drowning sound of the people conversing increased in the packed restaurant. But, all I could hear was the sound of my mom crying. I'm a floating cloud in the vast darkness. All I felt was the air being sucked out of my lungs, my heart was being wrenched out of my body, piece by piece by piece. Every time a piece was wrenched out, I just winced and stayed in my own vast universe. I was lost in thoughts. The blast of cold air from the night sky snapped me back into the terrible reality. He was gone. My beloved grandfather was really gone…

I slumped into my seat and slammed the car door shut. I stared out the window. I felt something I had never felt before, a big gap in my heart was filled the growing sense of guilt. It was like a virus, starting off with the sniffles and then spreading to a full out fever. Guilt was eating me inside and out. "Why...why didn't I talk to him more? Why didn't I acknowledge and show him my love for him?" Questions clouded my mind as I could only remember the painful memories of him going to buy me breakfast every morning when I was in Hong Kong. I never took a moment to think about all the things he did for me and say "Thank you," I took all these things for granted.  Now I had to learn it the hard way.

It was a nice cool cloudy day in February. There was a nice calm breeze, only the occasional rustle of wildlife disturbing the calmness. I stood in my blue two-story house, ready to go see my grandfather one last time. All of a sudden, "Creak." I turned around to see the face of my mother peeking in through the door. "What do you want mom?" I asked, my face drooping my eyes red. "I just wanted to tell you that your grandfather died because of a heart attack" she hesitantly told me. I just looked at her, her face was all red, her hair messed up and she had drooping eye patches. "Thanks for telling me mom, you should go get some rest before we go." I swiftly replied. "OK Kyle, be ready in 30 minutes," she exclaimed with a sigh as she left the room.  I looked at the bed in my room, the books on my desk. A straining string inside me was trying to hold on, straining from the weight of the pressure being put on it. Then it snapped, "Why! Why him! Why god! Why the **** did he have to die? Why the **** man?" I yelled at the top of my lungs into the emptiness of my room. I picked up my pillow and threw it to the ground. I jumped on the bed "bump, bang boom!" my knuckles turning red, my eyes filling with tears as I pummeled my bed, blow after blow after blow. "Why the **** did he have to go so fast?" I screamed at the top of my lungs. I couldn't stop punching and punching my bed, I had to let it all out, all the frustration all the questions I had. And, inch by inch, they started rolling out of my tongue.

The moon glowed in the beautiful night sky. Paper jockey stadiums and paper cars along with paper money were scrambled about the rooms in a clumsy mess. I sat in a chair looking at my relatives, watching the flowers in front of me, smelling the calming fragrant smell of incense. "Hey, Kyle! How are you?" my little cousin asked his mouth spreading into a smile. "I'm okay, I just miss grandpa you know?" I asked with a sigh. "I understand how you feel Kyle. It's okay, he's in heaven" he responded with a dreamy smile. "You're right, how did you know?" I said forcing a smile. "Mommy told me!" he squealed as he ran off into his mom's lap. "He's too young to understand," I thought. I wish I could have been as young as him and didn't have to understand or the feel the pain of losing him. "Dadadadada" Music suddenly started playing as I turned my attention to the fire starting in the front. With a ceremonious yet calming tone, the priest started talking "we will now start burning offerings, please join if you would like." Eventually, I made my way up to offer some paper money. I slowly took the paper money, counting every piece making sure I offered quite an amount of money. And as I was about to throw the money into the fire, my vision started wavering, tears started to slowly form in my eyes and they started rolling down my cheeks as I carefully threw the paper money into the fire.

Soon it was time to say our final goodbyes to my loving grandfather before his body got engulfed in flames where he would be sent off to heaven. "It is time for your final goodbyes, please come up and say your final words." I slowly took step by step to the coffin to take one last look at my grandfather's face. As I reached over to look through the coffin, tears started pouring out of my eyes and I mouthed out the words"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I should have appreciated you more." Then, time slowed down as I took one last look at his face, I saw the wrinkles in his skin, the stone-faced expression he had and I knew I would never forget his face. At last, I turned away tears rolling down all over my face and I watched as he rolled into the pits of the fire, never to be seen again. That day, something clicked inside of me. After that day I vowed to appreciate life, to appreciate my friends, and everyone that was important to me because you never know when it will be your time to go.