, "Actually, if nothing was done, she would be dead right now. Thing is, her heart stopped..." she paused to clear her throat, then began again, "Because your sister was 18, she signed a waiver to donate her own heart to save our friend."


Mitchel got up suddenly and walked out of the room. He didn't want to hear the rest. Cynthia followed after him. After a few minutes, the two of them didn't come back to the living room. "A person can't live without a heart," Evan said, continuing the story, "but she didn't care. She was determined to save our friend. So they went through the surgery. Our other friend lived, and..."


"She died," Noa finished. Justin and a few people left the room next.


"Noa, are you alright?" Chenfang asked.


Noa nodded. Daoxu decided to try breaking the silence, "Do you have any other questions?"


Noa stood and shook her head, "No. Thanks everyone, that's all I wanted to know." She walked slowly to the door and the remaining few people watched as she did so. She picked up her jacket, and put it on slowly. Sarah, Monica, and Chenfang got up to give her a hug.


"If you ever want to talk again, you can tell me," Sarah said.


Noa nodded one final time and walked out into the snow.

The sun was going down already. Noa looked up at the sky, as if she was in search of something. She looked out at the path leading back to her house. Suddenly, she heard something off to her side. As she turned her head, a trashcan fell over as if someone had knocked it down on accident. Noa rushed over to it and stood it back up. As she straightened it back up, she caught sight of someone running behind a tree, as if they were trying to hide. She approached the tree slowly. Someone was sitting behind it, crying silently. Noa sighed and before moving to the other side, she noticed how the tree had names carved into it. She read the names of everyone at the conference that Justin had conjured, along with names from the rest of the table and even more from those of her classes. She recognized all of them, all except for one. What's more is as she searched the tree again for one specific name in mind, it never appeared.


Finally, she moved to the other side. A girl sat there, hugging her knees, crying to herself. She wore Vans, jeans, fingerless gloves, a black, sleeveless, collared top along with a purple striped tie. Noa kneeled down in front of her. The girl looked up at her. Her bangs covered her face. Noa stood and extended a hand out to her. The girl swatted Noa's hand away and buried her face back in her arms. Noa puffed, and extended her hand out once more. The girl stared at her. Slowly, Noa moved the girl's bangs out of her face. A pair of sad, brown eyes stared back at her. Noa found herself practically staring into a mirror. The eyes that stared back at her were both hers, yet they didn't belong to her.


"You're her, aren't you," Noa said finally.


No response.


"You know," Noa said nudging her, "being depressed really doesn't suit you. Where's that smirk you always give me?"


The girl looked away from her, "Don't talk to me. I'm still mad at you."


"Don't act like such a child," Noa puffed.


"Look who's talking," the girl remarked.


"Look," Noa said, "just come with me. If you don't, we'll just stand out here and then we'll both be dead." She extended a hand out to her again, "Let's go home, Irene."


The girl hesitated, then allowed Noa to help her up. They walked slowly, side by side. The snow crunched under their feet, but only leaving one pair of footsteps behind.


"So how did you figure out my real name?" Irene asked.


"You've gotta be kidding," Noa said, "If you're going to change your name, at least change it to a name that doesn't sound so similar to yours. 'Airin,' and 'Irene.' Don't you think the names sound suspiciously similar?"


"Whatever," Irene sighed, "You just cheated and looked at the tree, didn't you?"


The two of them continued laughing together, until their house slowly came into view. As they continued walking towards it, their pace gradually got slower. Once they were right outside the door, Irene stopped. Noa turned to her, "What's wrong?"


"I can't go in there," Irene said, "I just can't... After everything I've said and done to her, I can't face Mom now..."


Noa sighed, taking Irene's hand, "It'll be alright. She's not mad at you..."


They both took a deep breath, and opened the door of their home together.

The house was dark and there was no sign of their mother. Noa ran to her mother's room, searching. She looked through the living room, the den, the basement and everywhere else that she could think of. Meanwhile, Irene stood at the entrance, staring at all the picture frames that were turned around. After several moments of Noa running blindly through the house, she returned to Irene.


Noa shook her head, "It's no good. I can't find her anywhere."


Irene sighed, "I know where she is..."


Irene walked over to what was now Noa's room. Noa followed her. She turned on the light. Something was different. Everything seemed to be in place, except for one thing. One of the dressers had been moved. Irene walked over to it, pointing to the wall that it was once leaning up against. Noa inspected the wall and realized that it was a closet. She slid the closet door open.


The closet was fairly large. It was a walk-in closet. Noa found a light switch and switched it on. The light revealed racks of shirts and jeans. A pair of Vans sat over in the corner next to a black and white backpack. As Noa continued scanning the closet, her eyes finally spotted their mother, lying in the middle of the floor of the closet. She was cuddling a small blanket along with a pillow.


"Don't worry," Irene said, "She's only sleeping."


"The pillow and blanket were yours, weren't they?" Noa said.


Irene nodded, "You should go wake her up."


Noa walked slowly to their sleeping mother, kneeled down, and shook her shoulder gently, "Mom. Get up."


Their mother mumbled childishly, "Five more minutes..."


Irene walked over to them, and whispered something into Noa's ear.


"What?" Noa asked, "How's that supposed to--"


"Just do it," Irene said.


Noa sighed and stood up. She took a deep breath, and suddenly stomped her foot, yelling at the top of her lungs, "Mom, get up! They're having a mega sale at Star Market, and it opens in half an hour!"


Instantly, their mother revived frantically, "What!? Ai, why didn't you--" Suddenly, she noticed Noa sitting in front of her, unaware of Irene, who was laughing hysterically on the floor behind her. Reality set back into her mind, and she calmed down, "Noa..."


"Mom," Noa said slowly, "I found her. I brought Irene home."


Noa explained her encouters with Irene starting from the very beginning, and how she got slapped and headbutted in a similar manner. She told her of how she passed out on her way home on the first day of school and how Justin carried her home. Then she spoke of the conference that she was in only a few blocks away. Noa revealed every detail of what she had experienced and learned, and how she was sorry for being so cold to her.


"Anyway, Mom," she said finally, "Irene isn't mad at you. In fact, she's standing behind me. I doubt that you could see her though."


Irene stood still, staring at the floor. Noa pointed out her exact position.


"Tell her I said I'm sorry," Irene said. Noa repeated the words back to their mother. Irene continued, "I'm sorry for everything I did to you, Mom." Noa continued relaying the message to their mother. "I'm sorry I made you feel lonely. I'm sorry that I was so rash. I'm sorry for hitting you. I'm sorry," tears welled in her eyes, "I'm sorry that I couldn't be a better daughter to you..."


As Noa repeated the last bit of Irene's message, she found herself caught in her mother's arms. Noa felt awkward being hugged by her crying mother. Irene, however, suddenly had a light feeling inside of her.


"Noa," Irene said, "I think I can see Dad..." Noa's eyes widened, and a few tears escaped her. Irene walked slowly towards them, "He's calling me to go with him..." Noa turned her head, as if silently begging her not to go. Irene just smiled at her. She came up and hugged the two of them, "I love you guys. We'll wait for you..."


In that instant, Noa was released from her mother's embrace. Noa backed up a little bit, catching her breath. She looked up at her mother, who replied silently, "I love you too, Ai..." Irene hugged their mother one last time, and disappeared.


That night, Noa decided to camp out in the closet. Though she didn't know her for long, she missed Irene already. She laid still, remembering the few memories she had of Irene. She thought about how they first met on her way home, and how she got so irritated at Irene for throwing snow at her head. Then she remembered their second encounter in her dreams, followed by their encounter in the band room. As she continued remembering everything that happened, a familiar sound went off. Noa sat up immediately. She had nearly forgotten about the sound. Now it was closer than it's ever been. She turned her head in all directions, waiting for the sound again. Three minutes passed before it went off again. Noa scrambled in the direction of the sound. Still no luck. Finally, it went off again, and she began moving things out of her way. As she tossed everything to the side, she was shocked to see a light coming from a screen.


Noa tripped as she stumbled to find the light switch in the closet. Once she found it, she ran back to the small screen light. She sat there, staring at the cellphone lying on the floor. It was the exact same model as her old one. She unlocked the screen. 839 unread text messages. Noa opened the inbox, reading through all the messages. Most of the early messages said things like "It's my fault you're gone," or "I'm sorry." As Noa scrolled towards the more recent messages, they started to sound more like a journal.


1/14/12: Why are you haunting me?


1/15/12: She looks so much like you. The resemblance is scary.


1/16/12: I'm getting scared now. According to Mitchel, her schedule is your exact one from 2 years ago.


Noa continued reading on until she reached the last message. So that's why she's always acted like that since I came, Noa thought. She returned to her pile of blankets and pillows with Irene's cellphone. Just as she fell asleep, she got one more message. She checked the number. That can't be right, she thought, that's my number.... She opened the message:


"I've done all of this for you. Can you do one thing for me...?"


Noa smiled silently, Of course.




The next day, Noa couldn't wait to get to school. Little did she know that it was a special schedule that day, and she found herself an hour early once again. She took the cellphone out of her pocket, to start a new message:



"Meet me in the band room ASAP!"


Send.


Noa sat around in the bandroom for about half an hour. She waited silently, watching the second hand on the clock tick by. Just as she heard the sound of footsteps coming down the hall, she hid herself from sight. A girl walked in. She turned in all directions as if she was in search of something. After a few moments of standing around, she put her stuff down, and sat at the piano. It didn't take her very long to start playing that same familiar tune. Noa slowly emerged from her hiding place, being sure to remain unnoticed. She took out a piece of paper from her pocket. The girl continued playing, unaware of Noa's presence.


Before long, the song ended, and the girl remained still. Just as Noa was standing right behind her, she took a deep breath and started clapping. The girl jumped up in shock and turned around. Noa stood there, smiling. The girl turned back to the piano, "Sorry, I'm not that great at playing."


Noa shrugged her shoulders, "Sounds fine to me."


The girl gave a sad smile at Noa and looked back down at the piano keys, slowly moving her hands along the keys.


"You know," Noa said, setting down a paper in front of her, "That song would sound a lot better with vocals." The girl looked down the paper. It was a flyer for the talent show. Noa laughed, "So whadda ya say, Seth? You up for it?"


Seth smiled, then began playing through the song. The two of them were lost in their own world that Irene had created for them. As they sang, Noa could have sworn she heard Irene singing along as the song progressed. Noa smiled, to herself as they lost themselves in song. All three of them.


"Love and self, this I decide,


And so here is my reply:


No one's murder shall be done.


Instead we two shall be as one.


'I'm doing this all for you.'


'I'm doing this all for me.'


Let us have them be good friends


And hold each other til the end.


Love and Self, now that we know,


I and You are free to go


To laugh and smile and more than those,


We'll also cry so if we chose.


If this world's a loveless one,


And we're to keep living on,


There's nowhere for us two to be,


Not anywhere that I could see.


So then I wonder-- does our choice come down to this:


Does our egoselfishness make it exist?"



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