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March 27, 2016.
I still remember my first message you sent me very vividly. I was laying in my bed reading a book when I received a direct message on Instagram saying “Hey girl, are you a girl? Because girl.” As if it was some kind of pick-up line that you thought would work on me. I asked a friend if she had heard of you or if she knew who you were. She informed me that I should stay away because you were nothing but trouble. Of course, she had always been one to get in the way of me engaging in new friendships. She was the jealous type. I didn’t listen to her. I told myself she was wrong. I told myself that she was just trying to keep me from being your friend because she was jealous. I messaged you back saying,
“Was that supposed to make me interested in you?”
“Yes, did it work?”
“Well, can I get your number?”
“No, you have not formally introduced yourself to me yet.”
“I apologize, my name is Emmett”
“Hello Emmett, no you still cannot have my number”
I played hard to get for the longest time. You were the first guy to ever show genuine interest in me. I gave you my snapchat and we continued to snapchat for a while but I would never give you my number. It infuriated you. We talked for months, you constantly flirted with me and I flirted back, still somehow managing to play hard to get.
Over the summer we grew especially close. By this point, I had finally given you my number but we still had never hung out or even talked in person. You were much older than me; you could drive I could not. We planned to hang out many times over the summer, but I always canceled. I blamed it on the fact that my parents didn't want me with a much older guy and they wouldn't let him drive me around. It worked for a while until you finally caught on. I was scared to hang out with you. Before you, I had never kissed a guy or even hung out with one. I fell in love with all the words you said to me and the way you made me feel. The love scared me. I didn’t want to be hurt. We got mad and blocked each other numerous times in the summer of 2016. Each time hurting more than the previous. I would lay in my bed and cry over a guy whom I had never even met, but was in love with.
On August 12, 2016, everything between us changed. It was the night where our whole community came to an event hosted in the stadium of our high school. Every fall sport and every fall organization attended and each member of all the teams and organizations was recognized by name. You were a football player. I was a volleyball player. Both fall sports, both were being recognized. I knew you would be there. You texted me after it was over and insisted that I came to your car to talk to you. After a little persuasion from my teammates, I gave in. I awkwardly walked to your car with my friend, Kylie. You and your best friend, Jacob were both standing there. We had the single-handedly most awkward conversation of my life. But everything changed after that point. I could no longer use my excuse that I was too scared to meet you because now I already had.
I didn’t speak to you again in person, not counting our endless FaceTime calls that lasted for hours at a time, until November 19, 2016. The day where everything clicked. You came to my house that day. We watched Netflix for a good hour and then it stopped working. I somehow managed to get my parents to let you drive me to Walmart to get a movie that we could watch together. We bought Monsters University and we watched it together. That was one of the best nights of my life. I fell deeper in love with you from the first kiss. The next night we went on a more official date. We went to Habaneros together. Even though I hate Mexican food, I went because you said you loved it. In those days I could have sworn we were forever. Until a few nights later when you told me it wasn’t going to work and you broke my heart.
We didn’t talk for a couple days then you texted me on Thanksgiving, I was in Louisiana with my family and I spent most of my day in a bedroom ignoring them and talking to you. By this point, you had consumed my life completely. A couple days later you blocked me. Again. I was crushed. I didn’t see why you were doing this to me. I swore to myself that after this time I would be done, that I wouldn’t let you dictate my happiness, that I wouldn’t continue to be upset over you day in and day out.But I was just lying to myself.
You came running back around Christmas, I was hesitant about letting you back in my life. Christmas has always been my favorite time of the year and I didn’t want to take the chance of you ruining it. But I took you back anyway like I always did. I told myself that you had really changed, but you hadn’t. You broke my heart. Again. It turned into an endless cycle. I became immensely depressed and wondered if my life was worth it anymore. You made me turn into such a dark version of myself. I should’ve hated you for it. I should’ve realized it. But I blamed it on me. I thought I was the reason that you always left. I thought it was all me. I hated myself because you hated me. I always told you that everything I did and every time I cried, it wasn't your fault. But I was lying to you; I was lying to myself.
We continued on the cycle of on and off for the longest time, until something seemingly changed. Over the Summer of 2017, I fell even deeper into my pit of love. You finally fell in love with me too. The only problem was I could never forget what happened before. I could never pull myself out of the depression no matter how in love I was. I finally told you about it and I came to you nearly every night. That was the beginning of the end. We wanted each other but there was a huge void that stood in the way and we both eventually lost all sign of hope. At that point, I knew I was the problem. I wanted so badly to just fix myself and be normal so that I could love you and you could love me and we could live together happily. But things with that happy of an ending only happen in fairy tales. You and I don’t talk anymore. Its like were strangers who have never even met. Who would have known I could still be so hopelessly in love with a stranger.